Will it be Bayern's Lahm or United's lambs to the slaughter?

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/apr/09/the-fiver-bayern-munich-manchester-united

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THE END OF THE WOED?

A day after the Special One made fools of us all again, it is time to see if the Chosen One can replicate the Chelsea manager's achievement by steering Manchester United past Bayern Munich and into the semi-finals of Big Cup. The Fiver is picturing it now: Moyesie sprinting down the touchline in a tracksuit at the precise minute Javier Hernández's toe-poke from four yards hits the net, extricating Wayne Rooney from the writhing mass of whooping humanity with a yank on the arm and screaming at him to man-mark Toni Kroos, then frantically directing Antonio Valencia's gaze to the sky above the Allianz Arena, where the light aircraft he hired earlier hoves into view trailing a banner that reads: "Antonio, sit deep and don't let Arjen Robben cut inside!"

Despite Manchester United only trailing on away goals, most right-thinking folk are giving them far less of a prayer than the one they didn't give Chelsea last night, what with Bayern being really, really good at football and that. But the Fiver has been doing its research and can confirm that the Bavarian side that wrapped up the Bundesliga title a couple of weeks ago are officially in crisis, having failed to win a single one of their last three games. They're on the ropes and there for the taking in their own back yard; a back yard in which their only taste of defeat this season has come at the hands of – der, der, der – a team from Manchester.

Of course if Manchester United are to secure the result they require to progress to Big Cup semi-final and take the shine off their Big Season O'Failure, they'll need need to do at least one goal and could need as many as seven or eight. With this in mind and Robin van Persie sidelined, Wayne Rooney is going to have a pain-killing injection in the toe he knacked against Bayern at Old Trafford to enable him to play, and his manager sees no problem in this perfectly sensible application of medical science. "We think it's OK because we wouldn't do anything wrong," he said to journalists, surreptitiously hiding a big jar of leeches. "We take advice from our doctors. Everybody knows the character Wayne is and the kind of player he is. He is determined to play and if he is determined we would be mad not to [play him]."

But if Wayne thinks he's going to have it all his own way, banging in goal after goal after goal with his big numb toe, he's sorely mistaken, because Bayern's players will be doing their damnedest to stop him. "We have to make sure we keep our form, we can't allow to happen what happened in Manchester, we must not concede a goal," declared their manager Pep Guardiola, who went on to say that he knows exactly how his team has to play, then added that he has two doubts, only one of which he seemed to discuss. "I know exactly how we have to play," he said. "I have two doubts. We have only got 14 players to pick from. Where [Philipp] Lahm will play depends on the situation, on the other players available, on the opposition." A nation waits. Will it be Bayern's Lahm or United's lambs to the slaughter?

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Barry Glendenning from 7.30pm for MBM coverage of Bayern Munich 3-0 Manchester United (agg: 4-1), and Jacob Steinberg for Atlético Madrid 2-2 Barcelona (agg: 3-3, Barça win on away goals).

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It doesn't affect the players, I think any player who said it was would be a liar. The name doesn't matter and we wear the tiger on our badge already. Cardiff changed their whole brand, from the Bluebirds to the Red Dragons, we're not doing that. The chairman just wants to change us to our nickname and I can't see that being as bad, but I do see where the fans are coming from as well. If the Glazers changed Man United to the Yankees or the Red Sox there would be uproar but we have to do things for the global market. Being Hull City doesn't stand out as much as Hull Tigers in China or the Far East and maybe it's a ploy to make you stand out as a better sponsorship potential. Man City are Man City but because they have the best players in the world they're not too worried about being called City … I am literally on the fence" – too late, Hull City defender Curtis Davies, speaking from your somewhat uncomfortable position. The FA has rejected your chairman's planned rebrand.

FIVER LETTERS

"In yesterday's Bits and Bobs, you mentioned that Dynamo Moscow fired Dan Petrescu, in a meeting with 'Dan Petrescu present'. A good thing, really, as Dan Petrescu Future would have known already, and Dan Petrescu Past would have had time to exact malicious revenge on his soon-to-be-ex bosses – perhaps by suggesting David Moyes as his successor" – Nick Jeffery.

"Can I be one of 1,057 dry-throated pedants to ask if Pep Guardiola's going to be buying one big glass of beer between all the hacks or one beer per hack 'if Wayne Rooney doesn't recover from toe-knack' (yesterday's Bits and Bobs). I know the locals drink bier by the Maß in Munich, but I also know the thirst many journos suffer from, so that'll need to be one Maßive glass to enhance the mood of the British hack-pack once Bayern have handed United their bahookies" – Pete Collins.

"A couple other recent favourites (football jokes, yesterday's Fiver) include 'Spurs' 2013 transfer record', 'Arsenal's away record to the top four', and 'Manchester United' – Peter Touhill (a Spurs supporter trying to find humour in this campaign).

"No sobbing, Fiver! Any chance of a few positive words on the boys in Chelsea blue? Yet again we seem to be flying the British flag in the latter stages of European competition. If we'd been Arsenal, the plaudits would be cascading from the pens of the sages. Mind you, if we'd been Arsenal we would all be sobbed out by now" – Peter Perchard.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Pete Collins.

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BITS AND BOBS

Colin Kazim-Richards has been fined after being found guilty of making a homophobic gesture at Brighton fans while playing against them for Blackeye Rovers in 2013. Prosecutor Simon Allen told Brighton magistrates' court that the player had mimicked pulling his shorts down, put his left arm behind his backside and made a homophobic gesture towards the crowd, and at one point was seen by a witness backing into Brighton's Wayne Bridge and simulating a $ex act. "I was interacting with the fans," said Kazim-Richards. "I was having a bit of banter back."

Tranmere Rovers have sacked boss Ronnie Moore, less than 24 hours after he admitted an FA charge over breaching betting rules.

Brentford insist they will assist any investigation into an altercation in which Crawley's Paul Connolly allegedly introduced his hand to a home fan's coupon during the Bees' 1-0 win at Griffin Park. "The referee has moved in and a plastic bottle has come on to the pitch, so no doubt we'll hear from the Football League about that one as well," parped chief suit Mark Devlin.

Tickets for Liverpool's underwhelming 1-0 win over Manchester City on Sunday are selling for up to £5,000 a pair.

The answer to Arsenal's woes? More money, according to Santi Cazorla. Good old money. "We have to improve at crucial moments and sign the best football players because if you don't do that, you may lag behind others," he howled.

And having come up just short in their Big Cup clash against Real Madrid, Borussia Dortmund have moved to replace Bayern-bound Robert Lewandowski with Hertha Berlin's Adrián Ramos. "He fully fits into the profile of Dortmund," cheered the club's Michael Zorc.

STILL WANT MORE?

What next for rich owners' plaything PSG? Something not good for superlative trolling victim Laurent Blanc, reckons Dominic Fifield.

It's a footballers in baths gallery (SFW).

Religion and the Seleção. Some recommended reading from Fernando Duarte.

Has a referee ever changed his mind about a red card (redux)? The Knowledge investigates.

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'AND HAILING FROM PARTS UNKNOWN …'