National Coming Out Day: our readers share their stories

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/11/national-coming-out-day-stories-gay-pride

Version 0 of 1.

Today is the 25th anniversary of National Coming Out Day, a day of recognition for those who've publicly disclosed being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. This year's theme is: coming out still matters.

In the lead-up to today, we asked Guardian readers to share their stories of coming out to their friends and family. Here are some of the best:

'You're radical, and that's all that matters' – Adrien, Florida

I came out as transgender to my mother on National Coming Out Day in 2010. It didn't go well. My family has a powerful ability to pretend their problems will just go away. It'll be three years this Friday and they still pretend like I'm a girl ... or something. Mystifying.

I was 20 years old. I came out to all my college friends months before that. Lo and behold, they were totally cool with it.

What advice would you give to someone thinking of coming out?

Figure out who you can trust. Who's going to be cooler about it, your friends or your family? Tell them first. That way you have some kind of backup if coming out to someone in another part of your life goes belly-up.

If it all does go belly-up, remember, you're radical and that's all that matters. Take care of yourself.

'Be fearless' – Jack, Massachusetts

I came out when I was 15. It was important for me to tell my family before anyone else did, so I began with my mother and my sister. My mom seemed fine, my sister cried, and I was confident on the outside but terrified on the inside.

I told my friends next, the ones that mattered didn't seem to care. I was the only openly gay guy in my high school. People were shocked, because I apparently did not "seem gay" in any way.

In reality, coming out never ends, and I view it as my duty not to flaunt my sexuality, but to make it known when the subjects of partnerships and sexuality come up in conversation with new people. I'm not proud to be gay, but I am proud that I am comfortable with it, and I am proud that I made the choice to come out. It's something I would never regret, and yes -- life got much better.

What advice would you give someone thinking of coming out?

Be fearless. Even if you are afraid, project confidence. Know that the people that love you -- even if it is something they might initially find strange -- will someday find your sexuality irrelevant. You might be surprised to find out that a lot of them already know, and they might even be relieved when you tell them. Also, tell the important people in person, politely but bluntly.

They probably won't care as much as you think they will. If you think they will reject you because of your sexuality, think about what is right for you. Are you going to be safe? Will you have to leave your home? These are real issues, and you need to do what is best for you. Hiding it when you don't need to is the worst option, you'll be miserable and likely have partners you aren't attracted to, which unfair to them and you.

'I mentioned my boyfriend and was promptly hospitalized for it' – Jeremy, Mississippi

I was 16 when I "officially" came out; I'd strongly suggested that I might be at age 12 in Ohio when I mentioned my boyfriend and was promptly hospitalized for it. That six-week stay taught me to be quiet.

Flash forward four years to Mississippi: I was 16, still gay (of course) and somewhat fearful of what the reaction would be this time, but it was a secret I could not longer keep quiet. Told mom first while she was driving on one of the long lonesome county roads that litter Mississippi, because I knew she wouldn't be able to look directly at me and I'd have her undivided attention.

She paused, looked down, glanced to her left.

"You know, it'll be a lonely life."

"Maybe so," I replied firmly, "but it's better than living a lie."

What advice would you give someone thinking of coming out?

Consider it cautiously and think of the possible consequences, particularly if you're under the age of 18. There is no guarantee that your "coming out" story will be a good one and that you'll be accepted by those close to you, although it is possible. Either way, you'll find out who your true friends are and who you can really count on in life after you come out, and the feeling of that tremendous burden of secrecy being lifted off your shoulders is simply incredible.

'The secret was eating me up inside' – Tom, London

I was about 17 (having known I was gay since around 11) and the secret was eating me up inside – I needed to tell someone but was too terrified to even say it myself. A friend's little sister asked me out in a pub full of people I knew, so I politely declined, citing the fact that I was gay, and making sure everyone heard. People all reacted well, but she thought it was just an excuse not to go out with her and all my friends were so drunk they forgot about it the next day, meaning I had to do it all over again that evening.

What advice would you give someone thinking of coming out?

It's like ripping off a plaster, do it sooner rather than later – it might be scary but you'll be glad of it once you've done it and that weight is lifted off your shoulders. Before I came out I didn't even realise how much it affected my life, a world beneath the burden of the lie I was living was the only world I had known.

'Be prepared to fight for your rights' – Cait, Australia

When I was 19 I told my best friend I was interested in girls and then when I was 20 I told her I was only ever going to have relationships with women. When I was 21 my dad walked in on my girlfriend and I kissing. I come from a strong Catholic family. For a while at home I felt like a guest who had overstayed her welcome. My dad treated me with tolerance. It was uncomfortable and I felt like a burden to him.

It has taken him a year to accept me. My mother is Italian and due to her culture I had been most fearful of her reaction. [But] from the minute I said the words "I'm gay" she has been nothing but supportive, loving and generous, so in other words, nothing changed at all.

If anything our relationship was better because I could be honest and share my life with her.

What advice would you give someone thinking of coming out?

Be prepared for change. Get involved in the community. Be prepared to fight for your rights.

'Self-acceptance is my super power' – Samantha, Boston

I was the age I am now: 22. I told myself first, and I reacted poorly, in the way I always feared when I thought of telling anyone else. Denial, disbelief, "it's a phase," "you haven't met the right man," "you're delusional." But the truth had a persistent way of living just beneath the lies I tried to tell myself to scare myself straight. I talked through my fears with a few close friends, people who supported me, listened and looked at me no differently after the fact.

I began to feel proud of the incredible, passionate, true love I can feel for another woman and found strength in it. Self-acceptance is my super power, from where I draw the courage to look strangers in the eye and say, "yep, I'm super gay."

What advice would you give someone who is struggling with their sexuality?

You can be scared, but don't let the fear control you. You know who you are and what you need better than anyone else. Be patient, and trust yourself. It will all come out eventually.

'The biggest problem I had was living a lie' – Terry, Leeds

I believe I would not have become a millionaire and been as successful had I not come out as being openly gay.

My first business was in the early 90s running a gay night with over a thousand people attending each month. from there I went on to own Mr Gay UK, a national gay magazine, a gay telecoms company, two gay bars and a nightclub in the heart of Leeds.

The biggest problem I had was living a lie. The moment I was able to tell my parents meant it didn't matter what anybody else thought. Being honest, first to yourself, and then to other people makes you more transparent and people begin to trust in you if they can see this transparency.

What advice would you give someone thinking of coming out?

I think the longer you leave it more difficult it becomes. Start by telling someone you trust, someone you know who will be supportive. It might be a good idea to suss out their attitudes on sexuality first.

Our editors' picks for the day's top news and commentary delivered to your inbox each morning.