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Simon Hoggart's week: is the age of the billboard MP upon us? Simon Hoggart's week: is the age of the billboard MP upon us?
(4 months later)
✒The startling sight of the Green MP Caroline Lucas wearing in the Commons a T-shirt marked in big bold letters "No More Page Three" set me thinking.✒The startling sight of the Green MP Caroline Lucas wearing in the Commons a T-shirt marked in big bold letters "No More Page Three" set me thinking.
Since we all know that many MPs are for sale, there is no reason why they shouldn't publicise on their clothing whoever is paying them. (I am not suggesting for a moment that Ms Lucas was paid anything.)Since we all know that many MPs are for sale, there is no reason why they shouldn't publicise on their clothing whoever is paying them. (I am not suggesting for a moment that Ms Lucas was paid anything.)
Patrick Mercer would wear a shirt marked "Return Fiji to the Commonwealth, now!" Timothy Yeo could have one. "For all your publicity needs, Hoosegow & Bridewell" with a phone number would look good.Patrick Mercer would wear a shirt marked "Return Fiji to the Commonwealth, now!" Timothy Yeo could have one. "For all your publicity needs, Hoosegow & Bridewell" with a phone number would look good.
Less well connected MPs could resemble those men in the centre of towns holding placards which read simply "Golf Sale".Less well connected MPs could resemble those men in the centre of towns holding placards which read simply "Golf Sale".
My friend Michael Fabricant could wear a shirt pointing up, saying, "Bald? Ask me about my hair-style substance. Easy terms."My friend Michael Fabricant could wear a shirt pointing up, saying, "Bald? Ask me about my hair-style substance. Easy terms."
The desperate could just have the words you sometimes see on matchbooks in America: "Your message here." At least it would be honest and straightforward, and there wouldn't be any point exposing them in the papers.The desperate could just have the words you sometimes see on matchbooks in America: "Your message here." At least it would be honest and straightforward, and there wouldn't be any point exposing them in the papers.
✒I loved the fact that Natalie Holt, the musician who so successfully egged Simon Cowell last weekend, is a violist. Not a violinist, a violist. For some reason which I have never understood, violas and the people who play them are held in mocking contempt by the rest of the orchestra.✒I loved the fact that Natalie Holt, the musician who so successfully egged Simon Cowell last weekend, is a violist. Not a violinist, a violist. For some reason which I have never understood, violas and the people who play them are held in mocking contempt by the rest of the orchestra.
It's like Belgian jokes in France, or Kerry jokes in Ireland – everyone joins in, but nobody is quite clear why.It's like Belgian jokes in France, or Kerry jokes in Ireland – everyone joins in, but nobody is quite clear why.
"If someone walks into a bank with a violin case, it's scary because he might have a Tommy gun. If he walks in with a viola case, it's worse, because he might have a viola.""If someone walks into a bank with a violin case, it's scary because he might have a Tommy gun. If he walks in with a viola case, it's worse, because he might have a viola."
"How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither strikes in the same place twice.""How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither strikes in the same place twice."
"The difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.""The difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline."
"Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, there's nothing you can do about it.""Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, there's nothing you can do about it."
And some are strictly for musicians, such as "How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it 'solo'." (I suppose this is because the viola player is scared of playing on his own, but not being a musician, I'm not sure.)And some are strictly for musicians, such as "How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it 'solo'." (I suppose this is because the viola player is scared of playing on his own, but not being a musician, I'm not sure.)
Anyhow, very good luck to Ms Holt who is clearly a fine and determined young woman who believes in making the world a better place.Anyhow, very good luck to Ms Holt who is clearly a fine and determined young woman who believes in making the world a better place.
✒This week we went to a concert at Holly Lodge in Richmond Park, which is the centre of a fine charity devoted to improving the lives of young people with special needs. For example, they can help control anger through horse therapy, which doesn't mean eating Findus lasagne, but cuddling and stroking horses.✒This week we went to a concert at Holly Lodge in Richmond Park, which is the centre of a fine charity devoted to improving the lives of young people with special needs. For example, they can help control anger through horse therapy, which doesn't mean eating Findus lasagne, but cuddling and stroking horses.
The guest of honour was to be Princess Alexandra who, unlike most minor royals who seem just annoying, does much work for charity and lives nearby. But she was ill, and the organiser had to let us know before the concert began.The guest of honour was to be Princess Alexandra who, unlike most minor royals who seem just annoying, does much work for charity and lives nearby. But she was ill, and the organiser had to let us know before the concert began.
Normally on such occasions a man with a dickey bow is telling you that he regrets that, owing to the indisposition of David Tennant or Ian McKellan or whoever, the part of Hamlet will be played by someone you've barely heard of.Normally on such occasions a man with a dickey bow is telling you that he regrets that, owing to the indisposition of David Tennant or Ian McKellan or whoever, the part of Hamlet will be played by someone you've barely heard of.
But this was the first time I've heard that same, sad sigh from a crowd not missing a member of the cast, but rueing a member of the audience.But this was the first time I've heard that same, sad sigh from a crowd not missing a member of the cast, but rueing a member of the audience.
✒We lived in the US for five years, and had a wonderful time, except when people assured us that baseball was the most marvellous American game, the quintessence of the nation's soul and proof of its inventiveness. I would point out that baseball is mentioned in the first chapter of Northanger Abbey, which was published in 1817, more than 20 years before the game was allegedly invented by a Union army officer, Abner Doubleday. In fact base ball – two words – was popular in Britain for years before that, and this week a newspaper clipping from 1749 was found, recording a game between the Prince of Wales's and the Earl of Middlesex's teams. In fact, base ball was just another name for rounders, and a variant of cricket – which was played almost as much as baseball in the 19th century US before being reduced now to a few amateur games, mainly involving Brits, Indians and people from the Caribbean. Doubleday never claimed to have invented the game; it was wished upon him, and these days many Americans have unwillingly come to accept that it is just another British import, along with the language, the legal system and Hugh Laurie.✒We lived in the US for five years, and had a wonderful time, except when people assured us that baseball was the most marvellous American game, the quintessence of the nation's soul and proof of its inventiveness. I would point out that baseball is mentioned in the first chapter of Northanger Abbey, which was published in 1817, more than 20 years before the game was allegedly invented by a Union army officer, Abner Doubleday. In fact base ball – two words – was popular in Britain for years before that, and this week a newspaper clipping from 1749 was found, recording a game between the Prince of Wales's and the Earl of Middlesex's teams. In fact, base ball was just another name for rounders, and a variant of cricket – which was played almost as much as baseball in the 19th century US before being reduced now to a few amateur games, mainly involving Brits, Indians and people from the Caribbean. Doubleday never claimed to have invented the game; it was wished upon him, and these days many Americans have unwillingly come to accept that it is just another British import, along with the language, the legal system and Hugh Laurie.
✒Still in America, the conspiracy theorists are back at work. They have found that the official social security death index, which lists all US deaths and is used as a precaution against identity theft, lists Adam Lanza has having died on 13 December last year, the day before he went into Sandy Hook school on a shooting spree that killed almost two dozen people. You and I might think this is a simple inputting mistake. Not if we were conspiracy theorists. Clearly the massacre was organised by the Obama administration to win support for stricter gun laws. Lanza was the fall guy and was killed before someone pretending to be him went the next day to the school … You can guess the rest. Just as George Bush arranged 9/11.✒Still in America, the conspiracy theorists are back at work. They have found that the official social security death index, which lists all US deaths and is used as a precaution against identity theft, lists Adam Lanza has having died on 13 December last year, the day before he went into Sandy Hook school on a shooting spree that killed almost two dozen people. You and I might think this is a simple inputting mistake. Not if we were conspiracy theorists. Clearly the massacre was organised by the Obama administration to win support for stricter gun laws. Lanza was the fall guy and was killed before someone pretending to be him went the next day to the school … You can guess the rest. Just as George Bush arranged 9/11.
✒I am grateful for the wisdom of that indispensable opponent of the wacky, the gullible, the mendacious and the simply crazed, Skeptical Inquirer magazine, June issue. Andy Lewis was browsing in Tesco and his eye lighted on "simple superfood salad. Previously, watercress, spinach and rocket salad". The ingredients are, he discovered, still watercress, spinach and rocket.✒I am grateful for the wisdom of that indispensable opponent of the wacky, the gullible, the mendacious and the simply crazed, Skeptical Inquirer magazine, June issue. Andy Lewis was browsing in Tesco and his eye lighted on "simple superfood salad. Previously, watercress, spinach and rocket salad". The ingredients are, he discovered, still watercress, spinach and rocket.
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