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| 'I love you, here's a dead princess's dress' – tips for giving gifts to a partner | 'I love you, here's a dead princess's dress' – tips for giving gifts to a partner |
| (6 months later) | |
| You've been together for years; each year containing birthdays and Christmas, maybe anniversaries and other events or apologies, all requiring gifts for your partner or spouse. Even the most creative of lovers will run out of ideas. | You've been together for years; each year containing birthdays and Christmas, maybe anniversaries and other events or apologies, all requiring gifts for your partner or spouse. Even the most creative of lovers will run out of ideas. |
| And if you are hugely wealthy and have everything you could ever want, it must be impossible to come up with an appropriate present, the poor loves. | And if you are hugely wealthy and have everything you could ever want, it must be impossible to come up with an appropriate present, the poor loves. |
| This is the only explanation I can up with for why on earth someone would spend £240,000 on a dress worn by Diana, Princess of Wales as a surprise for his wife. Maybe you get to a stage of your relationship where only a dead princess's dress will surprise your wife. There is of course a slim chance that this present won't cheer her up and instead be perceived as somewhat creepy. So it might be worthwhile to look at some of the pitfalls of present buying in a long-term relationship and the possible solutions. | This is the only explanation I can up with for why on earth someone would spend £240,000 on a dress worn by Diana, Princess of Wales as a surprise for his wife. Maybe you get to a stage of your relationship where only a dead princess's dress will surprise your wife. There is of course a slim chance that this present won't cheer her up and instead be perceived as somewhat creepy. So it might be worthwhile to look at some of the pitfalls of present buying in a long-term relationship and the possible solutions. |
| Stick to a rigid rotational scheme | Stick to a rigid rotational scheme |
| If you have three events to buy for in a year – let's say Christmas, birthday and anniversary – make sure you don't buy a toiletry gift-set each time. Think of categories of presents; books and music, clothes and underwear, perfume or aftershave, jewellery or gentlemen's accoutrements (I'm thinking cufflinks, not Prince Albert piercings), food and drink, and miscellaneous (this is a perilous category and includes art, theatre tickets, dirty weekends and sex toys. Proceed with caution, see below). | If you have three events to buy for in a year – let's say Christmas, birthday and anniversary – make sure you don't buy a toiletry gift-set each time. Think of categories of presents; books and music, clothes and underwear, perfume or aftershave, jewellery or gentlemen's accoutrements (I'm thinking cufflinks, not Prince Albert piercings), food and drink, and miscellaneous (this is a perilous category and includes art, theatre tickets, dirty weekends and sex toys. Proceed with caution, see below). |
| You have to ensure that you don't buy something from the same category twice in a row. This will look unimaginative (of you) and typecasting (of them). If your beloved keeps buying you cook books, you'd understandably presume they didn't like your cooking. Likewise if you keep getting items of clothing that don't fit, then you are really going to have to stop lying about your size. | You have to ensure that you don't buy something from the same category twice in a row. This will look unimaginative (of you) and typecasting (of them). If your beloved keeps buying you cook books, you'd understandably presume they didn't like your cooking. Likewise if you keep getting items of clothing that don't fit, then you are really going to have to stop lying about your size. |
| Be careful when buying anything unusual | Be careful when buying anything unusual |
| Presumably, buying the clothes of dead royalty is unlikely to become a habit (unless you work at the V&A) but falls very much into the "miscellaneous" category, which comes with risks. A friend of mine received a Swarovski crystal encrusted butt-plug once, which opened her eyes but not in the desired fashion. The relationship didn't last for long after that. | Presumably, buying the clothes of dead royalty is unlikely to become a habit (unless you work at the V&A) but falls very much into the "miscellaneous" category, which comes with risks. A friend of mine received a Swarovski crystal encrusted butt-plug once, which opened her eyes but not in the desired fashion. The relationship didn't last for long after that. |
| Listen to your partner. I realise this is difficult in a long-term relationship but it can be an effective way to find out what it is that they want. People often leave handy hints around, like an annotated Argos catalogue, or they mention that they are getting to the end of their perfume/book/wearable knickers, or you may notice them pointing at the telly during the ad break and saying "I want that". Watch out for these hints as they are the subtle little games we play to keep monogamy exciting. | Listen to your partner. I realise this is difficult in a long-term relationship but it can be an effective way to find out what it is that they want. People often leave handy hints around, like an annotated Argos catalogue, or they mention that they are getting to the end of their perfume/book/wearable knickers, or you may notice them pointing at the telly during the ad break and saying "I want that". Watch out for these hints as they are the subtle little games we play to keep monogamy exciting. |
| If you still want to stick to a death theme | If you still want to stick to a death theme |
| Nothing says "a love that lasts forever" like taxidermy. Britain is a country of animal lovers, so its likely that you'll find an animal that they love and would love to see dead, stuffed and sitting on their mantelpiece. Maybe something that commemorates your wedding. Plus it doesn't have the same problems as buying the clothes made to fit the bodies of the expired. | Nothing says "a love that lasts forever" like taxidermy. Britain is a country of animal lovers, so its likely that you'll find an animal that they love and would love to see dead, stuffed and sitting on their mantelpiece. Maybe something that commemorates your wedding. Plus it doesn't have the same problems as buying the clothes made to fit the bodies of the expired. |
| Adjoining burial plots are a romantic idea but we have to be realistic, eternity is an awful long time. And if you don't wait till death to part, then there is money to be made in graves. Over-thinking gifts for the afterlife can lead to problems. Indeed, in St Mary Aldermary church in the City of London sits a blank memorial because a widow spent so long agonising over an appropriate epitaph for her dearly departed husband that before she could provide an inscription she got remarried. | Adjoining burial plots are a romantic idea but we have to be realistic, eternity is an awful long time. And if you don't wait till death to part, then there is money to be made in graves. Over-thinking gifts for the afterlife can lead to problems. Indeed, in St Mary Aldermary church in the City of London sits a blank memorial because a widow spent so long agonising over an appropriate epitaph for her dearly departed husband that before she could provide an inscription she got remarried. |
| Remember, gift buying is an emotional minefield. Getting it wrong doesn't just demonstrate an error of judgment; it exposes fundamental problems in your relationship and probably in your personality. So if you can't think of anything to buy your partner, consider asking them, buying them a token or admitting that your relationship is not working. But if you're really, really stuck for what to do and have a quarter of a million, there'll probably always be a tragic deceased celeb's wardrobe for your amour, as long as they're not the superstitious kind. | Remember, gift buying is an emotional minefield. Getting it wrong doesn't just demonstrate an error of judgment; it exposes fundamental problems in your relationship and probably in your personality. So if you can't think of anything to buy your partner, consider asking them, buying them a token or admitting that your relationship is not working. But if you're really, really stuck for what to do and have a quarter of a million, there'll probably always be a tragic deceased celeb's wardrobe for your amour, as long as they're not the superstitious kind. |
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