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'I saw my Mandela... and all I could do was cry' | 'I saw my Mandela... and all I could do was cry' |
(about 7 hours later) | |
Hundreds of people walked past me as I made my way to where Nelson Mandela lay in a wood and glass coffin - all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating hard against my chest. | Hundreds of people walked past me as I made my way to where Nelson Mandela lay in a wood and glass coffin - all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating hard against my chest. |
There were two queues - one on either side of the coffin. Four men dressed in white uniform stood guard around it. | There were two queues - one on either side of the coffin. Four men dressed in white uniform stood guard around it. |
In front of them a petite policewoman directed the flow of traffic: "One to my left, one to my right, please," she said as I approached. | In front of them a petite policewoman directed the flow of traffic: "One to my left, one to my right, please," she said as I approached. |
She was no more than a metre from me but her voice sounded distant - drowned out by the sound of my beating heart, now louder and faster. | She was no more than a metre from me but her voice sounded distant - drowned out by the sound of my beating heart, now louder and faster. |
The path to the coffin was lined with a red carpet. I saw the casket before I reached it. | The path to the coffin was lined with a red carpet. I saw the casket before I reached it. |
There it was, the box that would imprison Mandela for all eternity. | There it was, the box that would imprison Mandela for all eternity. |
As I got closer, my knees felt weak and heavy. It was as though I had forgotten how to walk. "Left, right, left right," I said in my head - an instruction I had never before needed to give myself. | As I got closer, my knees felt weak and heavy. It was as though I had forgotten how to walk. "Left, right, left right," I said in my head - an instruction I had never before needed to give myself. |
My heart was now beating even faster and louder. | My heart was now beating even faster and louder. |
I don't know why I was so anxious. | I don't know why I was so anxious. |
I have been to many funerals in my life and filing past an open coffin is standard practice at funerals for black South Africans. | I have been to many funerals in my life and filing past an open coffin is standard practice at funerals for black South Africans. |
But of all the funerals I've been to, I have only cried twice after seeing a loved one. | But of all the funerals I've been to, I have only cried twice after seeing a loved one. |
The first was at my beloved grandmother's funeral in 2002, the second was at the burial of my cousin, who I had always regarded as an older sister. | The first was at my beloved grandmother's funeral in 2002, the second was at the burial of my cousin, who I had always regarded as an older sister. |
And now for Mandela, a man I had no worldly relation to but deeply loved. | And now for Mandela, a man I had no worldly relation to but deeply loved. |
I loved him more than I realised until I saw him lying there, lifeless. | I loved him more than I realised until I saw him lying there, lifeless. |
Overwhelming grief | Overwhelming grief |
Something about Mandela made you feel like he was exclusively yours, whether you had personally met him or had merely been in the same space as him. | Something about Mandela made you feel like he was exclusively yours, whether you had personally met him or had merely been in the same space as him. |
He could be in a room of thousands of people, look in your direction and make you feel as though you were the only one who mattered to him. | He could be in a room of thousands of people, look in your direction and make you feel as though you were the only one who mattered to him. |
That is a rare and special gift. | That is a rare and special gift. |
My time with him in that temporary wooden arch was exactly like that. | My time with him in that temporary wooden arch was exactly like that. |
There must have been eight people inside, four on either side but it felt like I was alone - my moment to say goodbye to my Mandela. | There must have been eight people inside, four on either side but it felt like I was alone - my moment to say goodbye to my Mandela. |
They all raised their fists in the freedom salute and walked out. I felt a lump in my throat. | They all raised their fists in the freedom salute and walked out. I felt a lump in my throat. |
There lay the man the world knew as a fighter, except this time he wasn't fighting: he didn't need to any more - he was at peace. | There lay the man the world knew as a fighter, except this time he wasn't fighting: he didn't need to any more - he was at peace. |
I raised my hand to wave goodbye; it felt heavy. "Up," I said in my head, trying to command my now defiant hand. | I raised my hand to wave goodbye; it felt heavy. "Up," I said in my head, trying to command my now defiant hand. |
And muttered a salute "Ah Dalibhunga" - the name he was given as chief. | And muttered a salute "Ah Dalibhunga" - the name he was given as chief. |
It is a sign of deep respect in the Xhosa culture, which Mandela and I share. | It is a sign of deep respect in the Xhosa culture, which Mandela and I share. |
My "Mandela moment" was no longer than two minutes but for me felt like an eternity. | My "Mandela moment" was no longer than two minutes but for me felt like an eternity. |
As I shuffled out of the arch, police standing on either side, I felt my shoulders shaking and tears burning behind my eyes. | |
And that's when it happened - that is when it felt real. | And that's when it happened - that is when it felt real. |
Madiba was gone. | Madiba was gone. |
There was none of the singing we had seen in the past few days, just people crying and holding each other - many of them strangers. | There was none of the singing we had seen in the past few days, just people crying and holding each other - many of them strangers. |
I don't know where she came from, the woman who offered me a tissue and held me. | I don't know where she came from, the woman who offered me a tissue and held me. |
She was a soldier - that was the first time I'd ever been held by a soldier. | She was a soldier - that was the first time I'd ever been held by a soldier. |
I had to sit down for a bit at the bottom of the stairs and just watch the people walking past, studying their faces. | I had to sit down for a bit at the bottom of the stairs and just watch the people walking past, studying their faces. |
But most importantly, I had to have a good cry. | But most importantly, I had to have a good cry. |
I don't remember the last time my heart ached this much - perhaps at my granny's funeral. I'm not sure. | I don't remember the last time my heart ached this much - perhaps at my granny's funeral. I'm not sure. |
I've written countless articles about Mandela and used the phrase "Father of the nation" quite liberally. | I've written countless articles about Mandela and used the phrase "Father of the nation" quite liberally. |
But today - today I understood what that truly felt like and it filled my heart with overwhelming grief. | But today - today I understood what that truly felt like and it filled my heart with overwhelming grief. |
Still here | Still here |
Sitting down at the bottom of those large brown stairs looking at the Union Buildings, the South African flag flying at half-mast, I began processing. | Sitting down at the bottom of those large brown stairs looking at the Union Buildings, the South African flag flying at half-mast, I began processing. |
I saw him, I saw my Mandela. The man who had made it possible for a girl like me to be where I am. I saw him and all I could do was cry. | I saw him, I saw my Mandela. The man who had made it possible for a girl like me to be where I am. I saw him and all I could do was cry. |
There he was, the man who made me believe that nothing was out of reach - that people of my skin colour were not inferior, regardless of what some in the country believed. | There he was, the man who made me believe that nothing was out of reach - that people of my skin colour were not inferior, regardless of what some in the country believed. |
Dressed in a yellow African print shirt, his coffin lined with white flowers, he lay there in mortality but still a giant. | Dressed in a yellow African print shirt, his coffin lined with white flowers, he lay there in mortality but still a giant. |
He didn't look like a man who had battled terrible sickness and that was important for me. | He didn't look like a man who had battled terrible sickness and that was important for me. |
No-one wants to remember a loved one looking frail. | No-one wants to remember a loved one looking frail. |
I watched families and strangers embrace, I now in the arms of Helene, a white colleague who I had only met yesterday, both of us feeling utterly broken. | I watched families and strangers embrace, I now in the arms of Helene, a white colleague who I had only met yesterday, both of us feeling utterly broken. |
It hit me - this is what he and many others who had passed before him had spent so many years in prison for. | It hit me - this is what he and many others who had passed before him had spent so many years in prison for. |
It was so a black girl from an unknown village could cry in the arms of a white girl from a faraway land, knowing that we felt the same pain - that for me was profound. | It was so a black girl from an unknown village could cry in the arms of a white girl from a faraway land, knowing that we felt the same pain - that for me was profound. |
I stood up, took one more look at the arch and walked away, thinking: "Madiba, you are still here." | I stood up, took one more look at the arch and walked away, thinking: "Madiba, you are still here." |
Ah Dalibhunga! | Ah Dalibhunga! |
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