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Bob Carr's diary: the outtakes Bob Carr's diary: the outtakes
(5 months later)
2 March, 20122 March, 2012
Julia Julia has announced my nomination to the NSW Senate. I can’t be entirely sure, but I think I heard huge crowds in the street cheering and singing songs of joy. It was a bit hard to tell because I was so engrossed by working on my new translation of Also Sprach Zarathustra.
has announced my nomination to the NSW Senate. I can’t be entirely sure, but I
think I heard huge crowds in the street cheering and singing songs of joy. It
was a bit hard to tell because I was so engrossed by working on my new
translation of Also Sprach Zarathustra.
14 March, 201214 March, 2012
Amazed Amazed by the mess left in the foreign minister’s office by Kevin. He has chewed almost every chair leg in the place, and the desk is full of Mexican walking fish. I can see I have a lot of work in front of me to turn this place around. Made a good start by gathering all the department staff together and singing them an aria from Tristan und Isolde. I think they got the message. Many were moved to tears. Later in the day went to the gym, where I challenged several young men to leg-lift races. They may never walk again.
by the mess left in the foreign minister’s office by Kevin. He has chewed
almost every chair leg in the place, and the desk is full of Mexican walking
fish. I can see I have a lot of work in front of me to turn this place around.
Made a good start by gathering all the department staff together and singing
them an aria from Tristan und Isolde. I think they got the message. Many were
moved to tears. Later in the day went to the gym, where I challenged several
young men to leg-lift races. They may never walk again.
17 May, 201217 May, 2012
Spent Spent almost all day in meetings with department heads and fellow cabinet ministers. No idea what was discussed at any of them, as I have discovered that I can see my reflection in my watch and so found myself quite distracted. I managed to centre myself in the evening with half an hour’s quick meditation and a vigorous bout of Cappadocian quadricep-flurries. Then off to dinner with the Spanish ambassador, who informed me he had fallen in love with me and wished to whisk me to Mauritius. This has happened so often it’s almost becoming tiresome.
almost all day in meetings with department heads and fellow cabinet ministers.
No idea what was discussed at any of them, as I have discovered that I can see
my reflection in my watch and so found myself quite distracted. I managed to centre
myself in the evening with half an hour’s quick meditation and a vigorous bout
of Cappadocian quadricep-flurries. Then off to dinner with the Spanish
ambassador, who informed me he had fallen in love with me and wished to whisk
me to Mauritius. This has happened so often it’s almost becoming tiresome.
16 June 201216 June 2012
Just Just got off a plane to Moscow. Cannot believe the horrific deterioration in the quality of airline eye-shields in the past decade. I might as well have been sleeping on donkey-back. In-flight movie was 50 First Dates. Made some notes to send to Adam Sandler to help him with his next film. Also wrote angry letter to British Airways. I wasn’t flying with them, but I like to keep them on their toes.
got off a plane to Moscow. Cannot believe the horrific deterioration in the Was greeted at the airport by deputy head of Russian foreign ministry. He accompanied me to my hotel, and was deeply impressed by my dramatic recitations from memory of passages from Dostoyevsky’s less prominent works. We sat up late in my room discussing the meaning of Uncle Vanya, until he became violent.
quality of airline eye-shields in the past decade. I might as well have been
sleeping on donkey-back. In-flight movie was 50 First Dates. Made some notes to
send to Adam Sandler to help him with his next film. Also wrote angry letter to
British Airways. I wasn’t flying with them, but I like to keep them on their
toes.
Was
greeted at the airport by deputy head of Russian foreign ministry. He
accompanied me to my hotel, and was deeply impressed by my dramatic recitations
from memory of passages from Dostoyevsky’s less prominent works. We sat up late
in my room discussing the meaning of Uncle Vanya, until he became violent.
20 August 201220 August 2012
Beginning Beginning to become worried by my inability to sleep. Some nights I get less than three hours, and yet I am as alert and brilliant and athletic as ever in the morning. Have to consider the possibility that I am transcending the human form, which could cause jealousy in cabinet.
to become worried by my inability to sleep. Some nights I get less than three
hours, and yet I am as alert and brilliant and athletic as ever in the morning.
Have to consider the possibility that I am transcending the human form, which
could cause jealousy in cabinet.
6 September 20126 September 2012
Monthly Monthly abdominal inspection. Stomach so flat and hard that I momentarily mistook it for an ice rink. Grated some cheese on it. Became a little aroused. Had to calm myself down by ringing Eric Abetz. Slept like a baby.
abdominal inspection. Stomach so flat and hard that I momentarily mistook it
for an ice rink. Grated some cheese on it. Became a little aroused. Had to calm
myself down by ringing Eric Abetz. Slept like a baby.
30 September 201230 September 2012
Had Had another blazing row with Julia. She refuses to budge on her stance re: Israel. I offered to read her some romantic Persian poetry, but she told me to perform a sex act that just would not have been possible. I asked her what was the point of appointing Bob Carr prime minister if you don’t want the benefit of his genius? I told her that Kevin Rudd bought the entire caucus ice creams only yesterday. She became highly agitated and put me in a headlock.
another blazing row with Julia. She refuses to budge on her stance re: Israel.
I offered to read her some romantic Persian poetry, but she told me to perform
a sex act that just would not have been possible. I asked her what was the
point of appointing Bob Carr prime minister if you don’t want the benefit of
his genius? I told her that Kevin Rudd bought the entire caucus ice creams only
yesterday. She became highly agitated and put me in a headlock.
6 October 20126 October 2012
My My stay in China is progressing very well. Last night had a wonderful time at a fancy dress party. The theme was “Come as your favourite element of Kevin Rudd’s personality”. I dressed as his obsessive-compulsive attitude to stationery acquisition. Won several prizes.
stay in China is progressing very well. Last night had a wonderful time at a
fancy dress party. The theme was “Come as your favourite element of Kevin
Rudd’s personality”. I dressed as his obsessive-compulsive attitude to
stationery acquisition. Won several prizes.
20 October 201220 October 2012
Hurrah! Hurrah! We are on the Security Council! I celebrated by reading a biography of Stonewall Jackson and slaughtering a wagyu calf, and then began drafting my plan to carpet-bomb Norway. Rang Henry to ask what he thinks of the plan. I think he agrees with me, but I wouldn’t really know, I just drifted off into the clouds listening to his voice.
We are on the Security Council! I celebrated by reading a biography of
Stonewall Jackson and slaughtering a wagyu calf, and then began drafting my
plan to carpet-bomb Norway. Rang Henry to ask what he thinks of the plan. I
think he agrees with me, but I wouldn’t really know, I just drifted off into the
clouds listening to his voice.
14 February 201314 February 2013
Valentine’s Valentine’s Day is one of my favourite holidays. Had a lovely romantic dinner alone at home, my cooking as usual exceeding my expectations. Listened to Puccini and laughed with myself about all I’ve been through together. Ended the evening by melting passionately into my arms.
Day is one of my favourite holidays. Had a lovely romantic dinner alone at
home, my cooking as usual exceeding my expectations. Listened to Puccini and
laughed with myself about all I’ve been through together. Ended the evening by
melting passionately into my arms.
30 March 201330 March 2013
Beginning Beginning to hear the voices again. The doctor says this isn’t a good sign, but mostly they just whisper things like, “You’re looking hot today Bob” and “One day you will be king” so I think they seem pretty well-informed. Popped in to see Wayne on my way home this evening. Drew him a picture of what the economy should look like. He promised he’d stick it on his fridge.
to hear the voices again. The doctor says this isn’t a good sign, but mostly
they just whisper things like, “You’re looking hot today Bob” and “One day you
will be king” so I think they seem pretty well-informed. Popped in to see Wayne
on my way home this evening. Drew him a picture of what the economy should look
like. He promised he’d stick it on his fridge.
20 April 201320 April 2013
Another Another trip to China with Julia. She seems ill-at-ease, always looking sidelong at me and asking me if I’m OK. Does she suspect me of plotting against her? She should know that I don’t deal in plots, but only on destiny. Had some productive talks with high-up Communist party officials. Pointed out to them the failings of Marxism. They agreed to dismantle the apparatus of the state.
trip to China with Julia. She seems ill-at-ease, always looking sidelong at me
and asking me if I’m OK. Does she suspect me of plotting against her? She
should know that I don’t deal in plots, but only on destiny. Had some
productive talks with high-up Communist party officials. Pointed out to them
the failings of Marxism. They agreed to dismantle the apparatus of the state.
15 June 201315 June 2013
Made Made a wonderful speech in the Senate this afternoon. Everyone agreed to support my motion, and Abetz moved that the Senate officially recognise how handsome I am. Afterwards my speaking voice was awarded an Order of Australia.
a wonderful speech in the Senate this afternoon. Everyone agreed to support my
motion, and Abetz moved that the Senate officially recognise how handsome I am.
Afterwards my speaking voice was awarded an Order of Australia.
17 August 201317 August 2013
A A fairly dull day. Ran 30k in the morning, then breakfasted on oats and oxtail before writing my latest novel. In the afternoon I had a cabinet meeting, at which my colleagues unanimously voted to drape me in velvet. I proposed that I should take over responsibility for all portfolios. They agreed amiably. Asked Julia and Kevin over for dinner and had a chat about resolving their differences. They are now engaged. I am to be best man/priest.
fairly dull day. Ran 30k in the morning, then breakfasted on oats and oxtail
before writing my latest novel. In the afternoon I had a cabinet meeting, at
which my colleagues unanimously voted to drape me in velvet. I proposed that I
should take over responsibility for all portfolios. They agreed amiably. Asked
Julia and Kevin over for dinner and had a chat about resolving their
differences. They are now engaged. I am to be best man/priest.
6 September 20136 September 2013
Election Election tomorrow. Rather afraid we might lose, because of the whole thing with everyone being crap except me. I think I’ll be OK though, whatever happens. Discovered during lunch that I now have the ability to fly using the power of my mind, so I’m sure I’ll find another job.
tomorrow. Rather afraid we might lose, because of the whole thing with everyone
being crap except me. I think I’ll be OK though, whatever happens. Discovered
during lunch that I now have the ability to fly using the power of my mind, so
I’m sure I’ll find another job.