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The swivel-eyed, the glass-eyed and the cross-eyed The swivel-eyed, the glass-eyed and the cross-eyed
(4 months later)
No sign of David Cameron in the Commons chamber. Perhaps he was lying in a darkened room, or consulting a hermit on top of a Himalayan mountain. His party appears to be disintegrating into endless factions beneath him. Loonies versus sort-of sane. Swivel-eyed against glass eyed.No sign of David Cameron in the Commons chamber. Perhaps he was lying in a darkened room, or consulting a hermit on top of a Himalayan mountain. His party appears to be disintegrating into endless factions beneath him. Loonies versus sort-of sane. Swivel-eyed against glass eyed.
Herding cats? By comparison, a sackful of kittens would be as easy to marshal as the Brigade of Guards. If they were football fans, hordes of police would be needed to keep Tory MPs at opposite ends of the stadium.Herding cats? By comparison, a sackful of kittens would be as easy to marshal as the Brigade of Guards. If they were football fans, hordes of police would be needed to keep Tory MPs at opposite ends of the stadium.
On Monday we started the last stages of the gay marriage bill, beginning with the timetable. Peter Bone (D, Wellingborough), the skull beneath the skin, laid down a marker.On Monday we started the last stages of the gay marriage bill, beginning with the timetable. Peter Bone (D, Wellingborough), the skull beneath the skin, laid down a marker.
There wasn't enough time for the debate. "It was really appalling when Labour did it; it is absolutely appalling when we do it!" he said. "You're worse than that lot!" – not the message Cameron was hoping for.There wasn't enough time for the debate. "It was really appalling when Labour did it; it is absolutely appalling when we do it!" he said. "You're worse than that lot!" – not the message Cameron was hoping for.
Sir Peter Bottomley (C, Worthing W) was, I think, in favour of gay marriage, which he compared to the Reform Act, the abolition of slavery and women's suffrage. MPs love to believe they are on the cusp of history.Sir Peter Bottomley (C, Worthing W) was, I think, in favour of gay marriage, which he compared to the Reform Act, the abolition of slavery and women's suffrage. MPs love to believe they are on the cusp of history.
Sir Gerald Howarth (C, Aldershot) said that the Commons might have voted in favour by a large majority, but only a minority of Tories had backed it.Sir Gerald Howarth (C, Aldershot) said that the Commons might have voted in favour by a large majority, but only a minority of Tories had backed it.
A new constitutional tenet: a bill doesn't just need most MPs; it needs the support of most MPs who agree with Sir Gerald!A new constitutional tenet: a bill doesn't just need most MPs; it needs the support of most MPs who agree with Sir Gerald!
Edward Leigh (C, Gainsborough) thought they ought not to be considering the bill at all: "We should be concentrating on the catastrophic destruction of the public finances created by the party opposite!"Edward Leigh (C, Gainsborough) thought they ought not to be considering the bill at all: "We should be concentrating on the catastrophic destruction of the public finances created by the party opposite!"
Another constitutional innovation: MPs should not pass laws if they could be abusing the Labour party instead.Another constitutional innovation: MPs should not pass laws if they could be abusing the Labour party instead.
Next we were onto protection for people who opposed gay marriage, whether ministers of religion or teachers. According to the amendment, teachers would not have to discuss gay marriage if they were opposed.Next we were onto protection for people who opposed gay marriage, whether ministers of religion or teachers. According to the amendment, teachers would not have to discuss gay marriage if they were opposed.
I wondered what would happen when – and if – Elton John gets married, an event which, making one of Jay Gatsby's parties look like a Methodist tea party in scout hut, may just make it onto the TV news, so undoing all the dogged silence of some teachers.I wondered what would happen when – and if – Elton John gets married, an event which, making one of Jay Gatsby's parties look like a Methodist tea party in scout hut, may just make it onto the TV news, so undoing all the dogged silence of some teachers.
Daniel Byles, (C, N. Warwicks) thought the chaos was good news, proof that MPs were in tune with the public.Daniel Byles, (C, N. Warwicks) thought the chaos was good news, proof that MPs were in tune with the public.
"The nation is deeply divided, and we have shown that we are in touch with the nation by our own divisions." Eh?"The nation is deeply divided, and we have shown that we are in touch with the nation by our own divisions." Eh?
The bonkitude was not confined to opponents. Stephen Doughty (Lab, Cardiff & Penarth) wanted us to follow the example of the New Zealand parliament where legalising gay marriage had led to "a feeling of happiness and the singing of love songs!" MPs were baffled.The bonkitude was not confined to opponents. Stephen Doughty (Lab, Cardiff & Penarth) wanted us to follow the example of the New Zealand parliament where legalising gay marriage had led to "a feeling of happiness and the singing of love songs!" MPs were baffled.
What should they be singing? Smokey Robinson's I Second That Motion, obviously, Here Come The Grooms, or Going To The Non-judgmental Chapel Of Love, perhapsWhat should they be singing? Smokey Robinson's I Second That Motion, obviously, Here Come The Grooms, or Going To The Non-judgmental Chapel Of Love, perhaps
Edward Leigh was back. He feared that the bill might allow people to be "beastly" to each other. "Freedom of conscience does not mean freedom to be beastly to anyone!"Edward Leigh was back. He feared that the bill might allow people to be "beastly" to each other. "Freedom of conscience does not mean freedom to be beastly to anyone!"
He was asked about teachers.He was asked about teachers.
Should a science teacher be allowed to teach creationism? Mr Leigh thought yes, "if creationism became a quasi-religious belief, which in fact it already is." So people who think dinosaur bones have been planted by Satan to stop people believing in Genesis should be set loose in our schools – provided they believed it sincerely.Should a science teacher be allowed to teach creationism? Mr Leigh thought yes, "if creationism became a quasi-religious belief, which in fact it already is." So people who think dinosaur bones have been planted by Satan to stop people believing in Genesis should be set loose in our schools – provided they believed it sincerely.
Mr Leigh tackled the optical issue. "My wife says as I get older, I am sometimes cross-eyed. I am not swivel-eyed, but if you called me cross-eyed I could take you to court!"Mr Leigh tackled the optical issue. "My wife says as I get older, I am sometimes cross-eyed. I am not swivel-eyed, but if you called me cross-eyed I could take you to court!"
This was getting crazier. Sir Gerald said that it didn't matter what parliament decided: "We have ceded our powers to the European Court of Human Rights." Bingo! He had melded the two great hate-Cameron issues into one!This was getting crazier. Sir Gerald said that it didn't matter what parliament decided: "We have ceded our powers to the European Court of Human Rights." Bingo! He had melded the two great hate-Cameron issues into one!
The prime minister must feel he's at the end of The Great Gatsby, "beating on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past".The prime minister must feel he's at the end of The Great Gatsby, "beating on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past".
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