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| Version 0 | Version 1 |
|---|---|
| The rules | The rules |
| (2 months later) | |
| Marking a royal birth | Marking a royal birth |
| When a new heir to the throne is born, joy will be unconfined. (Segregated areas for the expression of joylessness can be located on the opinion pages of left-leaning newspapers and obscure corners of the internet.) The occasion shall be used as the pretext for everyone to tell everyone else the stories of the birth of their first child. All shall pretend to be interested. All distinctions of social class are dissolved. The delivery of a future monarch unites the nation. Inherited wealth and privilege are irrelevant to the celebrations. Drawing attention to them is vulgar. Complaining about them is seditious. | When a new heir to the throne is born, joy will be unconfined. (Segregated areas for the expression of joylessness can be located on the opinion pages of left-leaning newspapers and obscure corners of the internet.) The occasion shall be used as the pretext for everyone to tell everyone else the stories of the birth of their first child. All shall pretend to be interested. All distinctions of social class are dissolved. The delivery of a future monarch unites the nation. Inherited wealth and privilege are irrelevant to the celebrations. Drawing attention to them is vulgar. Complaining about them is seditious. |
| For a fixed period around the birth, everyone in the kingdom qualifies as a historian. Any half-remembered or invented precedent can be mobilised in commentary on events. For example, in Victorian times, the baby was delivered by the prime minister with 100 privy counsellors in attendance; the child is unlikely to be called Edward/Alexandra/Reginald because that was the name of the worst monarch of the 14th century/the illegitimate love child of the kaiser/Nebuchadnezzar's horse. | For a fixed period around the birth, everyone in the kingdom qualifies as a historian. Any half-remembered or invented precedent can be mobilised in commentary on events. For example, in Victorian times, the baby was delivered by the prime minister with 100 privy counsellors in attendance; the child is unlikely to be called Edward/Alexandra/Reginald because that was the name of the worst monarch of the 14th century/the illegitimate love child of the kaiser/Nebuchadnezzar's horse. |
| No connection with the royal household is too tenuous for the purposes of appearing on television as an expert. There is no depth of ignorance that cannot be concealed by speculating about the probability of something banal happening. As in: "I imagine that right now the duke and duchess will be happy and maybe a bit tired." | No connection with the royal household is too tenuous for the purposes of appearing on television as an expert. There is no depth of ignorance that cannot be concealed by speculating about the probability of something banal happening. As in: "I imagine that right now the duke and duchess will be happy and maybe a bit tired." |
| The metric unit for measuring royal banality is the Burley; the old imperial unit is the Witchell. The conversion rate is 3½ Burleys to the Witchell. | The metric unit for measuring royal banality is the Burley; the old imperial unit is the Witchell. The conversion rate is 3½ Burleys to the Witchell. |
| Everyone must lament the absence of privacy afforded to the parents of the child, while avidly consuming live intrusion into their privacy. | Everyone must lament the absence of privacy afforded to the parents of the child, while avidly consuming live intrusion into their privacy. |
| Not being a racist, but … | Not being a racist, but … |
| There is a delicate balance to be struck when crafting a policy on immigration, appealing to people who don't like foreigners without deploying language that is obviously racist. The point at which maximum xenophobia that can be mobilised with minimum affront to middle-class sensibilities is called May's equilibrium. | There is a delicate balance to be struck when crafting a policy on immigration, appealing to people who don't like foreigners without deploying language that is obviously racist. The point at which maximum xenophobia that can be mobilised with minimum affront to middle-class sensibilities is called May's equilibrium. |
| A handy case study is provided by a new Home Office plan to drive vans around London urging illegal migrants to return to their native countries. Officially, the message is aimed at migrants. Of course, the target audience is actually people who want reassurance that the government is being tough on migrants. The inference is that there is probably something illicit about many of the foreigners on the capital's streets, which is what racists think but Whitehall departments can't say out loud. | A handy case study is provided by a new Home Office plan to drive vans around London urging illegal migrants to return to their native countries. Officially, the message is aimed at migrants. Of course, the target audience is actually people who want reassurance that the government is being tough on migrants. The inference is that there is probably something illicit about many of the foreigners on the capital's streets, which is what racists think but Whitehall departments can't say out loud. |
| In case of doubt: "Go back where you came from!" – racist slogan shouted by skinheads. | In case of doubt: "Go back where you came from!" – racist slogan shouted by skinheads. |
| "Contact the Home Office for help going back where you came from" – respectable Tory migration policy. | "Contact the Home Office for help going back where you came from" – respectable Tory migration policy. |
| Turning the moneylenders out of the temple | Turning the moneylenders out of the temple |
| Simpler in Jesus's day because he didn't have multibillion pound funds with investments in the moneylending industry. | Simpler in Jesus's day because he didn't have multibillion pound funds with investments in the moneylending industry. |
| Explaining the economy | Explaining the economy |
| Former Tory chancellor Norman Lamont once claimed to be observing "green shoots" of recovery, for which premature optimism he was roundly condemned. Horticultural analogies in connection with the economy have subsequently been taboo. Two types of metaphor are now acceptable: | Former Tory chancellor Norman Lamont once claimed to be observing "green shoots" of recovery, for which premature optimism he was roundly condemned. Horticultural analogies in connection with the economy have subsequently been taboo. Two types of metaphor are now acceptable: |
| Medical – the economy was flat-lining. Then it was in intensive care. Now it is being nursed back to health. Next it will be sitting up in bed drinking soup. | Medical – the economy was flat-lining. Then it was in intensive care. Now it is being nursed back to health. Next it will be sitting up in bed drinking soup. |
| Meteorological – economies are battered by storms. Blue skies are sometimes visible in the distance but there are also often clouds on the horizon. | Meteorological – economies are battered by storms. Blue skies are sometimes visible in the distance but there are also often clouds on the horizon. |
| If there is ever a political or economic road to be travelled, it must always be long and hard. (The short and easy road, usually involving cheap lending to inflate a housing market bubble, can be travelled briefly but often leads back to the hospital.) Economic news is more reassuring when delivered in high-visibility jacket and hard hat. | If there is ever a political or economic road to be travelled, it must always be long and hard. (The short and easy road, usually involving cheap lending to inflate a housing market bubble, can be travelled briefly but often leads back to the hospital.) Economic news is more reassuring when delivered in high-visibility jacket and hard hat. |
| Filtering obscenity on the internet | Filtering obscenity on the internet |
| Likely to engender unintended consequences, as will become clear to anyone communicating online about shiitake mushrooms, wankel rotary engines and the town of Scunthorpe. | Likely to engender unintended consequences, as will become clear to anyone communicating online about shiitake mushrooms, wankel rotary engines and the town of Scunthorpe. |
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