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The dark side of Father Christmas: SantaCon The dark side of Father Christmas: SantaCon
(about 3 hours later)
Imagine entering your workplace to find a sea of grown men in red velour. Someone is throwing coconut shavings in the air to "make it snow", and someone else is playing a vuvuzela. The aromas of beer, sweat, and suspended adolescence hang thick in the air.Imagine entering your workplace to find a sea of grown men in red velour. Someone is throwing coconut shavings in the air to "make it snow", and someone else is playing a vuvuzela. The aromas of beer, sweat, and suspended adolescence hang thick in the air.
This was the scene my first year working SantaCon as a bartender in New York City. My second year, we had to remove one of Santa's elves for throwing a stool at her boyfriend (let's call him Rudolph the Drunken Trust Fund Reindeer). We won't even talk about my third year.This was the scene my first year working SantaCon as a bartender in New York City. My second year, we had to remove one of Santa's elves for throwing a stool at her boyfriend (let's call him Rudolph the Drunken Trust Fund Reindeer). We won't even talk about my third year.
SantaCon, for the blissfully uninitiated, is a bar crawl that takes place each December – an annual New York staple that's caught on globally too. Participants dress up as Santa (or a slutty elf, or an anthropomorphic reindeer, or really any Christmas-themed nonsense) and attempt to annoy as many people in as many bars as possible before succumbing to alcohol poisoning.SantaCon, for the blissfully uninitiated, is a bar crawl that takes place each December – an annual New York staple that's caught on globally too. Participants dress up as Santa (or a slutty elf, or an anthropomorphic reindeer, or really any Christmas-themed nonsense) and attempt to annoy as many people in as many bars as possible before succumbing to alcohol poisoning.
The debauchery begins at 10am and continues until the last merry miscreant pees himself in the cab home. While I've been unable to confirm it with any participants, there do seem to be extra points given for urinating in non-traditional locations. I've been told that there is an aspect of charity to the event, but, as a bartender, I've also been told that gin doesn't damage fetal health, "because juniper is organic". SantaCon will be held this Saturday in NYC and is the culmination of everything that is wrong with America.The debauchery begins at 10am and continues until the last merry miscreant pees himself in the cab home. While I've been unable to confirm it with any participants, there do seem to be extra points given for urinating in non-traditional locations. I've been told that there is an aspect of charity to the event, but, as a bartender, I've also been told that gin doesn't damage fetal health, "because juniper is organic". SantaCon will be held this Saturday in NYC and is the culmination of everything that is wrong with America.
"But wait! What's so terrible about a harmless costumed bar crawl?""But wait! What's so terrible about a harmless costumed bar crawl?"
Everything.Everything.
"Surely it's just a bit of holiday fun?""Surely it's just a bit of holiday fun?"
No.No.
"But it's for charity!""But it's for charity!"
Go back to Jersey.Go back to Jersey.
It's difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't had a slutty elf with "23 BIRTHDAY" written on her forehead in Sharpie ask for a "low cal holiday shot", but something about the anonymity of the costume combined with intoxication causes bar patrons to behave in ways they would never ordinarily consider acceptable. Poor tipping, vomiting, fake IDs, walkouts, idiotic drink orders, declined credit cards, and general douchebaggery all come with the territory for a bartender – but during SantaCon, these behaviors are the norm rather than the exception.It's difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't had a slutty elf with "23 BIRTHDAY" written on her forehead in Sharpie ask for a "low cal holiday shot", but something about the anonymity of the costume combined with intoxication causes bar patrons to behave in ways they would never ordinarily consider acceptable. Poor tipping, vomiting, fake IDs, walkouts, idiotic drink orders, declined credit cards, and general douchebaggery all come with the territory for a bartender – but during SantaCon, these behaviors are the norm rather than the exception.
For me, the worst part is that the Santas seem to be completely aware of how horrible they are:For me, the worst part is that the Santas seem to be completely aware of how horrible they are:
So, like does this totally suck for you? This must totally suck for you. Do you have to be here all day? Anyway, lemme get seven car bombs, and keep a dollar for yourself, honey.So, like does this totally suck for you? This must totally suck for you. Do you have to be here all day? Anyway, lemme get seven car bombs, and keep a dollar for yourself, honey.
There's a definite attitude of privilege and excess surrounding SantaCon. They descend in groups of twenty or so – all demanding immediate service from the two bartenders on shift. They want shots, they want them RIGHT NOW, and they do not feel they're being served fast enough. Also, they would like their bartenders to stop making drinks and take pictures of them looking like idiots.There's a definite attitude of privilege and excess surrounding SantaCon. They descend in groups of twenty or so – all demanding immediate service from the two bartenders on shift. They want shots, they want them RIGHT NOW, and they do not feel they're being served fast enough. Also, they would like their bartenders to stop making drinks and take pictures of them looking like idiots.
Worse, they don't expect to pay for the privilege. antas will run up tabs higher than my take-home for the shift and leave without signing their credit card slips, leaving me without a tip. Some groups just crowd the bar, order rounds of water, and leave to head to the next bar without tipping. I've had SantaCon participants apologize for being jerks in one breath and then tell me my tits look great and ask if I'd like to go out with them in the next. Worse, they don't expect to pay for the privilege. Santas will run up tabs higher than my take-home for the shift and leave without signing their credit card slips, leaving me without a tip. Some groups just crowd the bar, order rounds of water, and leave to head to the next bar without tipping. I've had SantaCon participants apologize for being jerks in one breath and then tell me my tits look great and ask if I'd like to go out with them in the next.
That sound? Oh, it's just my vagina snapping shut like a bear trap. There is nothing less attractive than a smarmy asshole who thinks that more than a drink is available from his lady bartender, except of course that same guy in a velour Santa suit.That sound? Oh, it's just my vagina snapping shut like a bear trap. There is nothing less attractive than a smarmy asshole who thinks that more than a drink is available from his lady bartender, except of course that same guy in a velour Santa suit.
So why not put a stop to the whole affair? These idiots think they have the right to behave like complete assholes, and unfortunately, they do. It's definitely not illegal to be a douchebag. Most bars would go under if the activities of the douchebag community could be legally curtailed. Plenty of drunken Santas have been arrested in years past, but they can't be arrested on attempted drunk and disorderly charges. We have to wait until they actually are drunk and disorderly, and by then the damage is done.So why not put a stop to the whole affair? These idiots think they have the right to behave like complete assholes, and unfortunately, they do. It's definitely not illegal to be a douchebag. Most bars would go under if the activities of the douchebag community could be legally curtailed. Plenty of drunken Santas have been arrested in years past, but they can't be arrested on attempted drunk and disorderly charges. We have to wait until they actually are drunk and disorderly, and by then the damage is done.
Dressing up and getting drunk is completely legal, and while some establishments will be closing their doors to costumed drinkers, not all bars can afford to turn down business, even if we desperately want to.Dressing up and getting drunk is completely legal, and while some establishments will be closing their doors to costumed drinkers, not all bars can afford to turn down business, even if we desperately want to.
So if you're in New York City and want to avoid the inevitable boozy catastrophe of SantaCon, don't go south of 50th street in Manhattan this Saturday. And no matter where you are, if you see a Santa behaving badly, try calling his mother. If she knew about this, she would be livid. There's not much else you can do, because being an asshole is Santa's God-given legal right in 'Murica.So if you're in New York City and want to avoid the inevitable boozy catastrophe of SantaCon, don't go south of 50th street in Manhattan this Saturday. And no matter where you are, if you see a Santa behaving badly, try calling his mother. If she knew about this, she would be livid. There's not much else you can do, because being an asshole is Santa's God-given legal right in 'Murica.
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