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Nick Clegg v Nigel Farage (and other political courtship rituals) Nick Clegg v Nigel Farage (and other political courtship rituals)
(5 months later)
[Author’s note: this piece makes a lot more sense if you [Author’s note: this piece makes a lot more sense if you imagine David Attenborough reading it aloud]
imagine David Some people seem to be objecting to the BBC dedicating primetime coverage to the debates between Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage. But such cynical views should be ignored, and the BBC should be praised for showing us detailed footage of the behaviours of that enigmatic species, the politician.
Attenborough reading it aloud] Naturalists are scrambling to fill the gaps in our knowledge about politicians as, like the dingo, it was only recently they were recognised as a separate species, when their claims to be “all in this together” were determined to be very inaccurate. We may not know everything about the strange creature that is the politician, but from what we do know it’s amazing that they were ever believed to be just a type of human being.
Some people seem to be objecting to the BBC dedicating For one, the reproductive cycle of the politician is very unusual. While it’s not unheard of for politicians to produce other politicians in the “traditional” human way, the more common method is something else entirely. In order to reproduce, most politicians have to attract voters. Using a similar method to that employed by flowers which use bees or birds to achieve cross pollination, politicians use whatever means they can to attract as many voters as possible. During the reproductive cycle (which occurs every five years and is known as an election, which comes from the Latin term meaning “the act of choosing who is to kick you in the nethers”), the politicians who attract the most voters can bring about the ideal conditions that allow other politicians from their particular genus to be created.
primetime coverage to the debates between Nick This bizarre method of reproduction may also explain the unusual gender imbalance in politicians, most of whom are male.
Clegg and Nigel Farage. But such cynical views should be ignored, and the The technique of attracting voters is an effective but resource-intensive one; many politicians seem to do very little that isn’t some sort of attempt to please and attract voters. Even getting the attention of voters is a challenge these days, and many politicians have risked their standing to achieve this. The “publicity stunt” is the politician’s equivalent of the elaborate and demanding courtship rituals employed by many other species. Politicians also recognise that voters prefer people that are similar to them, which results in increasingly desperate attempts to relate to voters.
BBC should be praised for showing us detailed footage of the behaviours of that Other features that are used to attract voters include manifestos, election pledges, promises and policies, all designed to appeal to the voter like bright plumage or impressive antlers. However, as with many species, the politician's reproductive cycle is a brutal and intensive process, so following an election many of these features wither and die, so that the politicians own survival is more likely. Sometimes even seemingly vital physical elements like the spine or guts can atrophy extensively after elections.
enigmatic species, the politician. Politicians also exist in a strict hierarchical society, with dominant males enjoying the most votes and determining the behaviour of the others in their group. They seem to share the traits of orang-utans, in that dominant males have enlarged, wide cheek pads whereas submissive ones do not. Similarly, dominant politicians can often be identified by their wider, somewhat jowly faces, whereas lower status ones have a more pinched, narrow visage. Lower-status politicians can occasionally be seen to “challenge” the authority of the dominant males, but these occurrences are almost entirely ritualised and inconsequential, resulting in no actual change in behaviours.
Naturalists are scrambling to fill the gaps in our knowledge The Clegg V Farage debates are, therefore, an exciting opportunity to witness a rare and beautiful event, where politicians simultaneously try to challenge dominance and attract voters in a one-on-one contest. Clegg is nominal head of the genus of yellow politicians, who, like Neanderthals before them, are threatened with extinction following attempts to co-exist with their more aggressive, more numerous rivals. Farage is the alpha male of the purple genus, who are adept at using behavioural defences to make themselves appear more dangerous than they are, much like a cat puffing all its fur up or a butterfly with large “eyes” on its wings; there’s no real threat there, but people still believe it.
about politicians as, like The subtle nuances and behavioural mannerisms witnessed in the debate could shed a great deal of light on this poorly understood species. Some may argue that these debates are like chimps throwing faeces at each other, only a more restrained, metaphorical version. But even this can be seen as a sign of rudimentary intelligence.
the dingo, it was only recently they were recognised as a separate species, While this is all well and good, it is important to remember that many politicians eventually enter into symbiotic relationships with large predators, proving dangerous to voters. But the more we learn about this fascinating species, the more chance we have of understanding them, and as they say; knowledge is power.
when their claims to be “all in this together” were determined to be very
inaccurate. We may not know everything about the strange creature that is
the politician, but from what we do know it’s amazing that they were ever believed
to be just a type of human being.
For one, the reproductive cycle of the politician is very
unusual. While it’s not unheard of for politicians to produce other politicians
in the “traditional”
human way, the more common method is something else entirely. In order to
reproduce, most politicians have to attract voters. Using a similar method to
that employed by
flowers which use bees or birds to achieve cross pollination, politicians
use whatever means they can to attract as many voters as possible. During the
reproductive cycle (which occurs every five years and is known as an election,
which comes from the Latin term meaning “the act of choosing who is to kick you
in the nethers”), the politicians who attract the most voters can bring about
the ideal
conditions that allow other politicians from their particular genus to be
created.
This bizarre method of reproduction may also explain the
unusual gender imbalance in politicians, most of
whom are male.
The technique of attracting voters is an effective but resource-intensive
one; many politicians seem to do very little that isn’t some sort of attempt to
please and attract voters. Even getting the attention of voters is a challenge
these days, and many politicians have risked
their standing to achieve this. The “publicity stunt” is the politician’s
equivalent of the elaborate and demanding courtship
rituals employed by many other species. Politicians also recognise that
voters prefer people that are similar
to them, which results in increasingly
desperate attempts to relate
to voters.
Other features that are used to attract voters include manifestos,
election pledges, promises and policies, all designed to appeal to the voter
like bright
plumage or impressive antlers.
However, as with many species, the politician's reproductive
cycle is a brutal and intensive process, so following an election many of these features
wither and die, so that the politicians own survival is more likely. Sometimes
even seemingly vital physical elements like the spine or guts can atrophy
extensively after elections.
Politicians also exist in a strict hierarchical society,
with dominant males enjoying the most votes and determining the behaviour of
the others in their group. They seem to share the traits of orang-utans, in
that dominant males have enlarged,
wide cheek pads whereas submissive ones do not. Similarly, dominant
politicians can often be identified by their wider,
somewhat jowly
faces,
whereas lower status ones have a more pinched,
narrow
visage.
Lower-status politicians can occasionally be seen to “challenge” the authority
of the dominant males, but these occurrences are almost entirely ritualised and inconsequential,
resulting in no actual change in behaviours.
The Clegg V Farage debates are, therefore, an exciting
opportunity to witness a rare and beautiful event, where politicians
simultaneously try to challenge dominance and attract voters in a one-on-one
contest. Clegg is nominal head of the genus of yellow politicians, who, like Neanderthals
before them, are threatened
with extinction following attempts to co-exist
with their more aggressive, more numerous rivals. Farage is the alpha male
of the purple genus, who are adept at using behavioural defences to make
themselves appear
more dangerous than they are, much like a cat puffing all its fur up or a butterfly
with large “eyes” on its wings; there’s no real threat there, but
people still believe it.
The subtle nuances and behavioural mannerisms witnessed in
the debate could shed a great deal of light on this poorly understood species. Some
may argue that these debates are like chimps throwing faeces at each other, only a more restrained, metaphorical version. But even this can be seen as a
sign of rudimentary intelligence.
While this is all well and good, it is important to remember
that many politicians eventually enter into symbiotic relationships with large
predators, proving dangerous to voters. But the more we learn about this
fascinating species, the more chance we have of understanding them, and as they
say; knowledge is
power.
Also money. Money is power too. Probably more so.Also money. Money is power too. Probably more so.
Dean Burnett probably Dean Burnett probably can’t expect to enter a career in politics after this, but you can still follow him on Twitter: @garwboy
can’t expect to enter a career in politics after this, but you can still follow
him on Twitter: @garwboy