This article is from the source 'guardian' and was first published or seen on . It last changed over 40 days ago and won't be checked again for changes.
You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jun/21/revulsion-saatchi-lawson-helps-name-abuse
The article has changed 3 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.
| Version 0 | Version 1 |
|---|---|
| The revulsion at the Saatchi-Lawson pictures helps us name abuse | The revulsion at the Saatchi-Lawson pictures helps us name abuse |
| (about 17 hours later) | |
| One morning 17 years ago I woke to find the window in the front room of my flat broken. The curtain fluttered on an empty space; there was a brick on the floor lying in a heap of glass. My boyfriend, David, arranged for a glazier to come, while I took my six-year-old son to school using the back door, so that he wouldn't see it. (We'd been burgled recently; we didn't want him to feel unsafe.) I knew who'd thrown that brick. | One morning 17 years ago I woke to find the window in the front room of my flat broken. The curtain fluttered on an empty space; there was a brick on the floor lying in a heap of glass. My boyfriend, David, arranged for a glazier to come, while I took my six-year-old son to school using the back door, so that he wouldn't see it. (We'd been burgled recently; we didn't want him to feel unsafe.) I knew who'd thrown that brick. |
| When I listened to the phone message left for me the night before, it was confirmed: a former boyfriend; a man I had lived with; a man who still lived nearby. It was the usual threatening, rambling stuff: "I'm going to fucking kill you both" (aimed at me and my son; he didn't know about David). "I will burn the house down." | When I listened to the phone message left for me the night before, it was confirmed: a former boyfriend; a man I had lived with; a man who still lived nearby. It was the usual threatening, rambling stuff: "I'm going to fucking kill you both" (aimed at me and my son; he didn't know about David). "I will burn the house down." |
| I thought about that day again when I saw the photographs of Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi this week rowing outside a restaurant and followed the public debate that began at once about where the lines between volatile arguments and domestic violence might be drawn. Saatchi himself acknowledged the public revulsion, first in his statement – "the pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place" – and later by accepting a police caution. I was struck by how shocked he seemed by the public reaction. I know how that feels. | I thought about that day again when I saw the photographs of Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi this week rowing outside a restaurant and followed the public debate that began at once about where the lines between volatile arguments and domestic violence might be drawn. Saatchi himself acknowledged the public revulsion, first in his statement – "the pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place" – and later by accepting a police caution. I was struck by how shocked he seemed by the public reaction. I know how that feels. |
| Once I had dropped my son off to school that day 17 years ago, I played my ex's phone message to David. His reaction changed everything. He was an artist and academic. He was stocky, from a tough Middlesbrough background, and not what my son would have called a sissy. But I saw in his face that he was shocked. Worse: he was frightened. He insisted I should report it to the police. | Once I had dropped my son off to school that day 17 years ago, I played my ex's phone message to David. His reaction changed everything. He was an artist and academic. He was stocky, from a tough Middlesbrough background, and not what my son would have called a sissy. But I saw in his face that he was shocked. Worse: he was frightened. He insisted I should report it to the police. |
| I demurred. My ex – I'll call him X – had "exploded" in the past and I'd never called the police. But David was insistent. What if X made good his threat and next time the brick was something burning shoved through the letterbox? David took the day off work and waited for the police; he sat with me while I made a statement. | I demurred. My ex – I'll call him X – had "exploded" in the past and I'd never called the police. But David was insistent. What if X made good his threat and next time the brick was something burning shoved through the letterbox? David took the day off work and waited for the police; he sat with me while I made a statement. |
| The police reaction too was unexpected. I'd thought they'd find it trivial, accept my word that "he probably didn't mean it, he sounds drunk". But on hearing the phone message the male officer described it as "chilling". It amounted to a "threat to kill", he said, a serious offence. He could contact BT for a copy and it would make good evidence. | The police reaction too was unexpected. I'd thought they'd find it trivial, accept my word that "he probably didn't mean it, he sounds drunk". But on hearing the phone message the male officer described it as "chilling". It amounted to a "threat to kill", he said, a serious offence. He could contact BT for a copy and it would make good evidence. |
| Has he done this before, he asked. No, he had never broken a window. Had he ever assaulted me? | Has he done this before, he asked. No, he had never broken a window. Had he ever assaulted me? |
| A pause. | A pause. |
| This was a man I'd loved. Did I really want him arrested? I had got used to trying to make him happy, trying to make him feel better about his life, keep him sweet: a habit that went deep. | This was a man I'd loved. Did I really want him arrested? I had got used to trying to make him happy, trying to make him feel better about his life, keep him sweet: a habit that went deep. |
| He's pushed me, I said. He's kicked me. He's grabbed me. He's locked me in a room. He has explosive rages, calls me foul names, breaks things belonging to me. (Are these offences? Is this domestic violence? Do they count?) I once woke with his hands around my throat. He pushed me from a moving car. | He's pushed me, I said. He's kicked me. He's grabbed me. He's locked me in a room. He has explosive rages, calls me foul names, breaks things belonging to me. (Are these offences? Is this domestic violence? Do they count?) I once woke with his hands around my throat. He pushed me from a moving car. |
| Saying it aloud, watching their faces, was salutary. Having three witnesses – David, a young policewoman and a policeman – I saw, for the first time, what had happened through others' eyes. What once seemed trivial and manageable (I'm a tough cookie, I can cope) no longer did so. Did X have a criminal record? I thought not. But I did remember, suddenly, an occasion when X had shouted, in his threatening way, at my mother and how upset I'd been at witnessing it. How sorry I'd felt for her. She'd done nothing to deserve it: I could see that when he was bellowing so terrifyingly at someone else. | Saying it aloud, watching their faces, was salutary. Having three witnesses – David, a young policewoman and a policeman – I saw, for the first time, what had happened through others' eyes. What once seemed trivial and manageable (I'm a tough cookie, I can cope) no longer did so. Did X have a criminal record? I thought not. But I did remember, suddenly, an occasion when X had shouted, in his threatening way, at my mother and how upset I'd been at witnessing it. How sorry I'd felt for her. She'd done nothing to deserve it: I could see that when he was bellowing so terrifyingly at someone else. |
| If I would agree to press charges they would arrest him, the officer said. And so, I said yes. And that's what happened: X accepted a caution over the threat to kill, and agreed to stay away from us. He moved abroad. It turns out he did indeed have "previous": that's another story. I am married now, and have another son. | If I would agree to press charges they would arrest him, the officer said. And so, I said yes. And that's what happened: X accepted a caution over the threat to kill, and agreed to stay away from us. He moved abroad. It turns out he did indeed have "previous": that's another story. I am married now, and have another son. |
| For most people fights happen at home, without adult witnesses, (though there may be child ones). Shame is part of violent relationships, but it's usually the one on the receiving end who feels it most.(It's humiliating to be knocked about – think of falling over in the street: how quickly we leap up and say, I'm fine!) | For most people fights happen at home, without adult witnesses, (though there may be child ones). Shame is part of violent relationships, but it's usually the one on the receiving end who feels it most.(It's humiliating to be knocked about – think of falling over in the street: how quickly we leap up and say, I'm fine!) |
| Trying to decide if anger has turned into abuse is not easy when you're in the middle of it. The popular view is that it's the responsibility of the victim – usually a woman – to leave the relationship the moment it becomes violent, and there's something wrong with her if she doesn't. Research on domestic violence suggests that what makes a difference to men's behaviour is peer pressure – condemnation by other men in particular, as well as sanctions from the police and wider society. This week, I have been heartened to find there has definitely been that. | Trying to decide if anger has turned into abuse is not easy when you're in the middle of it. The popular view is that it's the responsibility of the victim – usually a woman – to leave the relationship the moment it becomes violent, and there's something wrong with her if she doesn't. Research on domestic violence suggests that what makes a difference to men's behaviour is peer pressure – condemnation by other men in particular, as well as sanctions from the police and wider society. This week, I have been heartened to find there has definitely been that. |
| • Comments for this article are being premoderated |