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If Andy Coulson were still working for David Cameron … If Andy Coulson were still working for David Cameron …
(4 months later)
You have to admire the tactics of Andy Coulson. "How do I get a message to the prime minister?" thought the former Downing Street spin doctor. "Dave's not returning my calls, the staff at No 10 just shred my letters; there must be another way through. I know, he's going on holiday to Ibiza; I'll write a piece for GQ magazine!" This is actually the most depressing aspect of this whole episode – that the way to reach our national leader is in between reviews of flashy cars and photo-shoots of ladies in their underwear. Does David Cameron really read GQ? He must be the one person who thinks, "Wow, those watches are cheap."You have to admire the tactics of Andy Coulson. "How do I get a message to the prime minister?" thought the former Downing Street spin doctor. "Dave's not returning my calls, the staff at No 10 just shred my letters; there must be another way through. I know, he's going on holiday to Ibiza; I'll write a piece for GQ magazine!" This is actually the most depressing aspect of this whole episode – that the way to reach our national leader is in between reviews of flashy cars and photo-shoots of ladies in their underwear. Does David Cameron really read GQ? He must be the one person who thinks, "Wow, those watches are cheap."
Coulson presents a cunning 10-point plan that he claims could keep Cameron in No 10 in 2015. These include such gems as challenging Ed Miliband on policy and praising Boris Johnson in public. He warns that the mayor of London is actually after the prime minister's job. You wouldn't need to have hacked anyone's phone to work that one out. (Johnson was quick to deny Coulson's claim that he was hoping the PM would fail, which raises that difficult problem that both of them can't be lying.)Coulson presents a cunning 10-point plan that he claims could keep Cameron in No 10 in 2015. These include such gems as challenging Ed Miliband on policy and praising Boris Johnson in public. He warns that the mayor of London is actually after the prime minister's job. You wouldn't need to have hacked anyone's phone to work that one out. (Johnson was quick to deny Coulson's claim that he was hoping the PM would fail, which raises that difficult problem that both of them can't be lying.)
Next Coulson is critical of Ed Balls, and discusses the possibility of how Samantha Cameron might be deployed in an election campaign. The political gold dust just keeps on coming.Next Coulson is critical of Ed Balls, and discusses the possibility of how Samantha Cameron might be deployed in an election campaign. The political gold dust just keeps on coming.
Far more interesting than what he says, however, is why Coulson should finally choose to break cover in this way. Maybe the piece is a coded message to his former boss – that there are plenty more secret conversations from Downing Street that he might yet reveal.Far more interesting than what he says, however, is why Coulson should finally choose to break cover in this way. Maybe the piece is a coded message to his former boss – that there are plenty more secret conversations from Downing Street that he might yet reveal.
Or will the PM be eagerly studying these tips while Samantha rubs the factor 30 on his back, making her husband even more oily than he is already? Does Dave miss having the boy from the Basildon council house as his far-righthand man? Imagine what it must have been like when they first worked together: Cameron sitting entranced as Coulson told him all about the strange lives of these so called "working class" people ...Or will the PM be eagerly studying these tips while Samantha rubs the factor 30 on his back, making her husband even more oily than he is already? Does Dave miss having the boy from the Basildon council house as his far-righthand man? Imagine what it must have been like when they first worked together: Cameron sitting entranced as Coulson told him all about the strange lives of these so called "working class" people ...
"And these 'pit bulls' they have as pets – are they actually a type of bull?""And these 'pit bulls' they have as pets – are they actually a type of bull?"
"No, Prime Minister – they're like attack dogs.""No, Prime Minister – they're like attack dogs."
"Oh, I see. So like a director of communications?""Oh, I see. So like a director of communications?"
There are those who think that the prime minister might be in a better place now if he had been able to keep Coulson. (I mean a better place politically – he must already be in a good place if he's paying two grand for a week in Ibiza). That by losing his one conduit to the real world, the prime minister became totally out of touch with the voters, who are now switching in droves to Ukip. This theory would sort of fall apart if Coulson's defence were that he was completely out of touch with anything dodgy that might have been going on when he was at News International.There are those who think that the prime minister might be in a better place now if he had been able to keep Coulson. (I mean a better place politically – he must already be in a good place if he's paying two grand for a week in Ibiza). That by losing his one conduit to the real world, the prime minister became totally out of touch with the voters, who are now switching in droves to Ukip. This theory would sort of fall apart if Coulson's defence were that he was completely out of touch with anything dodgy that might have been going on when he was at News International.
It's also been claimed the breakdown between the rightwing press and the government would not have happened if Coulson were still at No 10. However, it seems only fair to point out that another factor in this rift might have been the Leveson inquiry, prompted by the News of the World hacking the phone of a murdered schoolgirl.It's also been claimed the breakdown between the rightwing press and the government would not have happened if Coulson were still at No 10. However, it seems only fair to point out that another factor in this rift might have been the Leveson inquiry, prompted by the News of the World hacking the phone of a murdered schoolgirl.
Obviously Coulson doesn't delve into any of this. GQ is actually a magazine for fantasists; look at the lifestyle you wish you had, look at the "perfect" women, the unattainable sports cars and the suits; Andy Coulson is using those pages to fantasise that his opinion still matters, that his fall from the corridors of power has not been total. Those glossy pages are full of stuff you can't afford. There isn't much that David Cameron can't afford, but renewing a friendship with Andy Coulson is definitely one of them.Obviously Coulson doesn't delve into any of this. GQ is actually a magazine for fantasists; look at the lifestyle you wish you had, look at the "perfect" women, the unattainable sports cars and the suits; Andy Coulson is using those pages to fantasise that his opinion still matters, that his fall from the corridors of power has not been total. Those glossy pages are full of stuff you can't afford. There isn't much that David Cameron can't afford, but renewing a friendship with Andy Coulson is definitely one of them.
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