Unchoosing the Chosen One

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/apr/22/david-moyes-manchester-united

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YOU'RE JUST HAVING A BAD DREAM - GO BACK TO SLEEP

The Fiver struggles over weekends: one can only play Minesweeper so many times in the 72 hours between 5pm on Friday and 5pm on Monday before the screws start to loosen. Imagine how we feel over a bank holiday: the wait between Thursday and Tuesday is excruciating. We're talking multiple existential crises. If a tea-timely email is sent from an office but it bounces straight back from every inbox, is it really sent at all? That kind of thing.

That's why, as we awakened from our self-induced coma on Tuesday morning, we were hoping for some big news. Maybe Tony Pulis was wearing a funny hat! But alas, there was nothing: just Alessandro Del Piero deliberating over whether he should keep playing for Sydney FC, and news that a mid-table Premier League side had fired their manager.

But then! Pep! Klopp! They spoke! Thank god for the Bundesliga – a shining beacon of newsworthy teams and managers, false neins and Philippe Lahm. But, and here's the thing, Pep and Klopp were talking about the Premier League. And even more strangely, they were talking about said mid-table Premier League side – one Manchester United – with the pair even having to deny any interest in the recently-vacated managerial position, which they did with all the yawning nonchalance of a parent calmly escorting their lost child back to their bed. "No you can't jump in bed with Mummy and Daddy. You're just having a bad dream. Go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning," they didn't say.

Why any hack would ask why the managers of two German powerhouses – both set for another lucrative Big Cup campaign next season – would want to jump ship to Manchester in favour of looking after Ashley Young, the Fiver simply can't fathom. Ryan Giggs, 87, will have that job for the final four games after being tasked with filling the Moyes-shaped hole in United's dugout until the club gets its act together and chooses a non-Lord Ferg Chosen One.

"My commitment to Borussia Dortmund and the people is not breakable" Jürgen Klopp black-and-whited, while Pep Guardiola, sat in a La-Z-Boy recliner, announced that he was "comfortable" and that he is "Bayern's and I want to stay here for [the] two more years [on my contract] to do my job." Hard luck for Manchester United, one can take only so much rejection – the Fiver should know.

While the United board isn't likely to want to wait two years for Pep, the Fiver is. If we can get through this slow news day, we can get through anything.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"He will receive an ovation like he deserves because he is a hometown boy" – Diego Simeone reckons Po' Fernando Torres may finally feel the love in tonight's Big Cup semi-final at Atlético Madrid. Follow Atlético Madrid 1-1 Chelsea with Jacob Steinberg's minute-by-minute report at 7.45pm.

FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Barry Glendenning is 'one of the four lucky Irish people who has made a life for himself in your country' (Fiver letters passim) I'm sure Barry is not concerned about the identity of the other three. More apposite is the fact that the internet now records written testimony that Mr Glendenning does indeed have a life. In your face haters!" – Roger Mart.

"Re Moyes, as the Rolling Stones once sang, You can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes well you might find you get what you need" – Noble Francis.

"I saw Darren Bent at the funfair in Battersea Park over the Easter break. He thought about getting on the dodgems, then decided against. Does that count as transfer speculation?" – Thomas Mogford .

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Rollover.

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BITS AND BOBS

Um.

Ah.

Oh, Him will have a late fitness test on his knee-knack before Real Madrid's Big Cup semi-final with Bayern Munich tomorrow. "If everyone is certain he can play without any problems at all, then of course he will play," cheered Carlo Ancelotti.

David Silva's ankle-ouch should be healed in time for Manchester City's final two games of the season.

Everton's Kevin Mirallas will miss the rest of the season due to groin-gah.

Hull City striker Yannick Sagbo has been slapped with a £15,000 fine and ordered to complete an education course after showing support for Nicolas Anelka's controversial quenelle celebration.

And Sean Dyche is giving himself a big pat on the back, following Burnley's promotion from the Championship to the Premier League. "To do it automatically and amass the points we have [89], with a very low budget in the grand scheme of this division and using 22 players is incredible", whooped the Ginger Mourinho. "I'm not sure those markers will be done again."

STILL WANT MORE?

Who is to blame for the sorry mess at Old Trafford, asks Owen Gibson.

Ryan Giggs reveals the type of coaching philosophy he'll be bringing to the coaching philosophy-shaped void that's been lingering around the Old Trafford touchline for the past 10 months in this hot chat with Stuart James.

Like a coffee-addled marksman who struggles with pressure, David Moyes missed every target at United, writes Daniel Taylor, kind of.

The downfall of David Moyes? No, it's not another Hitler film-themed YouTube video, it's a picture gallery.

Giggsy's a winner, pipes up Paul Wilson.

In 1934 a revolutionary Austrian side reached the World Cup semi-finals on the back of a storming run. History beckoned. And then turned its back, writes John Ashdown in a World Cup stunning moment that has nothing to do with David Moyes.

Pepe Mel loses a big lead in this week's Gallery.

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FUN, THAT.