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When I mention my 'partner', what do you assume? When I mention my 'partner', what do you assume?
(4 months later)
I don't make any secret out of the fact that I'm in a relationship with a woman. Yet "partner" is the word I choose to use when I tread neutral ground with someone I don't know; when I want to talk about my relationship without outing myself. Sometimes I just want to get on with business without rubbing private information in people's faces and the fact is that no matter how often I do it, the act of coming out to someone never gets easier or less nerve-racking – so I say "partner".I don't make any secret out of the fact that I'm in a relationship with a woman. Yet "partner" is the word I choose to use when I tread neutral ground with someone I don't know; when I want to talk about my relationship without outing myself. Sometimes I just want to get on with business without rubbing private information in people's faces and the fact is that no matter how often I do it, the act of coming out to someone never gets easier or less nerve-racking – so I say "partner".
The word to me has a mature yet cowardly feel to it; I know I'm using it to avoid revealing my sexuality. And although I use it, it makes me feel a little queasy.The word to me has a mature yet cowardly feel to it; I know I'm using it to avoid revealing my sexuality. And although I use it, it makes me feel a little queasy.
One particularly awful experience with the word first scarred me. I was setting up a bank account after moving to the UK from Sweden and the man helping me was not only terribly sleazy, but also an absolute lad trying to be all matey with me too. The worst.One particularly awful experience with the word first scarred me. I was setting up a bank account after moving to the UK from Sweden and the man helping me was not only terribly sleazy, but also an absolute lad trying to be all matey with me too. The worst.
As he was processing my application, something that felt like it took forever, he asked all sorts about me and my life. I couldn't help but feel I was being interrogated. While that might have been the case (I was a foreigner wanting a bank account after all), I also felt he wanted to get flirty. So I mentioned my "partner", hoping he'd stop asking about my house, my career and my weekend plans. But no. Instead he continued by dropping my "boyfriend" into the conversation. Where might I and my "boyfriend" want to move next? Did we also plan on getting a dog? What did "he" do for a living?As he was processing my application, something that felt like it took forever, he asked all sorts about me and my life. I couldn't help but feel I was being interrogated. While that might have been the case (I was a foreigner wanting a bank account after all), I also felt he wanted to get flirty. So I mentioned my "partner", hoping he'd stop asking about my house, my career and my weekend plans. But no. Instead he continued by dropping my "boyfriend" into the conversation. Where might I and my "boyfriend" want to move next? Did we also plan on getting a dog? What did "he" do for a living?
I pretended I didn't hear the gender specific pronouns and continued to carefully refer to my girlfriend as "they", feeling myself die a little inside as I crept further and further back into the closet. Of course I could just tell him that I'm a raging lesbian but I had no real interest in sharing such information with this man I never intended on seeing again. I knew how he'd react. And he did.I pretended I didn't hear the gender specific pronouns and continued to carefully refer to my girlfriend as "they", feeling myself die a little inside as I crept further and further back into the closet. Of course I could just tell him that I'm a raging lesbian but I had no real interest in sharing such information with this man I never intended on seeing again. I knew how he'd react. And he did.
Because eventually I broke down.Because eventually I broke down.
"Eh, it's actually my girlfriend, and no, she doesn't watch football.""Eh, it's actually my girlfriend, and no, she doesn't watch football."
His face dropped and a look of confusion was soon swapped for one of total glee, telling me that I didn't look like a lesbian – meaning this as a compliment; how sweet of him. And what did I think of that other bank employee over there, would I ever have guessed that he was gay? And of course, now bank lad had some fuel on his fire he continued to excitedly quiz me about my girlfriend, proper bonding with a real life lesbian – I could tell how he was bursting to get down the pub to tell his friends.His face dropped and a look of confusion was soon swapped for one of total glee, telling me that I didn't look like a lesbian – meaning this as a compliment; how sweet of him. And what did I think of that other bank employee over there, would I ever have guessed that he was gay? And of course, now bank lad had some fuel on his fire he continued to excitedly quiz me about my girlfriend, proper bonding with a real life lesbian – I could tell how he was bursting to get down the pub to tell his friends.
As I finally left, bank account papers in hand, I felt strangely in need of a shower, like someone had seen a bit too much of me. It wasn't pleasant.As I finally left, bank account papers in hand, I felt strangely in need of a shower, like someone had seen a bit too much of me. It wasn't pleasant.
Every time I've used the p-word since, my mind goes back to this day.Every time I've used the p-word since, my mind goes back to this day.
Almost two years on I was serving one of my favourite regular customers, a 30-something academic, in the cafe where I work. When he asked about my future plans, I said I would be staying in the city for some time.Almost two years on I was serving one of my favourite regular customers, a 30-something academic, in the cafe where I work. When he asked about my future plans, I said I would be staying in the city for some time.
"Oh really, why is that?""Oh really, why is that?"
"Well, my [here we go] partner got funding for a PhD," I said, fear growing over what would come next."Well, my [here we go] partner got funding for a PhD," I said, fear growing over what would come next.
"Ah cool, what does he or she do?""Ah cool, what does he or she do?"
The physical feeling of relief was immense. He hadn't assumed I was heterosexual. He hadn't assumed I had a boyfriend. In fact, he left the gender of my partner completely open. I could hardly believe it and so I hesitated before answering him with a big smile, happily telling him about what she does. He had no interest in her gender, he just continued asking about her research – and the feeling was phenomenal.The physical feeling of relief was immense. He hadn't assumed I was heterosexual. He hadn't assumed I had a boyfriend. In fact, he left the gender of my partner completely open. I could hardly believe it and so I hesitated before answering him with a big smile, happily telling him about what she does. He had no interest in her gender, he just continued asking about her research – and the feeling was phenomenal.
If coming out was this easy, I'd do it all the time.If coming out was this easy, I'd do it all the time.
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