The rules

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/21/essential-etiquette-guide-labour-conference

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What is Labour?

Labour is historically the party of the working class, which means it is led by people who have read a lot of history books about the working classes. Social, economic and demographic changes in Britain over the past century mean class identity is not the galvanising force it once was in politics, but Labour retains its sense of solidarity by bringing together all the people who hate Tories.

(Labour people hate Lib Dems too but in a different way. Tories are the enemy army in the opposing trench; Lib Dems are the lice in your own trench.)

What does Labour believe?

The most important Labour idea is equality. That could mean making sure no one gets an unfair head start in life, which is called equality of opportunity. Or it could mean making sure no one falls behind in life, which is called equality of outcome. Or it could mean making sure enough people in the right places feel rich so they stop worrying about everyone else, which is called New Labour.

Labour believes in social justice. It also believes that no other party believes in social justice. If Tories or Lib Dems claim they care about poverty, the presumption must be that they are stupid or are lying. If voters believe them, it is because they are suffering from false consciousness, which is a way of saying they read newspapers other than the Guardian.

As well as having core beliefs, Labour also has factions. The main job of factions is in-fighting, which is what Labour does for fun when not winning elections. The main thing factions fight over is who is to blame for losing elections that Labour could have won if it hadn't been in-fighting.

The opposite of factionalism is unity, which is achieved when one faction temporarily succeeds in crushing the others. The biggest factional war in recent times was between the Blairites and the Brownites. Blairites are people who think the left of the party is unelectable. Brownites are people who think that too but have to pretend not to so that the left will help them knife the Blairites.

Useful words and phrases for Labour conference

Austerity A cynical ideological campaign by the Conservatives to dismantle public services and oppress the poor, finishing the work that Margaret Thatcher began, all justified on spurious and economically illiterate arguments about the pressing need to control the deficit and national debt.

Economic credibility What is meant to be achieved when Labour promises to control the deficit and the national debt too.

Briefing When frontbench MPs tell journalists how useless their colleagues or the leader are.

Whispers When backbench MPs tell journalists how useless frontbench MPs are. Dissent against the leadership is more commonly measured in "murmurs".

Friends The correct form of address for party members in official speeches because "comrades" sounds a bit lefty.

Rupert Murdoch Falsifier-in-chief of the national consciousness.

Leader's speech Anticipated as the most important thing said by anyone ever.

Blue Labour Middle-class intellectuals with a romantic view of traditional working-class communities. Too bookish to be a proper faction.

Capitalism Judged to have failed but tolerated while the search for a better system continues.

Markets Acceptable when fettered. Unfettered, they account for the failure of capitalism. On no account to be allowed to run rampant in public services.

Reform A good idea in theory but to be avoided if it looks like letting markets run rampant in public services.

Predistribution Trying to compensate for the failures of capitalism without raising the tax burden on middle-class voters too much.

One Nation Ed Miliband's vision of a society in which middle-class people might one day be persuaded to consent to having their tax burden raised.

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