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A painful mourning reveals that we have truly lived and loved A painful mourning reveals that we have truly lived and loved
(6 months later)
Grief, it is said, is the price you pay for intimacy. The only way to avoid the pain, that at times is so all-embracing that it is tempting to escape and shut out life altogether, is to avoid love at all. And that exacts an even greater loss.Grief, it is said, is the price you pay for intimacy. The only way to avoid the pain, that at times is so all-embracing that it is tempting to escape and shut out life altogether, is to avoid love at all. And that exacts an even greater loss.
Next month, Levels of Life is published, a partly autobiographical book by Julian Barnes. He and his wife Pat Kavanagh, the literary agent, described by one friend as "a plumed bird of paradise in a grey scene" were together for 30 years. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2008, and died 37 days later. Why wouldn't he miss her still?Next month, Levels of Life is published, a partly autobiographical book by Julian Barnes. He and his wife Pat Kavanagh, the literary agent, described by one friend as "a plumed bird of paradise in a grey scene" were together for 30 years. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2008, and died 37 days later. Why wouldn't he miss her still?
In his book, Barnes writes of his anger that friends don't have an etiquette for loss, treating his late wife not as if she has died but as if she never existed at all. He writes that he continues to have conversations with her.In his book, Barnes writes of his anger that friends don't have an etiquette for loss, treating his late wife not as if she has died but as if she never existed at all. He writes that he continues to have conversations with her.
He contemplated suicide – a warm bath, a glass of wine and a sharp knife. Above all, he misses what the two created between them, a tapestry of a life that can never be replicated. "The loss of shared vocabulary, of tropes, teases, short cuts… amatory footnotes… all those obscure references rich in memory but valueless if explained to an outsider."He contemplated suicide – a warm bath, a glass of wine and a sharp knife. Above all, he misses what the two created between them, a tapestry of a life that can never be replicated. "The loss of shared vocabulary, of tropes, teases, short cuts… amatory footnotes… all those obscure references rich in memory but valueless if explained to an outsider."
CS Lewis wrote: "As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves." In the same year that Pat Kavanagh died, so too did Carol, the wife of the redoubtable Noam Chomsky, now 84. They had been together for 60 years. In the Guardian yesterday, the interviewer said Chomsky wanted to talk constantly about Carol. In Latin America, they called her El Commandante, she organised Chomsky so well. He says it makes no sense for a woman to die before her husband because, "women manage so much better".CS Lewis wrote: "As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves." In the same year that Pat Kavanagh died, so too did Carol, the wife of the redoubtable Noam Chomsky, now 84. They had been together for 60 years. In the Guardian yesterday, the interviewer said Chomsky wanted to talk constantly about Carol. In Latin America, they called her El Commandante, she organised Chomsky so well. He says it makes no sense for a woman to die before her husband because, "women manage so much better".
Traditionally, men are supposed to be unwilling to discuss their emotions, but perhaps these generations of older men, born into a buttoned-up era, in lifelong conversations with the women they loved, did come to know themselves better, and now that compass is gone. That's what makes what analysts call the "presence of absence" so strong in their lives. But grief can and does change for those who are willing. "There is a transition point, in some way," Chomsky says.Traditionally, men are supposed to be unwilling to discuss their emotions, but perhaps these generations of older men, born into a buttoned-up era, in lifelong conversations with the women they loved, did come to know themselves better, and now that compass is gone. That's what makes what analysts call the "presence of absence" so strong in their lives. But grief can and does change for those who are willing. "There is a transition point, in some way," Chomsky says.
The late Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the world expert on dying well, believed there were stages in response to news of a terminal illness – anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When dying herself, she wrote that her heart "went out to those left behind". But she added that you should live life to the full until you die. While everyone grieves in their own way, and some prefer the mourning never ends, there are stages to a cycle of new beginnings, too. "A man can't go out the way he came in," says Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman. "A man has got to add up to something." Love, loss, pain and grief and, perhaps, the capacity to love again, are all part of that equation.The late Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the world expert on dying well, believed there were stages in response to news of a terminal illness – anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When dying herself, she wrote that her heart "went out to those left behind". But she added that you should live life to the full until you die. While everyone grieves in their own way, and some prefer the mourning never ends, there are stages to a cycle of new beginnings, too. "A man can't go out the way he came in," says Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman. "A man has got to add up to something." Love, loss, pain and grief and, perhaps, the capacity to love again, are all part of that equation.
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