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Christmas jumpers – a festive stitch-up Christmas jumpers – a festive stitch-up
(about 1 hour later)
Picture the traditional Christmas scene: tree twinkling in the corner, gifts stacked beneath it, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and carol singers at the door. And everyone in the vicinity is wearing some lurid knitwear, on the front of which sits a gurning sateen snowman … Hang on. Picture the traditional Christmas scene: tree twinkling in the corner, gifts stacked beneath, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and carol singers at the door. And everyone in the vicinity is wearing some lurid knitwear, on the front of which sits a gurning sateen snowman … Hang on.
You'd have to be Scrooge to have avoided the Christmas jumper this year. The shops that sold out of them in 2012 have doubly redoubled their orders in 2013. "The trend will definitely be bigger this year than last," Asos chief executive Nick Robertson told the Guardian in November, "and we are backing it."You'd have to be Scrooge to have avoided the Christmas jumper this year. The shops that sold out of them in 2012 have doubly redoubled their orders in 2013. "The trend will definitely be bigger this year than last," Asos chief executive Nick Robertson told the Guardian in November, "and we are backing it."
You bet he is. This woolly cash cow has become a time-marker, a signifier, a momentous purled advent calendar window, suddenly every bit as valid and culturally relevant as buying a tree or breaking up from school. Well, there had to be something to topple the onesie.You bet he is. This woolly cash cow has become a time-marker, a signifier, a momentous purled advent calendar window, suddenly every bit as valid and culturally relevant as buying a tree or breaking up from school. Well, there had to be something to topple the onesie.
"Ooh it's time to get out the Christmas jumper," you may have thought recently, perhaps only seconds before having your first Baileys of the season. But let's be honest, you probably didn't."Ooh it's time to get out the Christmas jumper," you may have thought recently, perhaps only seconds before having your first Baileys of the season. But let's be honest, you probably didn't.
Instead, like the red cups at Starbucks or the hideously prolonged CGI Coke advert cute-fests, the Christmas jumper is just the latest incarnation of cynical yuletide marketeering. And, in the same way, they reinvent the collective memory of the era BC (before Christmas jumpers) like some kind of chunky-knit Blade Runner. We treat them like they have always been around, like the Christingle and the manger. You begin to remember wearing Christmas jumpers in the olden days, when Nana was still with us. Even though you probably didn't.Instead, like the red cups at Starbucks or the hideously prolonged CGI Coke advert cute-fests, the Christmas jumper is just the latest incarnation of cynical yuletide marketeering. And, in the same way, they reinvent the collective memory of the era BC (before Christmas jumpers) like some kind of chunky-knit Blade Runner. We treat them like they have always been around, like the Christingle and the manger. You begin to remember wearing Christmas jumpers in the olden days, when Nana was still with us. Even though you probably didn't.
They in fact sprang, not quite fully-formed, from the likes of Bing Crosby and Val Doonican, who in fact were just wearing jumpers to keep themselves warm. But the seeds were being sown for an embarrassing sort of "Dad knit" that could be wheeled out just ahead of the hostess trolley and turkey crown. They in fact sprang, not quite fully-formed, from the likes of Bing Crosby and Val Doonican, who were really just wearing jumpers to keep themselves warm. But the seeds were being sown for an embarrassing sort of "Dad knit" that could be wheeled out just ahead of the hostess trolley and turkey crown.
They entered our consciousness via naff American films, the ones where a normal-ish young couple spend time at their in-laws' improbably large house. Then one cropped up in Bridget Jones too, when Mark Darcy wears his to Geoffrey and Una's turkey curry buffet. Then suddenly they were in every shop and on the backs of all of your colleagues. They entered our consciousness via naff American films, the ones where a normal-ish young couple spend time at their in-laws' improbably large house. Then one cropped up in Bridget Jones too, when Mark Darcy wears his to Geoffrey and Una's turkey curry buffet. Then suddenly they were in every shop and on the backs of all your colleagues.
But if Bridge met Mark in his jumper now, she probably wouldn't even notice it. Our city streets are full of lads from office parties wiping traces of sick from the gaudy Santa's sleigh on their front. You can't walk past Pizza Express this time of year without getting an eyeful of lurex.But if Bridge met Mark in his jumper now, she probably wouldn't even notice it. Our city streets are full of lads from office parties wiping traces of sick from the gaudy Santa's sleigh on their front. You can't walk past Pizza Express this time of year without getting an eyeful of lurex.
The retail industry loves a seasonal hook, so we shouldn't be too surprised – or too sceptical. The Christmas jumper is just a bit of fun, after all. But what's odd is how smoothly it has gone from staple of fiction to seasonal must-have.The retail industry loves a seasonal hook, so we shouldn't be too surprised – or too sceptical. The Christmas jumper is just a bit of fun, after all. But what's odd is how smoothly it has gone from staple of fiction to seasonal must-have.
Christmas has endured cultural and commercial hijacking ever since St Boniface decided everyone needed a conifer in their cottage. And so few of us think of Jesus on the day itself, it's hard to argue for any sort of festive purism anymore. But while the commodification of Christmas is nothing new, are we really so lacking in cultural identity or so desperate for yet another seasonal signpost that we cling to something we wouldn't be seen dead in the rest of the year?Christmas has endured cultural and commercial hijacking ever since St Boniface decided everyone needed a conifer in their cottage. And so few of us think of Jesus on the day itself, it's hard to argue for any sort of festive purism anymore. But while the commodification of Christmas is nothing new, are we really so lacking in cultural identity or so desperate for yet another seasonal signpost that we cling to something we wouldn't be seen dead in the rest of the year?
That, of course, is the point of a Christmas jumper. Its bad taste brightness and tacky textured triteness represents the pulling on of our festive persona – one which heeds not the beige conservatism of our everyday lives or the trendy toe-ing the line that we all do.That, of course, is the point of a Christmas jumper. Its bad taste brightness and tacky textured triteness represents the pulling on of our festive persona – one which heeds not the beige conservatism of our everyday lives or the trendy toe-ing the line that we all do.
And within that lies something even bleaker than Scrooge sitting alone with his ghosts. Wearing a Christmas jumper, far from marking your difference, far from saying "I'm crazy, me", means you're just another sap in a sweater. And within that lies something even bleaker than Scrooge sitting alone with his ghosts. Wearing a Christmas jumper, far from marking your difference, far from saying, "I'm crazy, me", means you're just another sap in a sweater.
But sit back, enjoy the eggnog. Somewhere, an ad exec is spray-painting a Christmas jumper on to every single figure in Botticelli's Adoration of the Magi. And come Christmas Day, you won't even notice the difference.But sit back, enjoy the eggnog. Somewhere, an ad exec is spray-painting a Christmas jumper on to every single figure in Botticelli's Adoration of the Magi. And come Christmas Day, you won't even notice the difference.
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