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Manifesto mêlée in the mosh pit Manifesto mêlée in the mosh pit
(4 months later)
The prime minister was in the US, showing – in Harriet Harman's words – his leadership qualities by abstaining in the great Euro debate. Remember how Margaret Thatcher came to believe that abroad was more important than at home? Didn't do her much good. (Cameron will now miss two more prime minister's questions, owing to another lavish holiday that starts next week.)The prime minister was in the US, showing – in Harriet Harman's words – his leadership qualities by abstaining in the great Euro debate. Remember how Margaret Thatcher came to believe that abroad was more important than at home? Didn't do her much good. (Cameron will now miss two more prime minister's questions, owing to another lavish holiday that starts next week.)
Back at home, the parties were lining up, or rather milling about. We are supposed to have a confrontational chamber; many Europeans have a semi-circle designed for all shades of opinion.Back at home, the parties were lining up, or rather milling about. We are supposed to have a confrontational chamber; many Europeans have a semi-circle designed for all shades of opinion.
Now at Westminster we have a mosh pit, with headbangers dancing, whirling at random and bashing each other with their elbows. The Tory party is like a rugby union match in which all 30 players are wearing the same strip. They're not sure who they are grabbing round the knees, but they're having a lot of fun doing it.Now at Westminster we have a mosh pit, with headbangers dancing, whirling at random and bashing each other with their elbows. The Tory party is like a rugby union match in which all 30 players are wearing the same strip. They're not sure who they are grabbing round the knees, but they're having a lot of fun doing it.
I have tried to work out a handy guide for readers. The Conservative party is in three groups: firstly, the ones who want us out of Europe tomorrow. Some very strange people there. If the late Charles Addams designed a political sect, it would look like this lot, with Peter Bone as the sinister butler.I have tried to work out a handy guide for readers. The Conservative party is in three groups: firstly, the ones who want us out of Europe tomorrow. Some very strange people there. If the late Charles Addams designed a political sect, it would look like this lot, with Peter Bone as the sinister butler.
For example, John Baron, a leader of the moshers, declared that "we as a party are more united than ever before on this issue".For example, John Baron, a leader of the moshers, declared that "we as a party are more united than ever before on this issue".
Then there are the ones who are vaguely anti-Europe but will make up their minds when David Cameron gets the changes he demands. These may include abolition of the Common Agricultural Policy (yeah, right) or possibly the EU postponing its requirement for straight cucumbers.Then there are the ones who are vaguely anti-Europe but will make up their minds when David Cameron gets the changes he demands. These may include abolition of the Common Agricultural Policy (yeah, right) or possibly the EU postponing its requirement for straight cucumbers.
And then there are the pro-Europeans, spiritual leader Ken Clarke. David Cameron might be in either of the two latter groups, but we don't know because he isn't here to tell us.And then there are the pro-Europeans, spiritual leader Ken Clarke. David Cameron might be in either of the two latter groups, but we don't know because he isn't here to tell us.
Labour. On the whole pro-Europe. Their position is clear: they are in favour of an in-out referendum, perhaps, and not now, because we don't know what reforms might come along, but not later either because it would lead to "uncertainty". In other words, they might be in favour, and they might not. Let's face it; it's none of our business.Labour. On the whole pro-Europe. Their position is clear: they are in favour of an in-out referendum, perhaps, and not now, because we don't know what reforms might come along, but not later either because it would lead to "uncertainty". In other words, they might be in favour, and they might not. Let's face it; it's none of our business.
Ukip. They don't have any MPs, but are now the third party in most polls. Their leader is charismatic piss-artist Nigel Farage, who wants an inn-out referendum. Or any kind of pub. Rarely has anyone with so little power wielded so much influence.Ukip. They don't have any MPs, but are now the third party in most polls. Their leader is charismatic piss-artist Nigel Farage, who wants an inn-out referendum. Or any kind of pub. Rarely has anyone with so little power wielded so much influence.
The Lib Dems. Now regarded as an annoying irrelevance, as demonstrated when their leader Nick Clegg had to take prime minister's questions on Wednesday. He could barely make himself heard against a barrage of booing and jeering from the Labour benches, and sneering from the Tories sitting behind him.The Lib Dems. Now regarded as an annoying irrelevance, as demonstrated when their leader Nick Clegg had to take prime minister's questions on Wednesday. He could barely make himself heard against a barrage of booing and jeering from the Labour benches, and sneering from the Tories sitting behind him.
He used to want an in-out referendum, until he joined in coalition with Cameron, who does want an in-out referendum, so he changed his mind. Tory mosher Edward Leigh mentioned the Lib-Dem manifesto calling for said in-out referendum with the Cleggster on the cover. "Was he an imposter, or just a hypocrite?"He used to want an in-out referendum, until he joined in coalition with Cameron, who does want an in-out referendum, so he changed his mind. Tory mosher Edward Leigh mentioned the Lib-Dem manifesto calling for said in-out referendum with the Cleggster on the cover. "Was he an imposter, or just a hypocrite?"
I hope I have cleared that all up. I am off to lie down in a dark room.I hope I have cleared that all up. I am off to lie down in a dark room.
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