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Tony Abbott gives Australia a knight to remember Tony Abbott gives Australia a knight to remember
(1 day later)
KnighthoodsKnighthoods
and, er, damehoods are back. Prime minister Tony Abbott announced the and, er, damehoods are back. Prime minister Tony Abbott announced the
move on Tuesday afternoon and immediately conferred the honour on move on Tuesday afternoon and immediately conferred the honour on the governor general, Quentin Bryce, and her successor, Peter Cosgrove.
Governor General Quentin Bryce and her successor Peter Cosgrove.
InIn
their rush to employ the seldom-used “governors general” plural, their rush to employ the seldom-used “governors general” plural,
reporters initially thought Mr Abbott had made another sexist gaffe and reporters initially thought Abbott had made another sexist gaffe and
was referring to Lady Bryce as “a classy dame”, but it soon became was referring to Bryce as “a classy dame”, but it soon became
apparent he was updating the honours system.apparent he was updating the honours system.
The prime minister said he did not believe the current honours were enough to acknowledge truly exceptional achievements.The prime minister said he did not believe the current honours were enough to acknowledge truly exceptional achievements.
"That"That
is for eminent achievement. This is for pre-eminent achievement," said Mr Abbott, grinning widely at his successful use of a prefix. is for eminent achievement. This is for pre-eminent achievement," said Abbott, grinning widely at his successful use of a prefix.
The prime minister did not comment on whether he would use “the big sword” when awarding future knighthoods.The prime minister did not comment on whether he would use “the big sword” when awarding future knighthoods.
“It’s“It’s
good to see the government has a plan for knights and dames – where’s good to see the government has a plan for knights and dames – where’s
their plan for jobs?” said opposition leader Bill Shorten, before their plan for jobs?” said opposition leader Bill Shorten, before
yelling “zing” and insisting that deputy opposition leader Tanya yelling “zing” and insisting that deputy opposition leader Tanya
Plibersek to “give him some skin”.Plibersek to “give him some skin”.
Obviously this is satire, though: Bill Shorten doesn’t have that much personality. Obviously this is satire, though: Shorten doesn’t have that much personality.
SoSo
let’s just cut to the chase here, wimps. No one wants to be a Companion let’s just cut to the chase here, wimps. No one wants to be a Companion
of the Order of Australia when they could be a knight. This is Abbott’s of the Order of Australia when they could be a knight. This is Abbott’s
new, more masculine Australia and “companion” just sounds girly. Being a new, more masculine Australia and “companion” just sounds girly. Being a
knight, on the other hand, is old school. I’m pretty sure you get a knight, on the other hand, is old school. I’m pretty sure you get a
suit of armour.*suit of armour.*
Like smoking cigarettes or riding a motorcycle, being a knight is cool, even if it is dumb.Like smoking cigarettes or riding a motorcycle, being a knight is cool, even if it is dumb.
Abbott said that up to four of the honours would be granted each year, Abbott said that up to four of the honours would be granted each year,
which unfortunately means no one will be eligible until 2018, when the which unfortunately means no one will be eligible until 2018, when the
government finishes knighting every member of Australia’s 2012/13 government finishes knighting every member of Australia’s 2012/13
Ashes-winning cricket team.Ashes-winning cricket team.
The PM said the new honour would be for those who have “accepted public office rather than sought it and who can never by virtue of that office ever entirely return to private life."The PM said the new honour would be for those who have “accepted public office rather than sought it and who can never by virtue of that office ever entirely return to private life."
That,That,
then, should rule out Abbott’s mentor and former prime minister John then, should rule out Abbott’s mentor and former prime minister John
Howard who sought public office a cool 14 times. It wouldn’t be like Howard who sought public office a cool 14 times. It wouldn’t be like
Abbott to say one thing (for example, that he wouldn’t bring back knighthoods) and then do the complete opposite three months later.Abbott to say one thing (for example, that he wouldn’t bring back knighthoods) and then do the complete opposite three months later.
SoSo
as Dame Quentin and the soon to be Sir Peter amble off, who is in for a as Dame Quentin and the soon to be Sir Peter amble off, who is in for a
gong at our next round of knighthoods? With the power to award the gong at our next round of knighthoods? With the power to award the
honour resting solely in the hands of the PM, horrifying thoughts of Sir honour resting solely in the hands of the PM, horrifying thoughts of Sir Piers Akerman and Sir Andrew Bolt come to mind (you might laugh, but they already
Akerman and Sir Bolt come to mind (you might laugh, but they already
changed the racial vilification laws for one of them).changed the racial vilification laws for one of them).
ButBut
no, there is one candidate who stands head and shoulders above the no, there is one candidate who stands head and shoulders above the
rest. A man whose services to Australian sport are unequalled. A man rest. A man whose services to Australian sport are unequalled. A man
who, because of those services, has never been able to “return to who, because of those services, has never been able to “return to
private life”. A man who can no longer muse to his 1.5m Twitter private life”. A man who can no longer muse to his 1.5m Twitter
followers in private, nor post a shirtless selfie on Instagram without followers in private, nor post a shirtless selfie on Instagram without
it making the papers. A man who will unite Australia behind the new it making the papers. A man who will unite Australia behind the new
honours system.honours system.
Arise, Sir Warney.Arise, Sir Warney.
*Actually I'm 90% sure you don't.*Actually I'm 90% sure you don't.