What David Cameron still hasn't learned about political kissing

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/shortcuts/2013/oct/02/david-cameron-political-kissing-samantha

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David Cameron leant in for an on-stage kiss at conference today but his wife, Samantha, sagely held back. And thank goodness she did: the political kiss is a minefield, with the potential for public rejection, toe-curling awkwardness and unflattering face-squish dangerously high. Here are 13 lessons politicians should learn from party conference's posed pecks and other awkward kiss photo-ops.

The 'Look! I have a wife!' kiss

Don't come over all coquettish. These staged photographs from the Labour party conference are like a master class titled "How Not To Kiss Your Wife". Ed's nervous grin makes it look as if Justine is trying to coax him into a voyeuristic quickie on the balcony and he has clammed up and told her: "No, come on, someone might see us. Stop being weird." Like some kind of joyless prude.

Don't enjoy it too much. Here Ed has gone much too far the other way and closed his eyes in apparent orgasmic bliss in response to a simple peck on the cheek. The other lesson to take from this one is not to pose for kiss shots in the privacy of your hotel room. The resulting vibe is "awkward couple setting up joint profile for swingers website".

Don't kiss shoulder-to-shoulder. The front-on poses and dangling spare hands here make it look as if the peck is taking place in the middle of a dance number.

Do bloody well go for it. This is more like it. Take a leaf out of Al Gore and his wife Tipper's book and kiss, hug and hold each other like there's no one else in the world.

The difficult guy-on-guy kiss

Don't grapple. If you find yourself forcing the other man's head towards your mouth odds are he hasn't been longing for this kiss as long as you have. Although in this case the other man is Vladimir Putin, so a few good smooches with a bloke might help him get over the whole "Some people are gay!" thing he seems to have such a problem with.

Don't smirk. The guy with the moustache here is Algerian president Abdelaziz Bouteflika. At the time there was a rumour that Sarkozy was laughing because Bouteflika's name sounds a bit like "booty flicker". But that's unlikely to be true because a) Sarkozy's French, b) it's not pronounced like that and c) I made it up.

Do bloody well go for it. Same lesson again here. This time it's Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev and East German president Erich Honecker sharing a "socialist fraternal kiss" back in 1979. Yet more proof that socialism was brilliant and had no flaws whatsoever.

The 'Not the lips!' kiss

Don't try to evade Obama. You will fail. Here he is demonstrating his mighty "trapping hand behind the back technique". Aung San Suu Kyi didn't stand a chance.

Don't kiss Rick Santorum. This woman did and now there's a photo on the internet of her kissing Rick Santorum. A cautionary tale if ever there was one.

Do not bloody well go for it with Berlusconi. Take note, Putin. Italian businesswoman Emma Marcegaglia has the art of being kissed by Silvio Berlusconi down. Note: the proffering of the cheek, not the mouth; the prominence of the wedding ring; the subtle grimace of duty; and – most important of all – the napkin, for immediate decontamination and, if it helps, a quick sob.

And finally, some bonus lessons from George W Bush

Don't bite Oprah on the cheek. She doesn't like it. Her fans don't like it. The voters don't like it. This shouldn't have had to be spelt out.

Don't make yourself look like a child. If you are going to kiss a woman who's a good four inches taller than you, put down the football first. It will make you look six years old.

Don't do whatever this is supposed to be. Is it a power-stance? A pout? A face-rub? And why do they both have spades? None of this should ever have been allowed to happen.

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