The rules

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/17/rafael-behr-etiquette-guide-nerve-holding

Version 0 of 1.

Rudyard Kipling famously advised keeping your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you. This is easier said than done when everyone has good reason to be losing their heads, especially when that reason is indeed you. This is likely to be the case if you are supposed to be in charge, since your failure to inspire anything but panic in your followers suggests you have been promoted beyond your natural level of competence.

Nerve-holding in politics

Political leaders who encounter panic in the ranks are expected to hold their nerve and instruct others to do likewise.

The instruction to hold your nerve is thus usually synonymous with a plea not to overthrow the leader.

Successful holding of nerve can only be judged retrospectively, once the phase of panic has been effectively navigated.

If you hold your nerve and everything still goes wrong it turns out that the thing you were clinging to was actually delusion. Being deluded is like being sedated by the belief that you are effectively your nerve holding.

The Labour party is currently struggling to hold its nerve because it is losing its lead in opinion polls and no one quite knows how to turn things around. Individuals in a party who struggle to hold their nerve are said to be experiencing "jitters".

The aggregate effect of lots of jitters is said to be a "wobble", which, if uncontrolled, leads to a "meltdown".

The amplitude of a wobble such that it can be sustained for long periods without quite triggering a meltdown is call the milibandwidth.

It is occasionally possible to hold your nerve too long, refusing to panic when in fact that is the rational course of action. When this happens in politics, a party is said to have passed the Clegging point.

Measuring nerve

Nerve-handling is measured on a scale starting with cucumber, cooler than which there is nothing. Key points on the scale include chilled, unnerved, anxious, Corporal Jones from Dad's Army (the brink of panic) and Gordon Brown in receipt of bad news (indiscriminate rage).

In recent years, the term "chillax" has come to be used as a hybrid of chilled and relaxed, although it is most likely to be used by people unfamiliar with either state.

People who are good at holding their nerve are sometimes described as being phlegmatic. They are also sometimes called sanguine. There is a difference but sanguine people are cheerfully unaware of it and phlegmatic people aren't bothered one way or the other so the rule is that in most circumstances they can be used interchangeably.

Meditation is said to be an effective way to settle nerves. This is usually said by people who have enough time to sit around meditating, which indicates that they probably don't have much testing their nerve.

Advocates of meditation deny this and claim that even a few moments of "mindfulness" are sufficient to ease stress. This is a very effective way to annoy someone who already has a mindful of things stopping them from meditating.

Nerve terminology

Steel What good nerves are made of (from which it follows that the ideal of non-flusterability and the state to which practitioners of meditation should aspire is the steel cucumber).

Shredding What happens to nerves if they are held too long.

Bunker Where a leader's close advisers gather to collectively hold their nerve.

Jangling The noise made by nerves shortly before they are shredded.

Other things to hold on to in the absence of nerve

Your hat.

The memories.

Nurse, for fear of something worse.

A stiff drink.

A blue blankie.

What we've got, 'cos it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not (applies only to fans of soft rock).

The thought of how much money you can make as a non-executive director in the City if everything goes wrong (applies only to Conservative MPs).