The rules of condescension

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/mar/22/the-rules-of-condescension-etiquette-guide

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There is an art to being nice in a way that leaves someone feeling insulted. This is condescension. It is the verbal equivalent of giving dieting books for Christmas.

The first step is to find a person over whom you can presume superiority – moral, intellectual, financial – and then say something that sounds superficially generous but is really just sympathy for their burden of inadequacy. A large portion of the condescending message is contained in manner and expression rather than words. The face should display a sneer of disdain locked in a mask of indulgence, as if suspecting that someone has trodden in something foul but not wishing to attract attention to it by asking. This arrangement of features is known as the Osborne.

In politics, the surest way to condescend is to send the signal that you do not really imagine yourself having anything in common with the people you are elected to serve. This can be achieved by the deft use of third person pronouns, as with the Conservative slogan claiming that tax relief on bingo and beer helps "hardworking people do more of the things they enjoy" – the implication naturally being that we have rather more refined pursuits.

Inter-generational condescension

On reaching any birthday that is a multiple of 10, it is appropriate to be condescending towards anyone younger.

Thus 20-year-olds are allowed to dispense patronising advice to teenagers and 40-year-olds are expected to dismiss as juvenile the preoccupations of thirtysomethings. One effective device for condescension across generations is fake envy. This is the way the old belittle the miseries of the young by pretending to be nostalgic for the days when such vacuous woes seemed significant. As in: "You are feeling rough from staying up all night drinking? Oh, I wish I was hungover, but I just can't get away with that sort of thing at my age."

This method also works in the popular school of condescension practised by people in relationships on people who are single. As in: "It must be so nice to have your own space/time/freedom!" And, of course, the next stage of condescension, which is that inflicted by parents on people without children. "You went out to dinner? What a treat! That's the benefit of not having kids, you know. I haven't been out since 2003."

Young people can be condescending to older people as long as popular culture, slang and technology are involved. Children should correct their parents' clumsy and outdated use of what they imagine to be contemporary demotic idiom – "sick" to mean "good"; "chill" to mean "relax" – with wearied contempt. When a parent seeks instruction from offspring in relation to anything computer related, the correct response is to take control of the keyboard and, without offering any explanation, deal with the issue quickly and inarticulately. This allows the young person to retain the monopoly on understanding that permits future condescension. Sardonic rolling of eyes is recommended throughout.

Inter-gender condescension

A very popular form of condescension is "mansplaining" – the laboured exposition of a subject by some men when speaking to women, as if proper understanding of the complexity of an issue can only be achieved by filtration through the unique cognitive properties bestowed by the Y chromosome. Regular displays of this technique can be found in the prime minister's response to questions posed by female Labour MPs in the House of Commons.

Useful condescending phrases

"I used to think that…" To be used in an argument to suggest that your antagonist is just clever enough to have reached a conclusion that cleverer people have long since rejected.

"With all due respect…" The most respectful way to bestow no respect at all.

"Can I suggest…" Because obviously you're too thick to have thought of it yourself.

"Let's agree to disagree." Because that's as close as a fool like you is going to get to recognising how right I am.

Rafael Behr