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Romola Garai's Baftas childbirth gag had me in stitches Romola Garai's Baftas childbirth gag had me in stitches
(4 months later)
The number 23 has long been held in mystical awe. The writers Aleister Crowley and William Burroughs both believed it held magical powers, while many Illuminati-fearers believe in The 23 Enigma, relating to secret banking codes that control the universe. There are 23 pairs of chromosomes in the human body; zodiac signs usually change on the 23rd of the month; that crazy bomber dude in the film Airport even sat in seat 23.The number 23 has long been held in mystical awe. The writers Aleister Crowley and William Burroughs both believed it held magical powers, while many Illuminati-fearers believe in The 23 Enigma, relating to secret banking codes that control the universe. There are 23 pairs of chromosomes in the human body; zodiac signs usually change on the 23rd of the month; that crazy bomber dude in the film Airport even sat in seat 23.
Now, though, I will only ever associate the number 23 with one thing: the number of stitches that the actor Romola Garai had in her vagina after giving birth. Those 23 stitches will be laced through my mind for ever, as they once were through her labia. Not because the star of The Hour whispered the news to me at some drunken showbiz party, but because she announced it to an audience of millions at the Baftas on Sunday night. On stage, while presenting an award to Steve Coogan (who wasn't actually there, so her genitals took centre stage). Forget that time Jarvis Cocker got his bum out at the Brits – Romola Garai's front bum may now be the best bit of subversion ever to happen at a British awards ceremony.Now, though, I will only ever associate the number 23 with one thing: the number of stitches that the actor Romola Garai had in her vagina after giving birth. Those 23 stitches will be laced through my mind for ever, as they once were through her labia. Not because the star of The Hour whispered the news to me at some drunken showbiz party, but because she announced it to an audience of millions at the Baftas on Sunday night. On stage, while presenting an award to Steve Coogan (who wasn't actually there, so her genitals took centre stage). Forget that time Jarvis Cocker got his bum out at the Brits – Romola Garai's front bum may now be the best bit of subversion ever to happen at a British awards ceremony.
"After the recent birth of my child," said a deadpan Garai, the picture of innocence in a white lacy dress, "I had the misfortune of having 23 stitches in my vagina. So I didn't think I'd be laughing at anything for a long time." She then paused until the audience's surprised roars subsided, before adding cheerily: "But tonight's nominees have proved me wrong." By the time everyone had picked their jaws off the floor, their hearts had fallen even harder. I had always been a big Romola Garai fan, now I was a diehard groupie, as were my friends, everyone tweeting about how much they loved this woman with the downstairs wound, whether they knew who she was or not. Who knew that the bawdiest gag at an awards do would not come from someone like Russell Brand or Ricky Gervais, but a woman so easily cast as an English rose?"After the recent birth of my child," said a deadpan Garai, the picture of innocence in a white lacy dress, "I had the misfortune of having 23 stitches in my vagina. So I didn't think I'd be laughing at anything for a long time." She then paused until the audience's surprised roars subsided, before adding cheerily: "But tonight's nominees have proved me wrong." By the time everyone had picked their jaws off the floor, their hearts had fallen even harder. I had always been a big Romola Garai fan, now I was a diehard groupie, as were my friends, everyone tweeting about how much they loved this woman with the downstairs wound, whether they knew who she was or not. Who knew that the bawdiest gag at an awards do would not come from someone like Russell Brand or Ricky Gervais, but a woman so easily cast as an English rose?
I was not, though, entirely surprised. Having interviewed Garai a couple of years ago, when she was not yet pregnant, but playing a character who was, at the Royal Court Theatre in London, I knew how open she was to frank bodily chit-chats. The play was called The Village Bike, the title itself a joke about how horny Garai's character got during pregnancy, cycling round the country lanes looking for someone more exciting than her husband to have filthy sex with. The play included a touching scene where the gestational woman, in despair at the state of her marriage, watched porn on her laptop and knocked one out by herself. As I was pregnant and single myself at the time, something Garai was quite fascinated to hear about, our conversation ended up largely unprintable.I was not, though, entirely surprised. Having interviewed Garai a couple of years ago, when she was not yet pregnant, but playing a character who was, at the Royal Court Theatre in London, I knew how open she was to frank bodily chit-chats. The play was called The Village Bike, the title itself a joke about how horny Garai's character got during pregnancy, cycling round the country lanes looking for someone more exciting than her husband to have filthy sex with. The play included a touching scene where the gestational woman, in despair at the state of her marriage, watched porn on her laptop and knocked one out by herself. As I was pregnant and single myself at the time, something Garai was quite fascinated to hear about, our conversation ended up largely unprintable.
I did manage to print that she had been interested in her own reactions to being asked to simulate masturbation. "I mean, if I was going to have a wank in my own life," she mused, over a  lunch of spicy Thai meatballs, "I'd just have a wank." So why was she turning it into "a thing" when the director asked her to do it? After some soul-searching, she had concluded it was because she'd never actually seen another woman touch herself. "I realised that I was just worried my own way of wanking might turn out to be really weird."I did manage to print that she had been interested in her own reactions to being asked to simulate masturbation. "I mean, if I was going to have a wank in my own life," she mused, over a  lunch of spicy Thai meatballs, "I'd just have a wank." So why was she turning it into "a thing" when the director asked her to do it? After some soul-searching, she had concluded it was because she'd never actually seen another woman touch herself. "I realised that I was just worried my own way of wanking might turn out to be really weird."
Another awkward moment came when she was chatting to her co-star Jim Sturgess about her costume anxieties, given that her part required white cashmere trousers. "And I said to Jim: 'I am having a massive period and I'm sure there's about to be a huge stain.' You know when you say something, and you think, 'I thought we were at that stage? Ooh! We're not at that stage!' Internal monologue. Ah. You only find out afterwards."Another awkward moment came when she was chatting to her co-star Jim Sturgess about her costume anxieties, given that her part required white cashmere trousers. "And I said to Jim: 'I am having a massive period and I'm sure there's about to be a huge stain.' You know when you say something, and you think, 'I thought we were at that stage? Ooh! We're not at that stage!' Internal monologue. Ah. You only find out afterwards."
But back to the Baftas. Of course, British stars have a grand tradition of scene-stealing at ceremonies such as these. When Gervais first hosted the Golden Globes in LA in 2010, he welcomed the crowd with these kind words: "Looking at all the wonderful faces here today reminds me of the great work that's been done this year – by cosmetic surgeons." Though he went on to admit that he himself had had some work done too. "I've had a penis reduction. Just got the one now. And it is very tiny. But then so are my hands, so when I'm holding it it looks pretty big." Brand once presented the Dalai Lama on stage, announcing how weird it was "to be introducing the holiest man on the planet, when I use to be known as 'Shagger of the Year'". Mrs Merton, played by Caroline Aherne, brought the house down at the 1997 Brits when she asked if anyone had seen Charlie, as everyone backstage was looking for him. (Mum, if you're reading this, Charlie is vernacular for the killer drug cocaine, thought to be popular among musicians' nostrils.)But back to the Baftas. Of course, British stars have a grand tradition of scene-stealing at ceremonies such as these. When Gervais first hosted the Golden Globes in LA in 2010, he welcomed the crowd with these kind words: "Looking at all the wonderful faces here today reminds me of the great work that's been done this year – by cosmetic surgeons." Though he went on to admit that he himself had had some work done too. "I've had a penis reduction. Just got the one now. And it is very tiny. But then so are my hands, so when I'm holding it it looks pretty big." Brand once presented the Dalai Lama on stage, announcing how weird it was "to be introducing the holiest man on the planet, when I use to be known as 'Shagger of the Year'". Mrs Merton, played by Caroline Aherne, brought the house down at the 1997 Brits when she asked if anyone had seen Charlie, as everyone backstage was looking for him. (Mum, if you're reading this, Charlie is vernacular for the killer drug cocaine, thought to be popular among musicians' nostrils.)
Yet these jokes are largely made-up – nobody thinks Gervais has really had a penis removed. Jarvis Cocker didn't actually fart in Michael Jackson's face, he just pretended to. But, without having actually checked, we can be fairly certain that Garai suffered those 23 darts being put in and removed, wondered about the future of her pelvic floor, and went on stage to talk about it. It wasn't even her award. It was us she left in stitches.Yet these jokes are largely made-up – nobody thinks Gervais has really had a penis removed. Jarvis Cocker didn't actually fart in Michael Jackson's face, he just pretended to. But, without having actually checked, we can be fairly certain that Garai suffered those 23 darts being put in and removed, wondered about the future of her pelvic floor, and went on stage to talk about it. It wasn't even her award. It was us she left in stitches.
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