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The kindness of the Muslim men who helped me leave behind my miserable marriage The kindness of the Muslim men who helped me leave behind my miserable marriage
(4 months later)
I finally managed to extract a divorce from my ex husband two months ago. A day I won't forget. I felt a heaviness lift from my shoulders and, in the blink of an eye, my life fully opening up again.I finally managed to extract a divorce from my ex husband two months ago. A day I won't forget. I felt a heaviness lift from my shoulders and, in the blink of an eye, my life fully opening up again.
We’ve been separated a long time. The journey that ended in divorce was one of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life.I’ve never failed at anything in my life and I was raised to believe marriage is for life, so there was no way I was going to give up on mine without doing everything I could to make it work.We’ve been separated a long time. The journey that ended in divorce was one of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life.I’ve never failed at anything in my life and I was raised to believe marriage is for life, so there was no way I was going to give up on mine without doing everything I could to make it work.
I worked out why it took me so long to leave. I was simply unwilling to give up.I worked out why it took me so long to leave. I was simply unwilling to give up.
I stopped recognising the man I loved during the time we were together, my ego and the love I felt for him prevented me from swallowing this painful truth and moving on.I stopped recognising the man I loved during the time we were together, my ego and the love I felt for him prevented me from swallowing this painful truth and moving on.
My ex husband was too busy keeping up appearances and telling me divorce wasn’t part of his Arab culture and that if I, as a British Muslim found it acceptable to end a marriage it was because I was westernised.My ex husband was too busy keeping up appearances and telling me divorce wasn’t part of his Arab culture and that if I, as a British Muslim found it acceptable to end a marriage it was because I was westernised.
But it was the men, the wonderful gentle, kind Muslim men in my life who finally made me admit that enough was enough. They made me acknowledge that I was the only one who could claw my life back, I owe them my sanity and wellbeing.But it was the men, the wonderful gentle, kind Muslim men in my life who finally made me admit that enough was enough. They made me acknowledge that I was the only one who could claw my life back, I owe them my sanity and wellbeing.
My father called me during one particularly bad day and read me the riot act - either I walk away and leave my husband or he had no choice but to cut me off, disown me. My brothers applied some tough love as only brothers can and ordered me to get a grip on myself and to move out.My father called me during one particularly bad day and read me the riot act - either I walk away and leave my husband or he had no choice but to cut me off, disown me. My brothers applied some tough love as only brothers can and ordered me to get a grip on myself and to move out.
One of my most treasured friends in Khartoum spent months on Skype patiently helping me understand how I had lost all of sense of who I was. He was the first person I confided in about my marriage collapsing when I was on a train from Glasgow to Oxford and he popped up online to ask how I was. I found myself sobbing my heart out as I tapped away on my laptop telling him I had reached the tipping point.One of my most treasured friends in Khartoum spent months on Skype patiently helping me understand how I had lost all of sense of who I was. He was the first person I confided in about my marriage collapsing when I was on a train from Glasgow to Oxford and he popped up online to ask how I was. I found myself sobbing my heart out as I tapped away on my laptop telling him I had reached the tipping point.
And finally a very wise and gentle man, an imam from Algeria, never once told me that it was my duty as a Muslim woman to put up with abusive behaviour. He told me the opposite, that I needed to get healthier in order to make a good decision about my future. He helped me to regain my confidence, to love myself again and reminded me over and over how sacred the bond of marriage is in Islam. How Islam guides us to treat our spouse with supreme kindness and love and if we are unable too, then they must leave them with respect and kindness. And finally a very wise and gentle man, an imam from Algeria, never once told me that it was my duty as a Muslim woman to put up with abusive behaviour. He told me the opposite, that I needed to get healthier in order to make a good decision about my future. He helped me to regain my confidence, to love myself again and reminded me over and over how sacred the bond of marriage is in Islam. How Islam guides us to treat our spouse with supreme kindness and love and if we are unable too, then they must leave them with respect and kindness.
I found solice in my faith and took practical steps to recover, mentally and physically. I started writing and performing stand up comedy across the UK, I appeared at the Hong Kong comedy festival. I reflected on my experiences of being in a mixed race marriage, the racism and issues that arise from it and all the assumptions people make without knowing a single thing about me.I found solice in my faith and took practical steps to recover, mentally and physically. I started writing and performing stand up comedy across the UK, I appeared at the Hong Kong comedy festival. I reflected on my experiences of being in a mixed race marriage, the racism and issues that arise from it and all the assumptions people make without knowing a single thing about me.
After I left my ex husband I found a job, I moved to Amsterdam and then on to Pakistan where I now live and work. It wasn’t easy but by isolating myself I found it easier to process everything. It also meant I could avoid the cultural baggage still attached to divorce in the British Pakistani and Pakistani communities.After I left my ex husband I found a job, I moved to Amsterdam and then on to Pakistan where I now live and work. It wasn’t easy but by isolating myself I found it easier to process everything. It also meant I could avoid the cultural baggage still attached to divorce in the British Pakistani and Pakistani communities.
My family sheltered me from the worst of the fallout and gossip. Now I’m back in the UK for a few months. I feel like myself again. I feel more balanced, calmer and at peace with myself, able to cope with the snide and judgemental comments from the more traditional members of my so-called community. I’ve been back in Oxford almost three months and I’m truly stunned by the worst aspects of Pakistani culture and how its rammed down throats.My family sheltered me from the worst of the fallout and gossip. Now I’m back in the UK for a few months. I feel like myself again. I feel more balanced, calmer and at peace with myself, able to cope with the snide and judgemental comments from the more traditional members of my so-called community. I’ve been back in Oxford almost three months and I’m truly stunned by the worst aspects of Pakistani culture and how its rammed down throats.
Recently a British-born Pakistani relative came to visit my parents. The man has himself been divorced, more than once, yet he he seemed to see an opportunity to assert his authority as he kept digging away at me. Other British-born Pakistani relatives, many younger than me, have similar tactics. One repeats over and over how I should reflect on how I had “ended up in this predicament” and added that he felt the reason was there was “very little feminine about you”. I’m “too vocal and don’t know how to behave”.Recently a British-born Pakistani relative came to visit my parents. The man has himself been divorced, more than once, yet he he seemed to see an opportunity to assert his authority as he kept digging away at me. Other British-born Pakistani relatives, many younger than me, have similar tactics. One repeats over and over how I should reflect on how I had “ended up in this predicament” and added that he felt the reason was there was “very little feminine about you”. I’m “too vocal and don’t know how to behave”.
Another one chimed in: “I feel sorry for you. But you are not not exactly a typical Pakistani woman and this is something you need to think about.”Another one chimed in: “I feel sorry for you. But you are not not exactly a typical Pakistani woman and this is something you need to think about.”
Another: “Its best people don’t know about you being divorced, we don’t want your father to feel embarrassed.”Another: “Its best people don’t know about you being divorced, we don’t want your father to feel embarrassed.”
At first I argued with these men, then I decided I had better things to do – like live my life in the most honest, respectful and thoughtful way I can. At first I argued with these men, then I decided I had better things to do – like live my life in the most honest, respectful and thoughtful way I can.
My experience are not unique. My friend’s sister has been divorced for years yet nobody in their extended family knows. Another friend felt she had to flee abroad when she left her abusive marriage.My experience are not unique. My friend’s sister has been divorced for years yet nobody in their extended family knows. Another friend felt she had to flee abroad when she left her abusive marriage.
Divorced is permitted in Islam to protect men and women from a marriage where either party are denied their rights. It safeguards dignity and needs. Nobody should be forced to carry a cultural burden of shame.Divorced is permitted in Islam to protect men and women from a marriage where either party are denied their rights. It safeguards dignity and needs. Nobody should be forced to carry a cultural burden of shame.
@shaistaaziz@shaistaaziz