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As a lesbian, I was neutral about gay marriage. Then I fell in love with a man As a lesbian, I was neutral about gay marriage. Then I fell in love with a man
(4 months later)
I think I'm finally getting to the point where people's shock about my partner's gender is outweighed by how much they approve of my choice. I've always wanted to end up with someone interesting, clever, funny, attractive, liberal-minded and, above all, kind. My partner is all of those things. Having been gay all my life, I just wasn't expecting him to be male.I think I'm finally getting to the point where people's shock about my partner's gender is outweighed by how much they approve of my choice. I've always wanted to end up with someone interesting, clever, funny, attractive, liberal-minded and, above all, kind. My partner is all of those things. Having been gay all my life, I just wasn't expecting him to be male.
Coming out as gay had been relatively easy, even though it took me 15 years to come to that conclusion, and another year and a half to come out. Everyone was very open-minded about it: "I'm gay", I said to my mother. "Thank you for telling us," my mother said. "More salad?"Coming out as gay had been relatively easy, even though it took me 15 years to come to that conclusion, and another year and a half to come out. Everyone was very open-minded about it: "I'm gay", I said to my mother. "Thank you for telling us," my mother said. "More salad?"
So that was that. And then, entirely by accident, I fell in love with a man. It took me a week and a half to ask him out for incredibly awkward coffee and bagels. His exact quote on the subject: "I liked you an awful lot, but as far as I was aware … you were a lesbian." Good point, sir.So that was that. And then, entirely by accident, I fell in love with a man. It took me a week and a half to ask him out for incredibly awkward coffee and bagels. His exact quote on the subject: "I liked you an awful lot, but as far as I was aware … you were a lesbian." Good point, sir.
Despite that obstacle, we're ridiculously happy together. And the fact that I suddenly have a long-term partner whom I could marry tomorrow, with no real obstacles other than our considerable collective poverty, has seriously changed my view of the gay marriage debate.Despite that obstacle, we're ridiculously happy together. And the fact that I suddenly have a long-term partner whom I could marry tomorrow, with no real obstacles other than our considerable collective poverty, has seriously changed my view of the gay marriage debate.
When I was gay (which always sounds odd, because I didn't magically stop being gay), I felt neutral to positive on the fight for gay marriage. While I was a world away from opposed, I just felt that we were fighting for something that wasn't worth the effort. Marriage is based around some fairly nasty ideas about a woman's role as property, first of her father, then of her husband, and as for all the legal malarkey, it seemed to be covered by civil partnerships.When I was gay (which always sounds odd, because I didn't magically stop being gay), I felt neutral to positive on the fight for gay marriage. While I was a world away from opposed, I just felt that we were fighting for something that wasn't worth the effort. Marriage is based around some fairly nasty ideas about a woman's role as property, first of her father, then of her husband, and as for all the legal malarkey, it seemed to be covered by civil partnerships.
Now, I see the point, because my partner and I want, eventually, to get married. It's because we want to be partners, in law, and in public. We want the shared custody of any children we have. We want to be allowed to visit each other in hospital, and take joint responsibility of our finances. None of this is because we have a more inherently serious relationship than any I had with a woman. It's because there's already an institution which allows us to have these things. Like many gay people, I had been so disenfranchised by the whole process that it no longer seemed worth the effort.Now, I see the point, because my partner and I want, eventually, to get married. It's because we want to be partners, in law, and in public. We want the shared custody of any children we have. We want to be allowed to visit each other in hospital, and take joint responsibility of our finances. None of this is because we have a more inherently serious relationship than any I had with a woman. It's because there's already an institution which allows us to have these things. Like many gay people, I had been so disenfranchised by the whole process that it no longer seemed worth the effort.
For me, it took being thrown clean out of my perspective to remember why I wanted it in the first place. Some rather smarter people got there without it. It isn't enough to say that civil partnerships give those rights, because the fact that we have one process for straight couples and another for gay ones, and that the process for straight couples is seen as a right that gay people don't deserve, means that the law is still discriminating against gay people, and removing them from the process as a whole.For me, it took being thrown clean out of my perspective to remember why I wanted it in the first place. Some rather smarter people got there without it. It isn't enough to say that civil partnerships give those rights, because the fact that we have one process for straight couples and another for gay ones, and that the process for straight couples is seen as a right that gay people don't deserve, means that the law is still discriminating against gay people, and removing them from the process as a whole.
The right to get married has not actually got to do all that much to do with love. It's to do with the law. No one can stop people loving each other, or building their lives together. The way gay people love each other will not be changed by whether or not the House of Lords passes the bill. But their legal standing as humans will change. They will have exactly the same right to marry as my partner and I do now.The right to get married has not actually got to do all that much to do with love. It's to do with the law. No one can stop people loving each other, or building their lives together. The way gay people love each other will not be changed by whether or not the House of Lords passes the bill. But their legal standing as humans will change. They will have exactly the same right to marry as my partner and I do now.
I am still the same person I was when I went out with women. Why, then, am I a better class of citizen now that my partner is a man?I am still the same person I was when I went out with women. Why, then, am I a better class of citizen now that my partner is a man?
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