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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2014/may/19/men-make-an-effort-with-your-smelly-feet-summer-shoes
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| Men – make an effort with your smelly feet this summer | Men – make an effort with your smelly feet this summer |
| (about 2 hours later) | |
| Can you settle once and for all the question of what shoes a man should wear in hot weather? | Can you settle once and for all the question of what shoes a man should wear in hot weather? |
| Albert, London | Albert, London |
| I doubt this question will be settled "once and for all", Albert, first because for some reason, not every man on the planet reads this column, which is just one of those insanities that I've had to accept. Furthermore, as I feel I answer this question every summer, those who do read it seem to forget it or disagree with it and write again in the hope I will answer differently. Chaps, I am not a Magic 8-Ball that you can shake and reshake until I give you the answer that validates your behaviour ("Yes, you look totally great in your football shirt", "No, you don't need to change your pants every day". Sorry, no matter how many times you metaphorically or even literally shake me, those are uterrances I shall never make. And please don't literally shake me. It is a legal offence.) | |
| But the issue of British men and shoes is an issue that desperately needs revisiting because it is such a huge problem. Even though summer comes around every year, and every year summer is hot (thanks, global warming!), British men – or to be specific, British men's feet – are dressed in a way that suggests they have never before encountered hot temperatures and are thus just making do in a blitz-mentality with a bit of newspaper and twine, sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally. | But the issue of British men and shoes is an issue that desperately needs revisiting because it is such a huge problem. Even though summer comes around every year, and every year summer is hot (thanks, global warming!), British men – or to be specific, British men's feet – are dressed in a way that suggests they have never before encountered hot temperatures and are thus just making do in a blitz-mentality with a bit of newspaper and twine, sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally. |
| Part of the problem is that, yes, it is quite hard to look half-decent when you're hot because, frankly, it's hard to give a fig about how you look when your back is so sweaty you leave an imprint on furniture, Soul Glo-style (look it up, you cultural ignoramuses). Certainly, there are plenty of women who look a right mess in the heat, and I include myself in this. Hey, those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach teach gym. And those who can't teach gym go into journalism. Welcome to how the sausage is made, people! | Part of the problem is that, yes, it is quite hard to look half-decent when you're hot because, frankly, it's hard to give a fig about how you look when your back is so sweaty you leave an imprint on furniture, Soul Glo-style (look it up, you cultural ignoramuses). Certainly, there are plenty of women who look a right mess in the heat, and I include myself in this. Hey, those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach teach gym. And those who can't teach gym go into journalism. Welcome to how the sausage is made, people! |
| But the problem is worse – Oh! So much worse! – when it comes to British men because 80% of them (at least) have this gene, you see, one that has gone undicovered for years but one that this column has long suspected existed. And so, thanks to a Kickstarter campaign, generous donations from a philanthropic source (thanks, Mum!) and the billions I've personally made working in journalism, I started the Ask Hadley Institute, which you can find on the outskirts of LA, just next to the Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can't Read Good. | But the problem is worse – Oh! So much worse! – when it comes to British men because 80% of them (at least) have this gene, you see, one that has gone undicovered for years but one that this column has long suspected existed. And so, thanks to a Kickstarter campaign, generous donations from a philanthropic source (thanks, Mum!) and the billions I've personally made working in journalism, I started the Ask Hadley Institute, which you can find on the outskirts of LA, just next to the Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can't Read Good. |
| The Ask Hadley Institute is staffed by the finest scientific minds from 80s movies, including Yahoo Serious of Young Einstein fame, Doctor Emmett Brown, Jeff Goldblum from The Fly and Anthony Michael Hall from Weird Science, while Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy from Trading Places are on hand to provide ethical advice. Together, these renowned geniuses have made this incredible discovery that I shall exclusively reveal to you today. The vast majority of British men possess something called the SOMEA (BTWGLA) gene, and this is the source of pretty much all their problems because SOMEA (BTWGLA) stands for Scared of Making An Effort (Because They Will Get Laughed At). | The Ask Hadley Institute is staffed by the finest scientific minds from 80s movies, including Yahoo Serious of Young Einstein fame, Doctor Emmett Brown, Jeff Goldblum from The Fly and Anthony Michael Hall from Weird Science, while Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy from Trading Places are on hand to provide ethical advice. Together, these renowned geniuses have made this incredible discovery that I shall exclusively reveal to you today. The vast majority of British men possess something called the SOMEA (BTWGLA) gene, and this is the source of pretty much all their problems because SOMEA (BTWGLA) stands for Scared of Making An Effort (Because They Will Get Laughed At). |
| This gene is the reason behind that tedious public-school and Oxbridge tendency to insist that one has done absolutely no revision before an exam. It is also why British men are incapable of asking a woman on a date, waiting instead until both are paralytically drunk, then lunging at her and either marrying her or never speaking to her again. But the most aesthetically distressing manifestation of the gene is what a British man wears in the summer. | This gene is the reason behind that tedious public-school and Oxbridge tendency to insist that one has done absolutely no revision before an exam. It is also why British men are incapable of asking a woman on a date, waiting instead until both are paralytically drunk, then lunging at her and either marrying her or never speaking to her again. But the most aesthetically distressing manifestation of the gene is what a British man wears in the summer. |
| In the winter, it's easier for a man to look half-decent because it would take serious effort to screw up a jumper, jeans and trainers, and to make an effort goes against a British man's moral fibre. Summer, however, is entirely different because for a man to look good, he needs to buy specific clothes and this, to the SOMEA (BTWGLA) sufferer, counts as "making an effort". Thus he sticks with his winter clothes, or clothes he wears on holiday, neither of which really work. In regards to the former, this generally means trainers, but without socks as a nod to the hot weather. Which is great, if you're going for the Smelly Feet Look. For the latter, this means flip-flops and, thanks to the efforts of the Ask Hadley Institute, flip-flops worn anywhere other than by the beach or a pool are now banned, especially in the office, where they are not only gross but annoying with the flap-flap-flappiness. I even saw a man this weekend walking to his newsagent barefoot. Barefoot! And yes, I did doublecheck that it wasn't Johnny Borrell. Truly, an extreme sufferer of SOMEA (BTWGLA). | In the winter, it's easier for a man to look half-decent because it would take serious effort to screw up a jumper, jeans and trainers, and to make an effort goes against a British man's moral fibre. Summer, however, is entirely different because for a man to look good, he needs to buy specific clothes and this, to the SOMEA (BTWGLA) sufferer, counts as "making an effort". Thus he sticks with his winter clothes, or clothes he wears on holiday, neither of which really work. In regards to the former, this generally means trainers, but without socks as a nod to the hot weather. Which is great, if you're going for the Smelly Feet Look. For the latter, this means flip-flops and, thanks to the efforts of the Ask Hadley Institute, flip-flops worn anywhere other than by the beach or a pool are now banned, especially in the office, where they are not only gross but annoying with the flap-flap-flappiness. I even saw a man this weekend walking to his newsagent barefoot. Barefoot! And yes, I did doublecheck that it wasn't Johnny Borrell. Truly, an extreme sufferer of SOMEA (BTWGLA). |
| Men, fight your instincts. Suck it up and buy some smart warm-weather shoes, such as deck shoes, properly structured espadrilles, new plimsolls or loafers. It isn't hard. And no, before you ask, Crocs don't count. And now, I must sign off because Madonna from Desperately Seeking Susan, Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing and Molly Ringwald from Pretty in Pink have a date in the Ask Hadley Institute canteen to discuss next week's column about what we think is suitable wear for a woman in hot weather. Truly, the institute's work is never done. | Men, fight your instincts. Suck it up and buy some smart warm-weather shoes, such as deck shoes, properly structured espadrilles, new plimsolls or loafers. It isn't hard. And no, before you ask, Crocs don't count. And now, I must sign off because Madonna from Desperately Seeking Susan, Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing and Molly Ringwald from Pretty in Pink have a date in the Ask Hadley Institute canteen to discuss next week's column about what we think is suitable wear for a woman in hot weather. Truly, the institute's work is never done. |