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Love machine: how Gen Yers used technology to tranform the dating game Love machine: how Gen Yers used technology to transform the dating game
(35 minutes later)
The year was 1982 and I was in the passenger seat of a car in Los Angeles. I was in the early, innocent throes of an infatuation soundtracked, at the time, by Phil Oakley asking a waitress in a cocktail bar if she "wanted" him. An infatuation that, naturally, died long before Erasure sang about "l'amour" and just as the first crop of Generation Y-ers were beginning school.The year was 1982 and I was in the passenger seat of a car in Los Angeles. I was in the early, innocent throes of an infatuation soundtracked, at the time, by Phil Oakley asking a waitress in a cocktail bar if she "wanted" him. An infatuation that, naturally, died long before Erasure sang about "l'amour" and just as the first crop of Generation Y-ers were beginning school.
So far, so pre-teen. But is a decade between me and the oldest of these kids enough time to experience love completely differently? There has been a lot of transformation over the past 10 years, let alone the past 30.So far, so pre-teen. But is a decade between me and the oldest of these kids enough time to experience love completely differently? There has been a lot of transformation over the past 10 years, let alone the past 30.
Generation Y is the first to have unprecedented access to information; they've had the world wide web. They've had windows (both proprietary and conceptual) to vast archives of sexual materials in their hands and in their pockets. And their potential relationships haven't been naturally bounded by the people in their immediate environments. The so-called threats to "family values" reiterate the ones from the swinging 60s, the roaring 20s and the entire era of Romantics – not the new ones, mind. So what is love like for these millennials? Have innovations in technology done what protest songs, love-ins and flapper dresses were unable to do? Or is the practice (and the process) of our rawest, most vulnerable human emotion the same as it's always been? Let's start with how it always begins: finding love.Generation Y is the first to have unprecedented access to information; they've had the world wide web. They've had windows (both proprietary and conceptual) to vast archives of sexual materials in their hands and in their pockets. And their potential relationships haven't been naturally bounded by the people in their immediate environments. The so-called threats to "family values" reiterate the ones from the swinging 60s, the roaring 20s and the entire era of Romantics – not the new ones, mind. So what is love like for these millennials? Have innovations in technology done what protest songs, love-ins and flapper dresses were unable to do? Or is the practice (and the process) of our rawest, most vulnerable human emotion the same as it's always been? Let's start with how it always begins: finding love.
The marriage marketThe marriage market
In 1965, a 25-year-old accountant invented the very first dating computer algorithm. Dubbed Tact, it hooked up couples based on their mutual interests and their outlooks on life. At the time, the tendency was for men to look for attractive women who were slightly less intelligent than they were, and for women to look for guys who had good job prospects and a sense of humour. Plus ça change.In 1965, a 25-year-old accountant invented the very first dating computer algorithm. Dubbed Tact, it hooked up couples based on their mutual interests and their outlooks on life. At the time, the tendency was for men to look for attractive women who were slightly less intelligent than they were, and for women to look for guys who had good job prospects and a sense of humour. Plus ça change.
The Tact toured the US for a while, but eventually was mothballed like an old lover's sweet nothings. The time for computerised matchmaking hadn't yet reached a critical mass. That arrived in the mid noughties, around the time Generation Y entered the dating game. Before then, the web had a reputation as a curiosity, a place where the freaks and the geeks hung out looking for one another in the only place they could be themselves. But kids had got used to the computer as a place to put themselves out there. My generation had broken the seal with our tortured outpourings on LiveJournal, making connections with other souls on the other side of the world and developing – to our own surprise and the surprise of the social scientists covertly observing us – emotional bonds with people whom we'd never met. This foundation laid firm, Generation Y continued the trend en masse on social networking sites.The Tact toured the US for a while, but eventually was mothballed like an old lover's sweet nothings. The time for computerised matchmaking hadn't yet reached a critical mass. That arrived in the mid noughties, around the time Generation Y entered the dating game. Before then, the web had a reputation as a curiosity, a place where the freaks and the geeks hung out looking for one another in the only place they could be themselves. But kids had got used to the computer as a place to put themselves out there. My generation had broken the seal with our tortured outpourings on LiveJournal, making connections with other souls on the other side of the world and developing – to our own surprise and the surprise of the social scientists covertly observing us – emotional bonds with people whom we'd never met. This foundation laid firm, Generation Y continued the trend en masse on social networking sites.
By the time match.com hit 42 million subscribers worldwide, just under 10 years after it was first launched, the kids were more than all right with meeting potential partners online. In 2013, 60% of Americans reported to the Pew Internet and American Life Project that they felt online dating was a good way to meet people – up 16% from the year of Match's launch – and 22% of 25- to 35-year-old Americans classified themselves as "online daters".By the time match.com hit 42 million subscribers worldwide, just under 10 years after it was first launched, the kids were more than all right with meeting potential partners online. In 2013, 60% of Americans reported to the Pew Internet and American Life Project that they felt online dating was a good way to meet people – up 16% from the year of Match's launch – and 22% of 25- to 35-year-old Americans classified themselves as "online daters".
And it was no longer something you turned to when you couldn't "do" relationships: Sam Yagan is the charismatic co-founder of OK Cupid, the US's largest online dating portal for 18- to 34-year-olds. He believes Generation Y use his service online to complement their relationships offline: "You may be a 23-year-old attractive woman who's getting lots of dates offline," he explains , "but why not make yourself available to many other people you might not meet in your day-to-day life?"And it was no longer something you turned to when you couldn't "do" relationships: Sam Yagan is the charismatic co-founder of OK Cupid, the US's largest online dating portal for 18- to 34-year-olds. He believes Generation Y use his service online to complement their relationships offline: "You may be a 23-year-old attractive woman who's getting lots of dates offline," he explains , "but why not make yourself available to many other people you might not meet in your day-to-day life?"
But what about who Generation Y might meet? Yagan believes that the connections you make online aren't constrained by physical space or by preconceptions about who you might think is a suitable Mr or Ms Right. An Oxford Internet Institute report released in 2010 confirms his suspicions: people who meet online have a greater age difference and come from a wider range of educational backgrounds than people who meet offline. And yet there is still sufficient evidence to suggest that Generation Y is as superficial as the rest of us always have been: the media-savvy are very good at knowing exactly how to advertise themselves for the greatest return – see Tinder, Instagram and Whatsapp for proof.But what about who Generation Y might meet? Yagan believes that the connections you make online aren't constrained by physical space or by preconceptions about who you might think is a suitable Mr or Ms Right. An Oxford Internet Institute report released in 2010 confirms his suspicions: people who meet online have a greater age difference and come from a wider range of educational backgrounds than people who meet offline. And yet there is still sufficient evidence to suggest that Generation Y is as superficial as the rest of us always have been: the media-savvy are very good at knowing exactly how to advertise themselves for the greatest return – see Tinder, Instagram and Whatsapp for proof.
Getting it onGetting it on
Sex activist Cindy Gallop has personal, consensual, on-the-bed experience with "normal" men across generations of the 25- to 30-year-old age groups. In her 50s and still going strong, Gallop believes that online porn has increased a certain self-awareness in the bedroom (looking to an invisible camera is one example she recalls). Normalising the more hardcore activities of pornography is a danger of the access, affordability and the anonymity of online sexual content, she says, but it's impossible to extract the internet's unique impact on the changing sexual mores when so many other media and corporate factors are at play. Recall that this is the generation of people that, in the US at least, were the first to have access to 250+ channels on their TVs.Sex activist Cindy Gallop has personal, consensual, on-the-bed experience with "normal" men across generations of the 25- to 30-year-old age groups. In her 50s and still going strong, Gallop believes that online porn has increased a certain self-awareness in the bedroom (looking to an invisible camera is one example she recalls). Normalising the more hardcore activities of pornography is a danger of the access, affordability and the anonymity of online sexual content, she says, but it's impossible to extract the internet's unique impact on the changing sexual mores when so many other media and corporate factors are at play. Recall that this is the generation of people that, in the US at least, were the first to have access to 250+ channels on their TVs.
Gallop and her fellow missionaries including writer and broadcaster Dan Savage are on target to re-educate, re-enlighten and re-entertain Generation Y and younger, using the exact same media tools that their target demographic is saturated in. This group preach self-actualisation, responsiveness and responsibility to oneself and to one's partner(s). They point out – in a good way – that the web is now teeming with new types of sexual content, homemade and professional, that reflects a much broader church than the heterosexual, male-oriented points of view primarily represented in old media, and that this can be OK if that's your kink. The language and concepts seem to be getting through. This can be surprising to the relatively prudish mainstream of previous generations. But, argues sex educator Dr Petra Boynton, they're able to be more explicit about what they do and don't want.Gallop and her fellow missionaries including writer and broadcaster Dan Savage are on target to re-educate, re-enlighten and re-entertain Generation Y and younger, using the exact same media tools that their target demographic is saturated in. This group preach self-actualisation, responsiveness and responsibility to oneself and to one's partner(s). They point out – in a good way – that the web is now teeming with new types of sexual content, homemade and professional, that reflects a much broader church than the heterosexual, male-oriented points of view primarily represented in old media, and that this can be OK if that's your kink. The language and concepts seem to be getting through. This can be surprising to the relatively prudish mainstream of previous generations. But, argues sex educator Dr Petra Boynton, they're able to be more explicit about what they do and don't want.
Let's stay togetherLet's stay together
Modern love places more value on how an individual can flourish in relationships, according to a 2013 study in the Journal of Communication, and thus Generation Y have a different romantic dynamic than their parents. One of the most obvious symptoms of this trend is how they cope with long-distance love.Modern love places more value on how an individual can flourish in relationships, according to a 2013 study in the Journal of Communication, and thus Generation Y have a different romantic dynamic than their parents. One of the most obvious symptoms of this trend is how they cope with long-distance love.
Urbanisation continues apace in the UK and across Europe, and international migration has been on the up since 1977, according to a UN study from 2006. But movement doesn't mean childhood sweethearts are given the heave-ho as the young and upwardly mobile make their ways to cosmopolitan city centres or exotic destinations. Rather, once established, relationships can be helped by technology – texting, video calling, and so on.Urbanisation continues apace in the UK and across Europe, and international migration has been on the up since 1977, according to a UN study from 2006. But movement doesn't mean childhood sweethearts are given the heave-ho as the young and upwardly mobile make their ways to cosmopolitan city centres or exotic destinations. Rather, once established, relationships can be helped by technology – texting, video calling, and so on.
These technological solutions may seem cold to couples who see each other day-to-day, but for long-distancers they're the lifeline to everyday intimacy. Leaving Skype on when you're doing the dishes. Seeing the light turn off on your side of the Good Night Lamp, knowing your partner has switched his off at his end. Feeling her heartbeat through the remote monitor in Pillowtalk. Even a gentle vibration mimicking a touch on your face through your smartphone. These are some of the clever adaptations Generation Yers have developed to cope with distance. There's another much more transparent trend in Generation Y love, and that's a new kind of PDA facilitated by social networks like Facebook. Everyone now knows when a relationship starts and ends. People post their marriage proposals on YouTube. There's a level of outward-facing hysteria, a kind of one-upmanship in these performances of love. The former Archbishop of Canterbury recently weighed in, cautioning young lovers that the bigger and the flashier the event, the more difficult the couple will find the realities of hard relationship work; he was speaking out against the impressive rise in divorce rates.These technological solutions may seem cold to couples who see each other day-to-day, but for long-distancers they're the lifeline to everyday intimacy. Leaving Skype on when you're doing the dishes. Seeing the light turn off on your side of the Good Night Lamp, knowing your partner has switched his off at his end. Feeling her heartbeat through the remote monitor in Pillowtalk. Even a gentle vibration mimicking a touch on your face through your smartphone. These are some of the clever adaptations Generation Yers have developed to cope with distance. There's another much more transparent trend in Generation Y love, and that's a new kind of PDA facilitated by social networks like Facebook. Everyone now knows when a relationship starts and ends. People post their marriage proposals on YouTube. There's a level of outward-facing hysteria, a kind of one-upmanship in these performances of love. The former Archbishop of Canterbury recently weighed in, cautioning young lovers that the bigger and the flashier the event, the more difficult the couple will find the realities of hard relationship work; he was speaking out against the impressive rise in divorce rates.
The potential to bump into a former lover or the temptation to virtually stalk him or her can make Generation Y's global village feel like a too-close community. Whereas in the past, a divorcee could leave town and start fresh, nowadays that would require deleting at least one account, and thus be the equivalent of divorcing your entire network. Their lives – and their lovers – will always an uncomfortable one or two degrees away.The potential to bump into a former lover or the temptation to virtually stalk him or her can make Generation Y's global village feel like a too-close community. Whereas in the past, a divorcee could leave town and start fresh, nowadays that would require deleting at least one account, and thus be the equivalent of divorcing your entire network. Their lives – and their lovers – will always an uncomfortable one or two degrees away.
I believe in a thing called loveI believe in a thing called love
It may seem that Generation Y's experience of love is totally different, but in fact, the nature of the beast is still exactly the same. It's just rendered differently: it's realised in full view. What makes it seem uncomfortable is that, for the first time, we can see what's going on and become voyeurs to these public relationships, played out like romcoms. The love pre-Gen Y experienced was invisible. But this is the stuff social scientists have been describing for more than a century: the actual psychological motivations for being in love are exactly the same. We look for a partner to help us get through life's ups and downs. It may look more public, more distant, and slightly more frantic, but at its core love is love. It's simply adapted to the modern world.It may seem that Generation Y's experience of love is totally different, but in fact, the nature of the beast is still exactly the same. It's just rendered differently: it's realised in full view. What makes it seem uncomfortable is that, for the first time, we can see what's going on and become voyeurs to these public relationships, played out like romcoms. The love pre-Gen Y experienced was invisible. But this is the stuff social scientists have been describing for more than a century: the actual psychological motivations for being in love are exactly the same. We look for a partner to help us get through life's ups and downs. It may look more public, more distant, and slightly more frantic, but at its core love is love. It's simply adapted to the modern world.