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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
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| Royal baby jokes: how Twitter reacted | Royal baby jokes: how Twitter reacted |
| (2 months later) | |
| Despite anything the historians say, we’ll never really know how the public reacted when previous heirs to the throne were born. But thanks to Twitter, society now has a vast permanent document detailing everyone’s minute-by-minute reaction to Kate’s labour and birth yesterday. That reaction? Mainly bad jokes, old jokes and grasping self-promotion. Here’s a timeline. | Despite anything the historians say, we’ll never really know how the public reacted when previous heirs to the throne were born. But thanks to Twitter, society now has a vast permanent document detailing everyone’s minute-by-minute reaction to Kate’s labour and birth yesterday. That reaction? Mainly bad jokes, old jokes and grasping self-promotion. Here’s a timeline. |
| 7:45am News breaks that Kate has arrived at hospital. In time-honoured fashion, Twitter realises that the word “labour” has multiple meanings. | 7:45am News breaks that Kate has arrived at hospital. In time-honoured fashion, Twitter realises that the word “labour” has multiple meanings. |
| Great to hear the Duchess of Cambridge has gone into labour. Is she an affiliated member? #boomtish #royalbaby | Great to hear the Duchess of Cambridge has gone into labour. Is she an affiliated member? #boomtish #royalbaby |
| 8am After 15 minutes of frantic panicking, Twitter finally works out how to use this news to further its own tedious agenda. | 8am After 15 minutes of frantic panicking, Twitter finally works out how to use this news to further its own tedious agenda. |
| OK. Here's the deal. If the Royal Baby is a Tyler, I leave for Australia. | OK. Here's the deal. If the Royal Baby is a Tyler, I leave for Australia. |
| 8:05am Twitter manages to sum up the mood of the nation. | 8:05am Twitter manages to sum up the mood of the nation. |
| NEWS OUTLETS: trying to gauge how enthused the British public are about the royal baby? Use this handy flow diagram. pic.twitter.com/d7T3YpyF5t | NEWS OUTLETS: trying to gauge how enthused the British public are about the royal baby? Use this handy flow diagram. pic.twitter.com/d7T3YpyF5t |
| 8:22am The lonely middle-aged men who pretend to be members of the royal family every day on Twitter look into the mirror. “Today we shine,” they say out loud. | 8:22am The lonely middle-aged men who pretend to be members of the royal family every day on Twitter look into the mirror. “Today we shine,” they say out loud. |
| Nicholas Witchell has been activated. #RoyalBaby | Nicholas Witchell has been activated. #RoyalBaby |
| 8:50am That evening, they will tell their mother that they had a great day pretending to be Prince Charles on Twitter, and their mother will briefly regret spending so much effort raising them. | 8:50am That evening, they will tell their mother that they had a great day pretending to be Prince Charles on Twitter, and their mother will briefly regret spending so much effort raising them. |
| The Royal Doctor has arrived to deliver the baby. On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix. #royalbaby | The Royal Doctor has arrived to deliver the baby. On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix. #royalbaby |
| 10:11am It took a while, but Twitter eventually discovers that the word "crowning" also has multiple meanings. | 10:11am It took a while, but Twitter eventually discovers that the word "crowning" also has multiple meanings. |
| Unfortunately the royal baby's first crowning will not be televised but I'm sure the second one will when it's all grown up | Unfortunately the royal baby's first crowning will not be televised but I'm sure the second one will when it's all grown up |
| 10:49am Remember when Paul Gascoigne offered to visit Raoul Moat? Twitter does. | 10:49am Remember when Paul Gascoigne offered to visit Raoul Moat? Twitter does. |
| BREAKING: Gazza has arrived at St. Mary's with a chicken sandwich, a can of lager and a fishing rod. #royalbaby | BREAKING: Gazza has arrived at St. Mary's with a chicken sandwich, a can of lager and a fishing rod. #royalbaby |
| 10:57am “Ooh, a Gazza joke,” Twitter thinks. “Maybe now’s the time to make a thuddingly unfunny joke referencing John Terry’s willingness to claim credit for things he hasn’t really contributed to.” | 10:57am “Ooh, a Gazza joke,” Twitter thinks. “Maybe now’s the time to make a thuddingly unfunny joke referencing John Terry’s willingness to claim credit for things he hasn’t really contributed to.” |
| Is John Terry on standby to claim credit for the #RoyalBaby? | Is John Terry on standby to claim credit for the #RoyalBaby? |
| 12:55pm The realisation of the effect that the royal birth will have on Twitter finally kicks in. | 12:55pm The realisation of the effect that the royal birth will have on Twitter finally kicks in. |
| FAIR WARNING: If the number of terrible #RoyalBaby parody accounts goes over 9000 today, we WILL destroy your planet. | FAIR WARNING: If the number of terrible #RoyalBaby parody accounts goes over 9000 today, we WILL destroy your planet. |
| 1:33pm As with all major events, celebrities soon jump in with their own jokes. They don’t really make sense, but it’s nice that they tried. | 1:33pm As with all major events, celebrities soon jump in with their own jokes. They don’t really make sense, but it’s nice that they tried. |
| Today may be a good day to announce my new EDM DJ name: Royal Baby Labour | Today may be a good day to announce my new EDM DJ name: Royal Baby Labour |
| 3:40pm Kate is still in labour. With nothing else left to do, Twitter decides to start making abysmal Game of Thrones jokes. | 3:40pm Kate is still in labour. With nothing else left to do, Twitter decides to start making abysmal Game of Thrones jokes. |
| Please oh please oh please name it Joffrey. #royalbaby | Please oh please oh please name it Joffrey. #royalbaby |
| 3:47pm Seriously. Everyone. | 3:47pm Seriously. Everyone. |
| In case you're tempted to make the obvious #royalbaby joke, everyone already thought of the Joffrey thing http://t.co/3mzOAPZK7C | In case you're tempted to make the obvious #royalbaby joke, everyone already thought of the Joffrey thing http://t.co/3mzOAPZK7C |
| 4:12pm Half an hour before the royal baby is born and, right on time, the novelty pizza arrives. | 4:12pm Half an hour before the royal baby is born and, right on time, the novelty pizza arrives. |
| Can't wait to see the Royal Baby? But ALSO fancy a pizza? Have I got the picture for you! pic.twitter.com/mNV0kuGJaC | Can't wait to see the Royal Baby? But ALSO fancy a pizza? Have I got the picture for you! pic.twitter.com/mNV0kuGJaC |
| 5:09pm The new baby is alive and well. However, Twitter doesn’t know this and starts recycling the exact same terrible Gazza joke from six hours ago. | 5:09pm The new baby is alive and well. However, Twitter doesn’t know this and starts recycling the exact same terrible Gazza joke from six hours ago. |
| Gazza has just turned up at the hospital with a fishing rod, some chicken and a couple of beers! #RoyalBaby | Gazza has just turned up at the hospital with a fishing rod, some chicken and a couple of beers! #RoyalBaby |
| 6:37pm “Gazza jokes?” Twitter thinks. “That reminds me, I know a good John Terry joke that has only been used several billion times today. My followers will love hearing that again." They are wrong. | 6:37pm “Gazza jokes?” Twitter thinks. “That reminds me, I know a good John Terry joke that has only been used several billion times today. My followers will love hearing that again." They are wrong. |
| Somewhere just outside the maternity suite, John Terry is scrubbing up ready for his photo call. #RoyalBaby | Somewhere just outside the maternity suite, John Terry is scrubbing up ready for his photo call. #RoyalBaby |
| 8:30pm The birth is announced. In a moment of weird pretend solemnity that only reflects how empty their lives are, the royal parodists all rush to announce it first. | 8:30pm The birth is announced. In a moment of weird pretend solemnity that only reflects how empty their lives are, the royal parodists all rush to announce it first. |
| The Royal Baby has arrived. It is a boy. #RoyalBaby | The Royal Baby has arrived. It is a boy. #RoyalBaby |
| 8:30pm Less than a minute later, Twitter reverts to form and starts slagging off all other forms of social media. | 8:30pm Less than a minute later, Twitter reverts to form and starts slagging off all other forms of social media. |
| It's probably best to unfriend Kate Middleton on Facebook now, and save the bother of seeing even more baby photos on there. #RoyalBaby | It's probably best to unfriend Kate Middleton on Facebook now, and save the bother of seeing even more baby photos on there. #RoyalBaby |
| 8:42pm Finally, the desperately opportunistic picture of an ice cream wearing a crown that the Wall’s work experience kid spent all day working on can now be revealed. | 8:42pm Finally, the desperately opportunistic picture of an ice cream wearing a crown that the Wall’s work experience kid spent all day working on can now be revealed. |
| Cheers to Will & Kate on their #MiniRoyal bundle of joy! #RoyalBaby pic.twitter.com/xo7nJooXRb | Cheers to Will & Kate on their #MiniRoyal bundle of joy! #RoyalBaby pic.twitter.com/xo7nJooXRb |
| 8:44pm This fake baby account gets 7,538 retweets. The lonely middle-aged man behind it starts entertaining dreams of lucrative book deals. Fake Queen Elizabeth and Fake Prince Charles narrow their eyes with envy. | 8:44pm This fake baby account gets 7,538 retweets. The lonely middle-aged man behind it starts entertaining dreams of lucrative book deals. Fake Queen Elizabeth and Fake Prince Charles narrow their eyes with envy. |
| OH NA NA WHAT'S MY NAME | OH NA NA WHAT'S MY NAME |
| 9:09pm The baby is less than five hours old. Every joke has been told. Twitter just wants to get back to pointing at cat pictures and arguing about feminism again now. | 9:09pm The baby is less than five hours old. Every joke has been told. Twitter just wants to get back to pointing at cat pictures and arguing about feminism again now. |
| Royal Baby. Royal Bab. Royal Ba. Royal B. Royal. Roya. Roy. Ro. R. B. Bo. Bor. Bore. Bored. | Royal Baby. Royal Bab. Royal Ba. Royal B. Royal. Roya. Roy. Ro. R. B. Bo. Bor. Bore. Bored. |
| 10:30pm Twitter wonders if you’ve heard this brilliant joke about Gazza. | 10:30pm Twitter wonders if you’ve heard this brilliant joke about Gazza. |
| just waiting for gazza to turn up to the hospital to see the royal baby, with a fishing rod, a blanket and chicken of course. | just waiting for gazza to turn up to the hospital to see the royal baby, with a fishing rod, a blanket and chicken of course. |
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