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How public acts of remembrance can help the bereaved How public acts of remembrance can help the bereaved
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Few will remain unmoved by the story of Lucy Worthington, who wrote an instruction manual for her husband on how to raise their daughters after she died from cancer. The guide, which incorporates advice on everything from puberty to head lice to funeral arrangements, is now being finished by her teenage daughter Emily following her death.Few will remain unmoved by the story of Lucy Worthington, who wrote an instruction manual for her husband on how to raise their daughters after she died from cancer. The guide, which incorporates advice on everything from puberty to head lice to funeral arrangements, is now being finished by her teenage daughter Emily following her death.
Some will be surprised by such pragmatism in the midst of personal tragedy. When my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I spent the two years she had left failing to anticipate a life without her. With the bittersweet taste of hindsight, there isn't much I wouldn't now trade for my own instruction manual. It would also have spared us a discussion on the best way to clean a toilet and my failed attempts to recreate mum's uniquely brilliant brand of turkey pie. It would include, of course, much more substantial chapters on leaving home, finding a job and choosing a life partner. Some will be surprised by such pragmatism in the midst of personal tragedy. When my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I spent the two years she had left failing to anticipate a life without her. With the bittersweet taste of hindsight, there isn't much I wouldn't now trade for my own instruction manual. It would have spared us a discussion on the best way to clean a toilet and my failed attempts to recreate mum's uniquely brilliant brand of turkey pie. It would include, of course, much more substantial chapters on leaving home, finding a job and choosing a life partner.
To be fair to my mum, she certainly tried to overcome my reluctance to engage. She dished out old photographs, wrote down the songs to be played at her funeral and carefully chose which of her rings she wanted me and my sisters to have. At the time, I was affronted by the reality that such conversations represented.To be fair to my mum, she certainly tried to overcome my reluctance to engage. She dished out old photographs, wrote down the songs to be played at her funeral and carefully chose which of her rings she wanted me and my sisters to have. At the time, I was affronted by the reality that such conversations represented.
Public expressions of grief do not sit well with the British occupation with minding our own business. Many will read the story of the Worthington family and wonder at their decision to take it to the national media. The same people would surely grimace at those who share their grief on social media, such as my friend who last night posted a picture on Facebook of a man on a train laughing into the camera, with a caption beneath that read: "This is my dad. He died this morning." But the rising trend in digital grief can hardly be denied when you consider that the top trending UK news on Twitter this year was the death of the author Iain Banks.Public expressions of grief do not sit well with the British occupation with minding our own business. Many will read the story of the Worthington family and wonder at their decision to take it to the national media. The same people would surely grimace at those who share their grief on social media, such as my friend who last night posted a picture on Facebook of a man on a train laughing into the camera, with a caption beneath that read: "This is my dad. He died this morning." But the rising trend in digital grief can hardly be denied when you consider that the top trending UK news on Twitter this year was the death of the author Iain Banks.
The manual written by the Worthington family is more than a practical toolkit; it provides a space within which the family can speak about the woman they have lost. Throughout her illness, friends would constantly ask me about my mum. As soon as she died, they stopped. The woman who was the bedrock in my life quickly became a conversation topic carefully avoided at dinner tables by those keen not to upset. I'm sad to say I've since become cautious about bringing her up for fear of shutting down a spirited conversation.The manual written by the Worthington family is more than a practical toolkit; it provides a space within which the family can speak about the woman they have lost. Throughout her illness, friends would constantly ask me about my mum. As soon as she died, they stopped. The woman who was the bedrock in my life quickly became a conversation topic carefully avoided at dinner tables by those keen not to upset. I'm sad to say I've since become cautious about bringing her up for fear of shutting down a spirited conversation.
I don't like going to cemeteries – I don't need reminding that my mum died. I need reminding that she lived and that she was a brilliant individual. I want to remember, on a day that isn't an arbitrary 365 days since her death, the Saturday nights the two of us spent on the sofa with fish and chips and Cilla Black. I want an excuse to recall my horror when she turned up at the bus stop with a camera on my first day at secondary school. I want a reason to pull out the picture of the birthday cake she made that was so big she had to dismantle my sister's bookshelves to put it on.I don't like going to cemeteries – I don't need reminding that my mum died. I need reminding that she lived and that she was a brilliant individual. I want to remember, on a day that isn't an arbitrary 365 days since her death, the Saturday nights the two of us spent on the sofa with fish and chips and Cilla Black. I want an excuse to recall my horror when she turned up at the bus stop with a camera on my first day at secondary school. I want a reason to pull out the picture of the birthday cake she made that was so big she had to dismantle my sister's bookshelves to put it on.
Grief does funny things to the mind. For a long time, it emptied mine of memories of my mum before she became ill. I still struggle to recover them now. On Tuesday it will be my mum's birthday. Last year, I left a plant on the steps of St Paul's cathedral with a card I left unsealed. I think I did so for the same reason that I took to baking her malt loaf recipe at an unhealthy frequency since she died. It's for the same reason that I wrote this article and the Worthington family have shared their story with the press. It's more than an act of remembrance – it's an invitation to ask.Grief does funny things to the mind. For a long time, it emptied mine of memories of my mum before she became ill. I still struggle to recover them now. On Tuesday it will be my mum's birthday. Last year, I left a plant on the steps of St Paul's cathedral with a card I left unsealed. I think I did so for the same reason that I took to baking her malt loaf recipe at an unhealthy frequency since she died. It's for the same reason that I wrote this article and the Worthington family have shared their story with the press. It's more than an act of remembrance – it's an invitation to ask.
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