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Simon Hoggart's week: a round with Peter Alliss and into the gents Simon Hoggart's week: a round with Peter Alliss and into the gents
(5 months later)
✒ Let me get this straight. They passed a law this week which will make it easier for well-to-do people who want more rooms to build extensions in their gardens.✒ Let me get this straight. They passed a law this week which will make it easier for well-to-do people who want more rooms to build extensions in their gardens.
Meanwhile, people who live in social housing will lose their benefits if they have more rooms than they strictly need. In the same way, benefits must be cut for the poor to encourage them to work. Wealthy people, by contrast, are getting a large tax reduction, to encourage them to work.Meanwhile, people who live in social housing will lose their benefits if they have more rooms than they strictly need. In the same way, benefits must be cut for the poor to encourage them to work. Wealthy people, by contrast, are getting a large tax reduction, to encourage them to work.
The other day Channel 4 re-broadcast the famous Clive Anderson show in which Peter Cook played a variety of appalling characters, including a demented judge. As I recall, it included this exchange: Anderson: So you're saying there's one law for the rich …The other day Channel 4 re-broadcast the famous Clive Anderson show in which Peter Cook played a variety of appalling characters, including a demented judge. As I recall, it included this exchange: Anderson: So you're saying there's one law for the rich …
Cook: Oh, no, there's far more than one law for the rich.Cook: Oh, no, there's far more than one law for the rich.
✒ In the week that most newspapers decided to ignore the findings of the Leveson inquiry, and in which we also learned that the public thought the printed press hopelessly biased – we rank somewhere between Sky News and one of those emails from Africa saying you've inherited £6m – came the end of Broadchurch on ITV. One of the subplots involved journalists, who were depicted as venal, duplicitous and vile. Except for the folk on the local newspaper, who were selflessly dedicated to their community. More loathsome was the venal, duplicitous and intrusive young female reporter from a national paper, and worst of all was the incredibly duplicitious editor back in London who hyped up her copy and drove an innocent man to kill himself. That's our image in the public mind now, and we have to live with it.✒ In the week that most newspapers decided to ignore the findings of the Leveson inquiry, and in which we also learned that the public thought the printed press hopelessly biased – we rank somewhere between Sky News and one of those emails from Africa saying you've inherited £6m – came the end of Broadchurch on ITV. One of the subplots involved journalists, who were depicted as venal, duplicitous and vile. Except for the folk on the local newspaper, who were selflessly dedicated to their community. More loathsome was the venal, duplicitous and intrusive young female reporter from a national paper, and worst of all was the incredibly duplicitious editor back in London who hyped up her copy and drove an innocent man to kill himself. That's our image in the public mind now, and we have to live with it.
✒ At the launch of Volume I of his new, posthumous biography of Margaret Thatcher, Charles Moore told a nice story about a 1997 lunch where he and the former prime minister agreed arrangements for the book. His then seven-year-old son Will had come in and inquired what she had done as prime minister. In return he got a long list: "… we made Britain strong again! And we reduced taxes so that people could keep more of what they earned!" Will asked if this meant that she was very rich. "No, we forwent much of our salary." (Note royal we, plus archaic usage of "forwent".) The boy then followed by asking, "who won the Falklands War?", a moment I would have paid dearly to see.✒ At the launch of Volume I of his new, posthumous biography of Margaret Thatcher, Charles Moore told a nice story about a 1997 lunch where he and the former prime minister agreed arrangements for the book. His then seven-year-old son Will had come in and inquired what she had done as prime minister. In return he got a long list: "… we made Britain strong again! And we reduced taxes so that people could keep more of what they earned!" Will asked if this meant that she was very rich. "No, we forwent much of our salary." (Note royal we, plus archaic usage of "forwent".) The boy then followed by asking, "who won the Falklands War?", a moment I would have paid dearly to see.
✒ I love Masterchef on BBC1 and will be very sorry when it ends next week. One of the aspects I like the most is the fact that I don't have to eat the stuff the chefs produce. It looks horrible. One dish this week was "confit of leg, breast, and tenderloin of partridge, with pear puree, kale with a quail's egg in a parsnip basket, finished with a mulled claret sauce and chopped hazelnuts."✒ I love Masterchef on BBC1 and will be very sorry when it ends next week. One of the aspects I like the most is the fact that I don't have to eat the stuff the chefs produce. It looks horrible. One dish this week was "confit of leg, breast, and tenderloin of partridge, with pear puree, kale with a quail's egg in a parsnip basket, finished with a mulled claret sauce and chopped hazelnuts."
No, thanks. Nor could I possibly eat "venison two ways, roasted venison loin with venison rissoles, celeriac puree, a plantain millefeuille, salt-baked beetroot, glazed carrots, scented cassava and a chocolate tamarind jus". This week the Food and Public Health Journal warned that TV chefs risked making us all obese by offering incredibly calorific recipes. No problem with those Masterchef dishes – just shove 'em in the bin!No, thanks. Nor could I possibly eat "venison two ways, roasted venison loin with venison rissoles, celeriac puree, a plantain millefeuille, salt-baked beetroot, glazed carrots, scented cassava and a chocolate tamarind jus". This week the Food and Public Health Journal warned that TV chefs risked making us all obese by offering incredibly calorific recipes. No problem with those Masterchef dishes – just shove 'em in the bin!
✒ From last week: I wrote about the scam where someone claims to have found a gold ring in the street and asks you what they should do. They can't go to the police because their papers aren't in order, and they are very hungry. Would the victim like to buy the ring? My wife lost £2 that way, before learning from the police that the ring was painted brass and valueless. Others have paid far more.✒ From last week: I wrote about the scam where someone claims to have found a gold ring in the street and asks you what they should do. They can't go to the police because their papers aren't in order, and they are very hungry. Would the victim like to buy the ring? My wife lost £2 that way, before learning from the police that the ring was painted brass and valueless. Others have paid far more.
I am amazed to learn that the fraud is hundreds of years old. Karl Sabbagh found it described in Mayhew, back in the 1850s. Clare Connors, of the University of East Anglia, says that the "fawney rig", from the Irish word fainne, meaning ring – which later became the derivation of "phoney" – is quoted in the Oxford English Dictionary dating from 1781. And most surprising of all, Mick Furey says that "fawney droppers" were active in London in the 16th century. So the con has been played out for half a millennium! And still it works.I am amazed to learn that the fraud is hundreds of years old. Karl Sabbagh found it described in Mayhew, back in the 1850s. Clare Connors, of the University of East Anglia, says that the "fawney rig", from the Irish word fainne, meaning ring – which later became the derivation of "phoney" – is quoted in the Oxford English Dictionary dating from 1781. And most surprising of all, Mick Furey says that "fawney droppers" were active in London in the 16th century. So the con has been played out for half a millennium! And still it works.
✒ Last week I also mentioned the wonderful language employed by the golf commentator Peter Alliss who, on seeing a great shot by the Australian winner of the Masters, remarked, "they'll be chasing kangaroos round the coolabong tonight!"✒ Last week I also mentioned the wonderful language employed by the golf commentator Peter Alliss who, on seeing a great shot by the Australian winner of the Masters, remarked, "they'll be chasing kangaroos round the coolabong tonight!"
Many of you, no doubt hoping to be invited to the Peter Alliss Symposium later this year, wrote in to say that he was conflating two terms from Waltzing Matilda – coolabah being a tree, and billabong a stagnant or dry pond. I bumped into Sir David Hare this week, and was delighted to discover that he too is a terrific Alliss fan. I may persuade him to be our after-dinner speaker. What he especially likes is the way that he adds the word "sir" to his encouragement of the unhearing players, as in "a fine shot there, sir!"Many of you, no doubt hoping to be invited to the Peter Alliss Symposium later this year, wrote in to say that he was conflating two terms from Waltzing Matilda – coolabah being a tree, and billabong a stagnant or dry pond. I bumped into Sir David Hare this week, and was delighted to discover that he too is a terrific Alliss fan. I may persuade him to be our after-dinner speaker. What he especially likes is the way that he adds the word "sir" to his encouragement of the unhearing players, as in "a fine shot there, sir!"
But the best email came from the great man himself, who admitted the Waltzing Matilda confusion. This gave me the chance to ask him about an email from Chris Widdows, who had been astonished by another Alliss phrase, about a golfer holding a new type of putter in a strange way. "I haven't seen a grip like that since they closed the old gents at King's Cross station."But the best email came from the great man himself, who admitted the Waltzing Matilda confusion. This gave me the chance to ask him about an email from Chris Widdows, who had been astonished by another Alliss phrase, about a golfer holding a new type of putter in a strange way. "I haven't seen a grip like that since they closed the old gents at King's Cross station."
This sounded (a) very weird, and (b) gay, which Sir Peter (why no knighthood yet?) is definitely not. So I sought elucidation from him and obtained it. "It is the 'old' peeing position of the right hand, held in such a way as to hide your manhood from those in the next stall."This sounded (a) very weird, and (b) gay, which Sir Peter (why no knighthood yet?) is definitely not. So I sought elucidation from him and obtained it. "It is the 'old' peeing position of the right hand, held in such a way as to hide your manhood from those in the next stall."
That is the great fascination of golf; it leads you down byways you would never otherwise discover. I hope I can persuade Sir Peter to deliver our keynote address.That is the great fascination of golf; it leads you down byways you would never otherwise discover. I hope I can persuade Sir Peter to deliver our keynote address.
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