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Version 0 Version 1
Football transfer rumours: Rio Ferdinand to lead United clear-out? Football transfer rumours: Rio Ferdinand to lead United clear-out?
(about 1 hour later)
Hark! What is that noise? That rhythmical banging sound? Actually, it sounds pretty good. Nice beat to it. What tub is being thumped to make the Rumour Mill do that saucy little dance that we promised we would never do again? Why, it's Davie Moyes, smacking the side of an empty Gazprom drum (he won't have any need for it for a while), trying to draw attention to the ragtag collection of footballers strewn across the Old Trafford lawn.Hark! What is that noise? That rhythmical banging sound? Actually, it sounds pretty good. Nice beat to it. What tub is being thumped to make the Rumour Mill do that saucy little dance that we promised we would never do again? Why, it's Davie Moyes, smacking the side of an empty Gazprom drum (he won't have any need for it for a while), trying to draw attention to the ragtag collection of footballers strewn across the Old Trafford lawn.
Yes, indeed, there's a sale on in Manchester. All must go and you can get some half-competent athletes for a very reasonable price. And Rio Ferdinand, too. You thought we were going to say Tom Cleverley there, didn't you? No; that's cheap, it's obvious and we want more than that. It seems Davie is up for a good clear-out to make room in his garage for a Toni Kroos, meaning that (breathe) as well as Nemanja Vidic leaving, Ferdinand, Cleverley, Shinji Kagawa, Patrice Evra, Ryan Giggs, Alex Buttner, Anderson, Nani, Ashley Young, Albert the kit man, Fred the Red, the waxwork model they've been putting in Bobby Charlton's seat, Gary Neville's Alex Ferguson teddy bear, Michael Knighton, at least two of the Glazer brothers, the first three attempts at the Fergie statue and Steve Round are all available to anyone who expresses an interest. Yes, indeed, there's a sale on in Manchester. All must go and you can get some half-competent athletes for a very reasonable price. And Rio Ferdinand, too. You thought we were going to say Tom Cleverley there, didn't you? No; that's cheap, it's obvious and we want more than that. It seems Davie is up for a good clear-out to make room in his garage for a Toni Kroos, meaning that (breathe) as well as Nemanja Vidic leaving, Ferdinand, Cleverley, Shinji Kagawa, Patrice Evra, Ryan Giggs, Alex Buttner, Anderson, Nani, Ashley Young, Albert the kitman, Fred the Red, the waxwork model they've been putting in Bobby Charlton's seat, Gary Neville's Alex Ferguson teddy bear, Michael Knighton, at least two of the Glazer brothers, the first three attempts at the Fergie statue and Steve Round are all available to anyone who expresses an interest.
Down the road in Liverpool, Brendan Rodgers has told a group of spotty boys not to touch what they can't afford. Or, to move slightly away from the language of teenage girls and more towards that of football, he has 'issued a hands off warning'. On whom are people wishing to place their hands? Daniel Sturridge? Luis Suàrez? Raheem Sterling? Brad Jones? No, it seems people are keen to poach psychologist Steve Peters, the man who has seemingly very effectively hypnotised the whole Liverpool squad into believing they're no longer rubbish. That's not all Brendan has been doing though – he had a pair of eyes (someone else's – he doesn't have a spare set of his own, as far as we can tell … ) watching Benfica's Lazar Markovic against AZ Alkmaar in the Europa League, and as yer man only played for 20 minutes, it might not exactly have been the most worthwhile trip in the world. Still, nice jolly to Lisbon, eh? Along the road in Liverpool, Brendan Rodgers has told a group of spotty boys not to touch what they can't afford. Or, to move slightly away from the language of teenage girls and more towards that of football, he has issued a hands-off warning. On whom are people wishing to place their hands? Daniel Sturridge? Luis Suàrez? Raheem Sterling? Brad Jones?
Thibaut Courtois is crying into his waffles this morning, and not only because he can see Atlético Madrid's season that promised so much tumbling into heart-breaking nothingness on the last day of the season, when they face Barcelona, the inevitable madcap 4-4 draw handing the title to Real Madrid. No, it's because unless he signs a new contract with new clauses and that with Chelsea, he won't be able to play against them in the Champions League. We don't pretend to understand quite why that would be the case – and nor should you. Don't even try. Have a waffle. No, it seems people are keen to poach the psychologist Steve Peters, the man who has seemingly very effectively hypnotised the whole Liverpool squad into believing they're no longer rubbish. That's not all Brendan has been doing though – he had a pair of eyes (someone else's – he doesn't have a spare set of his own … ) watching Benfica's Lazar Markovic against AZ Alkmaar in the Europa League, and as yer man only played for 20 minutes, it might not exactly have been the most worthwhile trip in the world. Still, nice jolly to Lisbon, eh?
Hot young buck Samuel Eto'o is seemingly sick of José Mourinho constantly saying he's a no good geriatric and is readying himself to do one to Turkey, where Besiktas have laid out a very attractive two-year contract offer, which will of course keep the spry striker in Istanbul until he's 23. Thibaut Courtois is crying into his waffles this morning, and not only because he can see Atlético Madrid's season that promised so much tumbling into heartbreaking nothingness on the last day of the season, when they face Barcelona, the inevitable madcap 4-4 draw handing the title to Real Madrid. No, it's because unless he signs a new contract with new clauses with Chelsea, he won't be able to play against them in the Champions League. We don't pretend to understand quite why that would be the case – and nor should you. Don't even try. Have a waffle.
Newcastle are plotting. Plotting! We guess Alan Pardew, Mike Ashley and Joe Kinnear (you thought he was gone? Pah! Joe is never gone) are huddled around a candle, having met in a darkened chamber at the dead of night, poring over a parchment on which there are but two words scrawled with a quill. Those two words are 'Joel Campbell'. The Magpies want Manchester United-slayer Campbell and given that the perpetual Arsenal loanee has scored only eight goals in 30 games for Olympiakos this season, we imagine he'll fit right in at St James's Park. Arsenal will respond to this crippling blow by having a good old look at Everton defender John Stones, who has impressed all and sundry since breaking into the team earlier this season. Hot young buck Samuel Eto'o is seemingly sick of José Mourinho constantly saying he's a no-good geriatric and is readying himself to do one to Turkey, where Besiktas have laid out a very attractive two-year contract offer, which will of course keep the spry striker in Istanbul until he's 23.
Lewis Holtby seems like a lovely young man. The sort that you'd be delighted to bring home to meet your parents. He'd be polite, say that dinner was lovely even if pa has overcooked the chicken and ma has made the gravy all lumpy, and then he'd do the washing up, not just out of politeness but because he genuinely wants to help. He's got lovely hair too. Nice strong arms. And those ey … sorry, erm, miles away for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah, he wants to stay at Tottenham next season. Newcastle are plotting. Plotting! We guess Alan Pardew, Mike Ashley and Joe Kinnear (you thought he was gone? Pah! Joe is never gone) are huddled around a candle, having met in a darkened chamber at the dead of night, poring over a parchment on which there are but two words scrawled with a quill. Those two words are 'Joel Campbell'. The Magpies want Manchester United-slayer Campbell and given that the perpetual Arsenal loanee has scored only eight goals in 30 games for Olympiakos this season, we imagine he'll fit right in at St James' Park. Arsenal will respond to this crippling blow by having a good old look at Everton defender John Stones, who has impressed all and sundry since breaking into the team this season.
Lewis Holtby seems like a lovely young man. The sort that you'd be delighted to bring home to meet your parents. He'd be polite, say that dinner was lovely even if pa has overcooked the chicken and ma has made the gravy all lumpy, and then he'd do the washing up, not just out of politeness but because he genuinely wants to help. He's got lovely hair, too. Nice strong arms. And those ey … sorry, erm, miles away for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah, he wants to stay at Tottenham next season.
And finally, in perhaps the most pathetic thing that your humble Rumour Mill has heard or seen since those Chelsea fans discovered how to use crayons and A4 paper, a group of quite possibly the same Chelsea fans want to have a whip-round to pay Mourinho's naughty boy fine. Good lord.And finally, in perhaps the most pathetic thing that your humble Rumour Mill has heard or seen since those Chelsea fans discovered how to use crayons and A4 paper, a group of quite possibly the same Chelsea fans want to have a whip-round to pay Mourinho's naughty boy fine. Good lord.