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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/14/essential-etiquette-guide-modern-life
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| Version 0 | Version 1 |
|---|---|
| The rules | The rules |
| (3 days later) | |
| How to be a Liberal Democrat | How to be a Liberal Democrat |
| Being a Liberal Democrat is harder than it used to be. In the days before coalition government, they could believe anything they liked and nobody cared. Now they have to believe what Conservatives like and still nobody cares. But they are not allowed to think of the time when they had their own opinions as the good old days. | Being a Liberal Democrat is harder than it used to be. In the days before coalition government, they could believe anything they liked and nobody cared. Now they have to believe what Conservatives like and still nobody cares. But they are not allowed to think of the time when they had their own opinions as the good old days. |
| The official position is that those were the Dark Times before the Lib Dems became a Serious Party of Government. The whole reason for believing in anything was to win power. Now the reason for not believing anything is to stay in power. | The official position is that those were the Dark Times before the Lib Dems became a Serious Party of Government. The whole reason for believing in anything was to win power. Now the reason for not believing anything is to stay in power. |
| The Lib Dems used to attract all sorts of people. There were voters who were interested in electoral systems in the way some people are interested in steam engines. | The Lib Dems used to attract all sorts of people. There were voters who were interested in electoral systems in the way some people are interested in steam engines. |
| There were voters who hated Labour but grew up in the 80s and lived in the north so could never vote Tory. There were Labour voters who hated Tony Blair. There were Tory voters who liked the European Union and/or taking drugs. But broadly the party consists of two wings: the social democrats who don't like trade unions and the classical liberals who don't like social democrats. The two sides are held together by the opposing forces of hatred coming at them from the bigger parties. | There were voters who hated Labour but grew up in the 80s and lived in the north so could never vote Tory. There were Labour voters who hated Tony Blair. There were Tory voters who liked the European Union and/or taking drugs. But broadly the party consists of two wings: the social democrats who don't like trade unions and the classical liberals who don't like social democrats. The two sides are held together by the opposing forces of hatred coming at them from the bigger parties. |
| How to be a Lib Dem leader | How to be a Lib Dem leader |
| The most important thing about being a Lib Dem leader is to watch your back, which is where, in all likelihood you will one day be stabbed. | The most important thing about being a Lib Dem leader is to watch your back, which is where, in all likelihood you will one day be stabbed. |
| Watching your own back may be technically awkward but it is still more comfortable than watching the news or opinion polls. | Watching your own back may be technically awkward but it is still more comfortable than watching the news or opinion polls. |
| Being liked by the party is no guarantee of security. The Lib Dems liked Charles Kennedy but they got rid of him because he drank. | Being liked by the party is no guarantee of security. The Lib Dems liked Charles Kennedy but they got rid of him because he drank. |
| They liked Menzies Campbell too but they got rid of him because he was old. Nick Clegg is young, sober and very unpopular, which is maybe why the Lib Dems haven't got rid of him yet. | They liked Menzies Campbell too but they got rid of him because he was old. Nick Clegg is young, sober and very unpopular, which is maybe why the Lib Dems haven't got rid of him yet. |
| Clegg wasn't always unpopular. For a few days during the general election campaign of 2010, he stood out as the fresh-faced alternative to the established parties, the beacon of hope that politics could be different. | Clegg wasn't always unpopular. For a few days during the general election campaign of 2010, he stood out as the fresh-faced alternative to the established parties, the beacon of hope that politics could be different. |
| That function is now performed by Nigel Farage, apart from the bit about hope and having a face that looks fresh. | That function is now performed by Nigel Farage, apart from the bit about hope and having a face that looks fresh. |
| Learn to speak Lib Dem | Learn to speak Lib Dem |
| Compromise What you call a U-turn in a coalition. | Compromise What you call a U-turn in a coalition. |
| Sandals and beards What lefty Lib Dem men used to sport before coalition. | Sandals and beards What lefty Lib Dem men used to sport before coalition. |
| Orange Book A collection of essays from the Lib Dem men who don't have sandals or beards. | Orange Book A collection of essays from the Lib Dem men who don't have sandals or beards. |
| The third party What Lib Dems used to be before Ukip. Losing the bronze medal position is a source of great sorrow, with the only consolation that they are still the third party in Scotland because everyone hates the Tories even more. | The third party What Lib Dems used to be before Ukip. Losing the bronze medal position is a source of great sorrow, with the only consolation that they are still the third party in Scotland because everyone hates the Tories even more. |
| The south-west Historic stronghold of Old Liberalism, the closest the Lib Dems have to a heartland. | The south-west Historic stronghold of Old Liberalism, the closest the Lib Dems have to a heartland. |
| Digging in Something the Lib Dems are good at in parliamentary seats, to the frustration of their enemies, especially in their south-western heartland. | Digging in Something the Lib Dems are good at in parliamentary seats, to the frustration of their enemies, especially in their south-western heartland. |
| Civil liberties This is the biggest issue for Lib Dems. Civil liberties are always said to be in danger of corrosion, which makes the Lib Dems the WD-40 of the constitution – occasionally useful in small bursts; toxic when sprayed around indiscriminately. | Civil liberties This is the biggest issue for Lib Dems. Civil liberties are always said to be in danger of corrosion, which makes the Lib Dems the WD-40 of the constitution – occasionally useful in small bursts; toxic when sprayed around indiscriminately. |
| Protest votes What Lib Dems used to benefit from and now don't. | Protest votes What Lib Dems used to benefit from and now don't. |
| Hung parliament What Lib Dems call winning a general election. | Hung parliament What Lib Dems call winning a general election. |
| Cleggmania The closest the Lib Dems ever got to winning a general election (not very close). | Cleggmania The closest the Lib Dems ever got to winning a general election (not very close). |
| Kingmaker The closest a Lib Dem leader can ever get to being prime minister (not very close). | Kingmaker The closest a Lib Dem leader can ever get to being prime minister (not very close). |
| Taxi The unit for measuring Lib Dem MPs when things are looking bleak. As in: "I remember when we had so few MPs they could all fit in the back of a London taxi." | Taxi The unit for measuring Lib Dem MPs when things are looking bleak. As in: "I remember when we had so few MPs they could all fit in the back of a London taxi." |
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