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Who better to convince Scots to reject independence than English celebrities? Who better to convince Scots to reject independence than English celebrities?
(about 4 hours later)
When The Only Way Is Essex star Mark Wright was paid £7,000 to flick the switch for cash-strapped Perth council's Christmas lights many felt that celebrity dominance had entered some newly awful dark age. But things have just taken a dramatic turn for the worse.When The Only Way Is Essex star Mark Wright was paid £7,000 to flick the switch for cash-strapped Perth council's Christmas lights many felt that celebrity dominance had entered some newly awful dark age. But things have just taken a dramatic turn for the worse.
As the Tory-funded and Labour-fronted campaign against Scottish independence begins to panic, David Cameron has suggested that a battle for hearts and minds is needed to persuade us recalcitrant Scots to stick with the Good Ship Britannia.As the Tory-funded and Labour-fronted campaign against Scottish independence begins to panic, David Cameron has suggested that a battle for hearts and minds is needed to persuade us recalcitrant Scots to stick with the Good Ship Britannia.
His outburst came after unfortunate reports that senior Tories believed Alistair Darling's leadership of the no campaign was "comatose" and "useless". So how to give Darling a shake? How to win us over? The answer, apparently, is comedian Eddie Izzard, along with a whole fleet of red-carpet English entertainers, who are to be driven north to bring shine and glee to the rather dreary Project Fear. It's a shrewd move. What could possibly go wrong?His outburst came after unfortunate reports that senior Tories believed Alistair Darling's leadership of the no campaign was "comatose" and "useless". So how to give Darling a shake? How to win us over? The answer, apparently, is comedian Eddie Izzard, along with a whole fleet of red-carpet English entertainers, who are to be driven north to bring shine and glee to the rather dreary Project Fear. It's a shrewd move. What could possibly go wrong?
The identities of the English celebrities "have yet to be revealed", the Herald teases – so fevered speculation has ensued. In an act of cross-border cultural solidarity, let us throw some names into the hat.The identities of the English celebrities "have yet to be revealed", the Herald teases – so fevered speculation has ensued. In an act of cross-border cultural solidarity, let us throw some names into the hat.
Besides Izzard, this gang needs a frontperson and who better than Katie Hopkins, who's outspoken and personable? David "cheap as chips" Dickinson could surely hold the economics brief – we know it's all about the economy so who better to plug the value of UK plc? And David Mitchell could explain to people why their culture is worthless.Besides Izzard, this gang needs a frontperson and who better than Katie Hopkins, who's outspoken and personable? David "cheap as chips" Dickinson could surely hold the economics brief – we know it's all about the economy so who better to plug the value of UK plc? And David Mitchell could explain to people why their culture is worthless.
Brian May could bring his axe to the party, with another moving rock reinterpretation of our humble anthem. And surely after their resurrection for Olympic gold the Spice Girls could come and tell us what we really, really want? For some eye-candy for the older ladies who better than the portly but twinkly-eyed Paul Hollywood? A Great Briton if ever there was one. After all who wants democracy when you could have the perfect rum baba?Brian May could bring his axe to the party, with another moving rock reinterpretation of our humble anthem. And surely after their resurrection for Olympic gold the Spice Girls could come and tell us what we really, really want? For some eye-candy for the older ladies who better than the portly but twinkly-eyed Paul Hollywood? A Great Briton if ever there was one. After all who wants democracy when you could have the perfect rum baba?
Remember, this isn't just another celebrity lark – it's not I'm a Celebrity or Celebrity Big Brother – the challenge is to save the freakin' union! So we need to have all the bases covered.Remember, this isn't just another celebrity lark – it's not I'm a Celebrity or Celebrity Big Brother – the challenge is to save the freakin' union! So we need to have all the bases covered.
We are Better Together, right? Therefore we need a happy couple to lead this red, white and blue band of brothers. A few years ago nobody could have seen past Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan. But these days nobody gives you the feeling that everything's all right in the world more than Kirstie Allsop and Phil Spencer. They are the perfect answer to all those nasty Nats – who wants to run your own country when you could be creating a distressed look with a table cluster or relocating to the Cotswolds?We are Better Together, right? Therefore we need a happy couple to lead this red, white and blue band of brothers. A few years ago nobody could have seen past Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan. But these days nobody gives you the feeling that everything's all right in the world more than Kirstie Allsop and Phil Spencer. They are the perfect answer to all those nasty Nats – who wants to run your own country when you could be creating a distressed look with a table cluster or relocating to the Cotswolds?
With Frankie Boyle, Biffy Clyro, Eddi Reader, Midge Ure, Hardeep Singh Kohli, Annie Lennox, Kevin Bridges, Mark Millar, Mogwai, Alan Cummings, Elaine C Smith, Brian Cox, Irvine Welsh and a raft of others backing independence, there seems to be celebrity Scots queuing round the block for the yes vote – and just Lorraine Kelly and Sharleen Spiteri for no. While the notion that such a decision should be influenced by celebrities is laughable, the idea that the no campaign could bypass Scottish C-list celebrities for English stand-ins is such a demeaning cultural cringe it is awe-inspiring. With Frankie Boyle, Biffy Clyro, Eddi Reader, Midge Ure, Hardeep Singh Kohli, Annie Lennox, Kevin Bridges, Mark Millar, Mogwai, Alan Cummings, Elaine C Smith, Brian Cox, Irvine Welsh and a raft of others backing independence, there seems to be celebrity Scots queuing round the block for the yes vote – and just Sharleen Spiteri for no. While the notion that such a decision should be influenced by celebrities is laughable, the idea that the no campaign could bypass Scottish C-list celebrities for English stand-ins is such a demeaning cultural cringe it is awe-inspiring.
• This article was amended on 7/1/2013 to remove a reference to Lorraine Kelly as being in the 'no' camp. She has not expressed an opinion either way
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