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Simon Hoggart's week: would you buy a poncho from a Guardian columnist? Simon Hoggart's week: would you buy a poncho from a Guardian columnist?
(5 months later)
✒ When I saw that my old chum Melanie Phillips – once a Guardian lefty, now a rightwing columnist on the Daily Mail – was bringing out her own brand of merchandise, I assumed it was a joke. I was wrong.✒ When I saw that my old chum Melanie Phillips – once a Guardian lefty, now a rightwing columnist on the Daily Mail – was bringing out her own brand of merchandise, I assumed it was a joke. I was wrong.
You can now buy tote bags, T-shirts, Kindle and iPhone covers, and baseball caps with Melanie's company logo. I bet da kidz will buy zillions. What could be cooler than chilling with your homies, decked out in Melanie branded goods?You can now buy tote bags, T-shirts, Kindle and iPhone covers, and baseball caps with Melanie's company logo. I bet da kidz will buy zillions. What could be cooler than chilling with your homies, decked out in Melanie branded goods?
Two thoughts occurred to me. First, we Guardian columnists ought to have a line of collectibles fit for soggy liberals. A poncho to stop us being dripping wet, reversible so we can have it both ways. A cap marked "I ❤ all forms of diversity". Gloves, the left embroidered "On the one hand" and the right, "on the other".Two thoughts occurred to me. First, we Guardian columnists ought to have a line of collectibles fit for soggy liberals. A poncho to stop us being dripping wet, reversible so we can have it both ways. A cap marked "I ❤ all forms of diversity". Gloves, the left embroidered "On the one hand" and the right, "on the other".
The other thing that puzzles me is this. When people move from one extreme set of views to embrace another equally batty picture of the world, they expect us to applaud their choice, as if the fact that they have rejected one form of nuttiness somehow validates the screwball views they hold now. It's as if a Millwall hooligan were to switch to West Ham and imagine that any of us cared. Still, the Melanie mugs are nice, as they should be at £14.50.The other thing that puzzles me is this. When people move from one extreme set of views to embrace another equally batty picture of the world, they expect us to applaud their choice, as if the fact that they have rejected one form of nuttiness somehow validates the screwball views they hold now. It's as if a Millwall hooligan were to switch to West Ham and imagine that any of us cared. Still, the Melanie mugs are nice, as they should be at £14.50.
✒ I finally caught the Pompeii and Herculaneum exhibition at the British Museum this week. It's brilliantly done. What you get, which you don't from the dullish displays of single pots, amulets, etc, in the rest of the museum, is a real sense of what life was like if you lived in those places. And the explanations are sometimes quite harsh: people were vulgar, and they wanted their neighbours to know how rich they were.✒ I finally caught the Pompeii and Herculaneum exhibition at the British Museum this week. It's brilliantly done. What you get, which you don't from the dullish displays of single pots, amulets, etc, in the rest of the museum, is a real sense of what life was like if you lived in those places. And the explanations are sometimes quite harsh: people were vulgar, and they wanted their neighbours to know how rich they were.
So little changes. "Do we have to go to the Noniuses for lunch? They always serve an entire octopus, 'so much cheaper if you buy it whole, and Ofillius the fish-seller is such a darling, he guts it for us. I stuff the suckers with boar pate and artichokes …'"So little changes. "Do we have to go to the Noniuses for lunch? They always serve an entire octopus, 'so much cheaper if you buy it whole, and Ofillius the fish-seller is such a darling, he guts it for us. I stuff the suckers with boar pate and artichokes …'"
"I tell you what, if the Calatoriuses are coming round, let's get out that candle holder in the shape of a giant willy your best man gave us for a wedding present. I can't wait to see the expression on Livia's face …""I tell you what, if the Calatoriuses are coming round, let's get out that candle holder in the shape of a giant willy your best man gave us for a wedding present. I can't wait to see the expression on Livia's face …"
It is a remarkably vivid exhibition, and it's already hard to get tickets.It is a remarkably vivid exhibition, and it's already hard to get tickets.
✒ I was sorry to see that Dame Helen Mirren had made it up with the troupe of drummers who were drowning out her performance as the Queen by making an infernal racket outside the theatre. They were demonstrating for gay and transsexual rights. I had hoped she would continue to swear at them, shrieking and raging like a demented witch.✒ I was sorry to see that Dame Helen Mirren had made it up with the troupe of drummers who were drowning out her performance as the Queen by making an infernal racket outside the theatre. They were demonstrating for gay and transsexual rights. I had hoped she would continue to swear at them, shrieking and raging like a demented witch.
Why should people make life insufferable for others, just because they believe their cause is right? Do they imagine that the rest of us will say: "Hmmm, those people must have a pretty good case, or else they wouldn't be carrying on in this aggressive and boorish manner!" I'd prefer to see them pursued everywhere by our greatest female actors, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Brenda Blethyn, all shouting the F-word at the top of their voices.Why should people make life insufferable for others, just because they believe their cause is right? Do they imagine that the rest of us will say: "Hmmm, those people must have a pretty good case, or else they wouldn't be carrying on in this aggressive and boorish manner!" I'd prefer to see them pursued everywhere by our greatest female actors, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Brenda Blethyn, all shouting the F-word at the top of their voices.
✒ We went to Malmesbury, Wiltshire, at the weekend for a Music in Country Churches concert. MICC is a charity which helps preserve old churches. Malmesbury Abbey dates from the 7th century and you can't imagine a more stunning setting.✒ We went to Malmesbury, Wiltshire, at the weekend for a Music in Country Churches concert. MICC is a charity which helps preserve old churches. Malmesbury Abbey dates from the 7th century and you can't imagine a more stunning setting.
Prince Charles is a patron and he sat on the front row on what looked like a folding chair with padding but wooden screws, as if Ikea made thrones, no doubt christened Oskar or Hampus.Prince Charles is a patron and he sat on the front row on what looked like a folding chair with padding but wooden screws, as if Ikea made thrones, no doubt christened Oskar or Hampus.
The players all seemed to be having a wonderful time. Two of the strings were flirting madly with each other, as were a pair of the woodwinds. They know who they are.The players all seemed to be having a wonderful time. Two of the strings were flirting madly with each other, as were a pair of the woodwinds. They know who they are.
The wonderful violin soloist, 25-year-old Chloe Hanslip from Guildford, also seemed to be flirting with all of them. No wonder it's called the London Chamber Orchestra.The wonderful violin soloist, 25-year-old Chloe Hanslip from Guildford, also seemed to be flirting with all of them. No wonder it's called the London Chamber Orchestra.
At the end of her stint she bowed, very low, several times right in front of the prince, giving the whole event a Regency feel, formal yet risqué. Later we chatted to her and she was charming. She was just back from Australia, and off to Singapore the next day; these top musicians lead relentlessly restless lives.At the end of her stint she bowed, very low, several times right in front of the prince, giving the whole event a Regency feel, formal yet risqué. Later we chatted to her and she was charming. She was just back from Australia, and off to Singapore the next day; these top musicians lead relentlessly restless lives.
The concert was sponsored by Pol Roger champagne, and I got to chat to Patrice Noyelle, the outgoing boss. He collects stories about his wine's role in historic events.The concert was sponsored by Pol Roger champagne, and I got to chat to Patrice Noyelle, the outgoing boss. He collects stories about his wine's role in historic events.
For example, in what was then Salisbury, Rhodesia, the temporary governor was Christopher Soames, Churchill's son-in-law. He had flown out quantities of good wine to lubricate discussions. But one lot of talks was going badly. "Oh, I know we'll finish in a couple of days," he told a well-wisher airily. "You see there are only two bottles of Pol Roger left in my cellar."For example, in what was then Salisbury, Rhodesia, the temporary governor was Christopher Soames, Churchill's son-in-law. He had flown out quantities of good wine to lubricate discussions. But one lot of talks was going badly. "Oh, I know we'll finish in a couple of days," he told a well-wisher airily. "You see there are only two bottles of Pol Roger left in my cellar."
And if you are in Malmesbury, look in at the Abbey House gardens which are superlative, and at the moment feature a pulse-stopping display of thousands of tulips, in almost unbelievable colours.And if you are in Malmesbury, look in at the Abbey House gardens which are superlative, and at the moment feature a pulse-stopping display of thousands of tulips, in almost unbelievable colours.
✒ We may have found the title for our Peter Alliss symposium, to be held later this year. Nick Greenwood reminds me of my all-time favourite quote from Sir Peter. (I have bestowed the knighthood). It concerned the golfer Chris DiMarco, whose mother had died shortly before the tournament. He was playing well, and in that uniquely religiose American way he attributed this to his mother, who was watching from heaven and urging him on.✒ We may have found the title for our Peter Alliss symposium, to be held later this year. Nick Greenwood reminds me of my all-time favourite quote from Sir Peter. (I have bestowed the knighthood). It concerned the golfer Chris DiMarco, whose mother had died shortly before the tournament. He was playing well, and in that uniquely religiose American way he attributed this to his mother, who was watching from heaven and urging him on.
Then he missed a crucial putt. "Ooh," said Sir Peter, "Mom must have just popped out for a cup of tea." Sheer genius, and "Just Popped Out" could be the title of our gathering.Then he missed a crucial putt. "Ooh," said Sir Peter, "Mom must have just popped out for a cup of tea." Sheer genius, and "Just Popped Out" could be the title of our gathering.
✒ More unhelpful advice: Jonathan Harris's BT broadband went down so he rang the BT helpline, where he was advised to get more information – by going online. And Michael Ayton bought a 60-watt lightbulb marked "not suitable for general household illumination". Eh?✒ More unhelpful advice: Jonathan Harris's BT broadband went down so he rang the BT helpline, where he was advised to get more information – by going online. And Michael Ayton bought a 60-watt lightbulb marked "not suitable for general household illumination". Eh?
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