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We need help getting divorced, not staying married We need help getting divorced, not staying married
(7 days later)
Australia’s new prime minister Tony Abbott did more than most to insult the “institution of marriage” in the lead up to the election when the Coalition announced that it would give $200 relationship vouchers to couples when they registered their "intention to marry".Australia’s new prime minister Tony Abbott did more than most to insult the “institution of marriage” in the lead up to the election when the Coalition announced that it would give $200 relationship vouchers to couples when they registered their "intention to marry".
It was a gallant gesture intended to stymie divorce, one that spoke very clearly to romantic notions of life-long love and – don’t be fooled by the inclusion of same-sex couples – the traditional nuclear family. The vouchers were the idea of Kevin Andrews, shadow minister for families up until the election, who has said that marriage breakdown is a greater threat to society than climate change or radical Islam.It was a gallant gesture intended to stymie divorce, one that spoke very clearly to romantic notions of life-long love and – don’t be fooled by the inclusion of same-sex couples – the traditional nuclear family. The vouchers were the idea of Kevin Andrews, shadow minister for families up until the election, who has said that marriage breakdown is a greater threat to society than climate change or radical Islam.
It is true that the realities of shared domestic chores, financial pressures, children and newer temptations like online liaisons (Facebook has been said to be a top cause for relationship troubles), have seen Australia’s divorce rate, and those in most secular countries, steadily increase the last 35 years.It is true that the realities of shared domestic chores, financial pressures, children and newer temptations like online liaisons (Facebook has been said to be a top cause for relationship troubles), have seen Australia’s divorce rate, and those in most secular countries, steadily increase the last 35 years.
It is true that divorce feels shameful. I never admit to it when I can avoid it. When asked to fill a form and tick the divorced, married, single or widowed box, I choose the single one. (Does anyone actually tick the divorced box?)It is true that divorce feels shameful. I never admit to it when I can avoid it. When asked to fill a form and tick the divorced, married, single or widowed box, I choose the single one. (Does anyone actually tick the divorced box?)
It is true that children are deeply affected by divorce. Anyone who has held a small sobbing body who just wants you back together cannot deny it. Without children I imagine divorce is a lot easier. Hard, but of no consequence beyond your own heart.It is true that children are deeply affected by divorce. Anyone who has held a small sobbing body who just wants you back together cannot deny it. Without children I imagine divorce is a lot easier. Hard, but of no consequence beyond your own heart.
It is also true that the most humiliating moments of one’s life are those standing in front of a family court judge, arguing over how many nights your children spend with each of you, where you’ll do handover, and how you’ll pass uniforms between houses. At the time, divorce feels eternal. At least, that’s how I’ve experienced it, until children grow up and you are set free from each other.It is also true that the most humiliating moments of one’s life are those standing in front of a family court judge, arguing over how many nights your children spend with each of you, where you’ll do handover, and how you’ll pass uniforms between houses. At the time, divorce feels eternal. At least, that’s how I’ve experienced it, until children grow up and you are set free from each other.
If couples with children can avoid divorce they should. I tell that to my friends who ask me for advice and I believe it to be true, but $200 relationship vouchers, even if cashed in preventively at the first sign of domestic discord, will not do anything to save any more marriages than those that already survive. (Realistically, $200 wouldn’t even buy you two hours with a competent counsellor.) There is no one reason for divorce, nor is there a simple solution (vouchers!) to preventing it.If couples with children can avoid divorce they should. I tell that to my friends who ask me for advice and I believe it to be true, but $200 relationship vouchers, even if cashed in preventively at the first sign of domestic discord, will not do anything to save any more marriages than those that already survive. (Realistically, $200 wouldn’t even buy you two hours with a competent counsellor.) There is no one reason for divorce, nor is there a simple solution (vouchers!) to preventing it.
The reality is that couples will always run up against what we bloodlessly call irreconcilable differences, and divorces will happen whether we like it or not. What would be genuinely useful would be to acknowledge this sad but ineluctable fact and provide better resources for easing the trauma of separation.The reality is that couples will always run up against what we bloodlessly call irreconcilable differences, and divorces will happen whether we like it or not. What would be genuinely useful would be to acknowledge this sad but ineluctable fact and provide better resources for easing the trauma of separation.
Divorce is shit. But everyone, including children, eventually gets over it. We muddle through, dented and scarred, but ultimately, in most cases, whole. What makes this possible is time, and the way that the adults in the situation choose to conduct themselves.Divorce is shit. But everyone, including children, eventually gets over it. We muddle through, dented and scarred, but ultimately, in most cases, whole. What makes this possible is time, and the way that the adults in the situation choose to conduct themselves.
The first time most of us encounter real government help is when separation makes it to court, a point at which you can almost guarantee that things have moved beyond toxic. In having made it there, most couples are ordered to attend "parenting after separation" courses, but parents don't go together and despite the effort of well meaning counsellors, resolves little and says not much more than "be nice to each other for the sake of the children." Chances are, if you've got this far, that's going to be a lot harder to actually do.The first time most of us encounter real government help is when separation makes it to court, a point at which you can almost guarantee that things have moved beyond toxic. In having made it there, most couples are ordered to attend "parenting after separation" courses, but parents don't go together and despite the effort of well meaning counsellors, resolves little and says not much more than "be nice to each other for the sake of the children." Chances are, if you've got this far, that's going to be a lot harder to actually do.
Once we have run our bags and phones through airport-like security on the way to court, help is too late. I cannot think of a more overwhelming moment than waiting for your name to be publicly roll-called to take your place before a magistrate. A revolving funeral procession of relationships, played out weekly in the most mundane of ways. Fuelled by fear and anger, the outcome is always doomed to hurt everyone, especially the children. I know this.Once we have run our bags and phones through airport-like security on the way to court, help is too late. I cannot think of a more overwhelming moment than waiting for your name to be publicly roll-called to take your place before a magistrate. A revolving funeral procession of relationships, played out weekly in the most mundane of ways. Fuelled by fear and anger, the outcome is always doomed to hurt everyone, especially the children. I know this.
The social impact of divorce can be cushioned. Parents can be civil. Children can be buffered (not shielded) from the long term effects of witnessing a destructive relationship between the two people they love most. What we so desperately need is early access to counsellors not to stay married, but to help us divorce. And to help our children understand what we ourselves often cannot. Access to lawyers (yes, one lawyer acting in everyone's interest!) who can counsel both parents on what is best for the family in dividing assets and negotiating shared care. The current system is not set up to do this. Abbott and Andrews’ proposal does nothing more than perpetuate its myths.The social impact of divorce can be cushioned. Parents can be civil. Children can be buffered (not shielded) from the long term effects of witnessing a destructive relationship between the two people they love most. What we so desperately need is early access to counsellors not to stay married, but to help us divorce. And to help our children understand what we ourselves often cannot. Access to lawyers (yes, one lawyer acting in everyone's interest!) who can counsel both parents on what is best for the family in dividing assets and negotiating shared care. The current system is not set up to do this. Abbott and Andrews’ proposal does nothing more than perpetuate its myths.
You can't stop divorce, but you can reduce its ugliness. There is not a lot I would have done different in my marriage. I can’t say the same for my divorce.You can't stop divorce, but you can reduce its ugliness. There is not a lot I would have done different in my marriage. I can’t say the same for my divorce.
We don’t need meaningless government gestures in the guise of helping build better marriages, but we do need help getting better divorces. The degree to which this affects our children is directly related to how adults choose to treat each other after a marriage has ended. Now that is a problem we can address.We don’t need meaningless government gestures in the guise of helping build better marriages, but we do need help getting better divorces. The degree to which this affects our children is directly related to how adults choose to treat each other after a marriage has ended. Now that is a problem we can address.
As Nora Ephron said: "Marriages come and go, but divorce is forever." We should be better at it. As Nora Ephron said: "Marriages come and go, but divorce is forever." We should be better at it. 
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