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| A single man's guide to seeing Blue Is the Warmest Colour | A single man's guide to seeing Blue Is the Warmest Colour |
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| It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes. Steven Spielberg called it magnificent. Peter Bradshaw's given it a glowing review. A friend of mine was so affected by its naturalistic power that he found himself waking up the next day and wondering if Adèle, the film's chief protagonist, was doing OK. The trailer is haunting enough. And it's playing at the cinema that lies three minutes' walk from my flat. Why would I not see Blue Is The Warmest Colour? | It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes. Steven Spielberg called it magnificent. Peter Bradshaw's given it a glowing review. A friend of mine was so affected by its naturalistic power that he found himself waking up the next day and wondering if Adèle, the film's chief protagonist, was doing OK. The trailer is haunting enough. And it's playing at the cinema that lies three minutes' walk from my flat. Why would I not see Blue Is The Warmest Colour? |
| There's a catch. It's a a lesbian coming-of-age drama that features an explicit seven-minute sex scene between its two young female leads. I'm a 40-year-old man. This could be embarrassing. People could get the wrong idea when I arrive at the box office. | There's a catch. It's a a lesbian coming-of-age drama that features an explicit seven-minute sex scene between its two young female leads. I'm a 40-year-old man. This could be embarrassing. People could get the wrong idea when I arrive at the box office. |
| There's a widespread perception that sex sells, in cinema, as elsewhere. Maybe a hint of it does. But Hollywood, no stranger to the concept of selling, is in retreat from the full-on sex scene. In an era of $200bn movies about robots hitting each other, a flash of Megan Fox in a bikini is more likely to test-screen well than Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke pouring the contents of the fridge over each other's bodies, which is just as well, as they're both about 60 now and probably not up for doing that kind of thing any more. | |
| So we seem to be back to the era of the "arty European film" being code for "a bit mucky". When I received an invitation to an advance screening of François Ozon's latest, Jeune & Jolie, I was torn. On the one hand, I'm a fan of Ozon's mysterious, unsettling dramas. On the other, Jeune & Jolie is another film featuring a young actress in the nip, a fact not shied away from in the publicity materials. I'd never said yes to any of these advance screenings this publicist had offered before. Could I do so for the first time, to see a film that happens to be about a teenage girl's sexual experimentation? I consulted a female colleague. "No, you can't," she said. "But Ozon's In the House was one of my favourite films last year," I appealed. "Sorry, that's just the way it is." | So we seem to be back to the era of the "arty European film" being code for "a bit mucky". When I received an invitation to an advance screening of François Ozon's latest, Jeune & Jolie, I was torn. On the one hand, I'm a fan of Ozon's mysterious, unsettling dramas. On the other, Jeune & Jolie is another film featuring a young actress in the nip, a fact not shied away from in the publicity materials. I'd never said yes to any of these advance screenings this publicist had offered before. Could I do so for the first time, to see a film that happens to be about a teenage girl's sexual experimentation? I consulted a female colleague. "No, you can't," she said. "But Ozon's In the House was one of my favourite films last year," I appealed. "Sorry, that's just the way it is." |
| There we have it. Sex = box office poison. Certainly a minefield for a single heterosexual man. So if you're determined to see Blue Is the Warmest Colour, Jeune & Jolie or whatever tender tale of sexual awakening next plays at your local arthouse cinema, you might want to consider these strategies to avoid blushing when you arrive and ending up buying a ticket for whatever's playing on the other screen instead. | There we have it. Sex = box office poison. Certainly a minefield for a single heterosexual man. So if you're determined to see Blue Is the Warmest Colour, Jeune & Jolie or whatever tender tale of sexual awakening next plays at your local arthouse cinema, you might want to consider these strategies to avoid blushing when you arrive and ending up buying a ticket for whatever's playing on the other screen instead. |
| Go to lots of other films | Go to lots of other films |
| Visit the cinema regularly and the box office staff at least won't think anything of it when you turn up for a film that happens to have strong sexual content. Why, only last week you were in watching a documentary about the massacres in Indonesia, sir. You are clearly a valued member of the local intelligentsia – can I interest you in some carrot cake? | Visit the cinema regularly and the box office staff at least won't think anything of it when you turn up for a film that happens to have strong sexual content. Why, only last week you were in watching a documentary about the massacres in Indonesia, sir. You are clearly a valued member of the local intelligentsia – can I interest you in some carrot cake? |
| Make a joke about it when you buy the ticket "Blue Is the Warmest Colour, please. Don't worry – I'm not part of the dirty raincoat brigade. In fact, I think the dirty raincoat brigade has been disbanded. Since the advent of internet porn they're all at home sitting in dirty dressing gowns instead. Ha ha. Not that I'm saying this film is porn. Yes, just the one ticket, thanks." | Make a joke about it when you buy the ticket "Blue Is the Warmest Colour, please. Don't worry – I'm not part of the dirty raincoat brigade. In fact, I think the dirty raincoat brigade has been disbanded. Since the advent of internet porn they're all at home sitting in dirty dressing gowns instead. Ha ha. Not that I'm saying this film is porn. Yes, just the one ticket, thanks." |
| Go with a date | Go with a date |
| You'll arouse little suspicion from cinema employees and fellow audience members, but your companion could be less impressed. On a first date, Blue Is the Warmest Colour might be a step into Travis Bickle territory. If you find yourself reassuring her with a line like "This is a movie that a lot of couples go to … all kinds of couples", you've misjudged the mood. | You'll arouse little suspicion from cinema employees and fellow audience members, but your companion could be less impressed. On a first date, Blue Is the Warmest Colour might be a step into Travis Bickle territory. If you find yourself reassuring her with a line like "This is a movie that a lot of couples go to … all kinds of couples", you've misjudged the mood. |
| Go with a female friend | Go with a female friend |
| Proceed with caution. Inform her of the content of the film beforehand, and ensure that you're both comfortable with the platonic status of your relationship. If there's any chance she might take a graphic depiction of cunnilingus as a weird message that you'd like to move out of the friend zone, this could go very wrong. | Proceed with caution. Inform her of the content of the film beforehand, and ensure that you're both comfortable with the platonic status of your relationship. If there's any chance she might take a graphic depiction of cunnilingus as a weird message that you'd like to move out of the friend zone, this could go very wrong. |
| Pretend it's boring | Pretend it's boring |
| A male film critic trick. They may have the perfect excuse to see the film in the first place, but when it comes to actually writing about it, the fear that they'll be accused of inappropriately appreciating sexually explicit scenes often leads them to dismissing them instead as boring. Take a leaf out of their book by rustling snacks, checking your phone or snoring whenever there's nudity on show. People will soon get the message that you're only there for the intense drama. Just make sure no one thinks you're trying the popcorn trick. On yourself. | A male film critic trick. They may have the perfect excuse to see the film in the first place, but when it comes to actually writing about it, the fear that they'll be accused of inappropriately appreciating sexually explicit scenes often leads them to dismissing them instead as boring. Take a leaf out of their book by rustling snacks, checking your phone or snoring whenever there's nudity on show. People will soon get the message that you're only there for the intense drama. Just make sure no one thinks you're trying the popcorn trick. On yourself. |
| I never got to see the advance screening of Jeune & Jolie. It wasn't that I allowed my colleague to cow me. Well, I did for a while. But then another invitation came. And then another. In the end, I broke down and said yes. But despite the publicist's initial perseverance, no confirmation email with details of venue was ever returned to me. They clearly suspected something. | I never got to see the advance screening of Jeune & Jolie. It wasn't that I allowed my colleague to cow me. Well, I did for a while. But then another invitation came. And then another. In the end, I broke down and said yes. But despite the publicist's initial perseverance, no confirmation email with details of venue was ever returned to me. They clearly suspected something. |
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