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| Send the losers home now! | Send the losers home now! |
| (3 months later) | |
| SOMEONE CALL TOM CLEVERLEY! | SOMEONE CALL TOM CLEVERLEY! |
| Send ‘em home! Send the losers home now! Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is knacked, Raheem Sterling is a hot-head, James Milner isn’t a right-back, Chris Smalling is confused, Luke Shaw isn’t Ashley Cole and England couldn’t even beat Ecuador, which isn’t even a real country as far as $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver is concerned, not in the way Blighty is a real country. Not only do they not plead with God to save their queen when they wake up every morning, these Ecuadorians don’t even have a queen to speak of. They don’t even know the Great Escape tune. That’s right, they don’t have a brass band and yet there they were, holding England to an impertinent 2-2 draw. The Fiver has seen enough. Forget about Brazil. Put them on the first flight back to Heathrow and have the rotten vegetables ready for their arrival. | Send ‘em home! Send the losers home now! Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is knacked, Raheem Sterling is a hot-head, James Milner isn’t a right-back, Chris Smalling is confused, Luke Shaw isn’t Ashley Cole and England couldn’t even beat Ecuador, which isn’t even a real country as far as $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver is concerned, not in the way Blighty is a real country. Not only do they not plead with God to save their queen when they wake up every morning, these Ecuadorians don’t even have a queen to speak of. They don’t even know the Great Escape tune. That’s right, they don’t have a brass band and yet there they were, holding England to an impertinent 2-2 draw. The Fiver has seen enough. Forget about Brazil. Put them on the first flight back to Heathrow and have the rotten vegetables ready for their arrival. |
| On the bright side, it could have been worse. Rickie Lambert scored a stunner, while Wayne Rooney responded to suggestions that his lack of sharpness means he should be dropped by silencing his critics with a heroic blast into the unguarded Ecuador net. “I am not really interested,” Rooney roared. “A lot of people have their opinions – but I listen to the people around me and in the coaching set-up. I don’t listen to people outside of the set-up really so anyone, journalists can say what they want. I have got no interest in listening to them.” He’s gearing up for a foul-mouthed rant at the cameras after a 1-0 defeat to Uruguay, isn’t he, before getting sent off for stepping on Bryan Ruiz’s knackers in a turgid 1-1 draw with Costa Rica. | On the bright side, it could have been worse. Rickie Lambert scored a stunner, while Wayne Rooney responded to suggestions that his lack of sharpness means he should be dropped by silencing his critics with a heroic blast into the unguarded Ecuador net. “I am not really interested,” Rooney roared. “A lot of people have their opinions – but I listen to the people around me and in the coaching set-up. I don’t listen to people outside of the set-up really so anyone, journalists can say what they want. I have got no interest in listening to them.” He’s gearing up for a foul-mouthed rant at the cameras after a 1-0 defeat to Uruguay, isn’t he, before getting sent off for stepping on Bryan Ruiz’s knackers in a turgid 1-1 draw with Costa Rica. |
| But that can all wait for now. Oxlade-Chamberlain’s fitness is the main worry for England at the moment. The winger is potentially out of the World Cup after pranging his knee and faces a minimum of 10 days out with ligament-gah! Not to worry, though, because Michael Carrick is waiting in the wings. “My hope is that Oxlade-Chamberlain will not be seriously injured,” chirped Mr Roy, who then unveiled a pair of lead boots that he’s had specially designed to keep Ross Barkley’s feet firmly on the ground. Most people were drooling over the youngster’s performance, but Mr Roy wasn’t so impressed. “I’m not prepared to address your obsession with Ross Barkley,” he said as his interrogator whipped off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Barkley’s face on his chest, before kidnapping the Everton midfielder, locking him in his Miami hotel room and throwing away the key to give England another selection headache. Someone call Tom Cleverley. | But that can all wait for now. Oxlade-Chamberlain’s fitness is the main worry for England at the moment. The winger is potentially out of the World Cup after pranging his knee and faces a minimum of 10 days out with ligament-gah! Not to worry, though, because Michael Carrick is waiting in the wings. “My hope is that Oxlade-Chamberlain will not be seriously injured,” chirped Mr Roy, who then unveiled a pair of lead boots that he’s had specially designed to keep Ross Barkley’s feet firmly on the ground. Most people were drooling over the youngster’s performance, but Mr Roy wasn’t so impressed. “I’m not prepared to address your obsession with Ross Barkley,” he said as his interrogator whipped off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Barkley’s face on his chest, before kidnapping the Everton midfielder, locking him in his Miami hotel room and throwing away the key to give England another selection headache. Someone call Tom Cleverley. |
| QUOTE OF THE DAY | QUOTE OF THE DAY |
| “I feel safe with my parents. When I am in Ludwigshafen, I dwell mostly in my old room. I know the area, my buddy, my friends. And ‘Hotel Mama’ is just the best. My mother then does everything – makes food, does the laundry. In London I have a cleaning lady, but that is not the same” – André Schürrle, renaissance man. | “I feel safe with my parents. When I am in Ludwigshafen, I dwell mostly in my old room. I know the area, my buddy, my friends. And ‘Hotel Mama’ is just the best. My mother then does everything – makes food, does the laundry. In London I have a cleaning lady, but that is not the same” – André Schürrle, renaissance man. |
| A YEAR IN THE LIFE OF MICHEL PLATINI | A YEAR IN THE LIFE OF MICHEL PLATINI |
| 24 May 2013: “If the bidding process is reopened, Qatar will win another time. Why, if I vote for Qatar, [do] I have to change? I tell you why I still vote for Qatar, the same ideas of two years ago. It changes nothing. For me, changes nothing” – Uefa’s grand fromage reiterates his support for Qatar 2022. | 24 May 2013: “If the bidding process is reopened, Qatar will win another time. Why, if I vote for Qatar, [do] I have to change? I tell you why I still vote for Qatar, the same ideas of two years ago. It changes nothing. For me, changes nothing” – Uefa’s grand fromage reiterates his support for Qatar 2022. |
| 5 June 2014: “If instances of corruption are proved, there will need to be a new vote and sanctions” – the Frenchman might be having a rethink. | 5 June 2014: “If instances of corruption are proved, there will need to be a new vote and sanctions” – the Frenchman might be having a rethink. |
| FIVER LETTERS | FIVER LETTERS |
| “While reading a Big Website article about the England team preparations, I couldn’t help noticing that the England head chef is apparently called Tim De’ath. This culinarily inopportune name must surely be a wind-up? In which case, you may as well have gone the whole hog and tried to shoehorn in other preposterous names, such as the fitness coach, Phil Gro’instrain, and the penalty-taking coach Mike O’verthebar” – Tom Murray-Rust. | “While reading a Big Website article about the England team preparations, I couldn’t help noticing that the England head chef is apparently called Tim De’ath. This culinarily inopportune name must surely be a wind-up? In which case, you may as well have gone the whole hog and tried to shoehorn in other preposterous names, such as the fitness coach, Phil Gro’instrain, and the penalty-taking coach Mike O’verthebar” – Tom Murray-Rust. |
| “Sadly for crime novelist Val McDermid’s financial support of Raith Rovers (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), there is no guarantee that any match she sponsors will produce a thriller” – Charles Antaki. | “Sadly for crime novelist Val McDermid’s financial support of Raith Rovers (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), there is no guarantee that any match she sponsors will produce a thriller” – Charles Antaki. |
| “Given that Raith Rovers play at Stark’s Park, surely George RR Martin would be more suitable, particularly as the ground shares a name with the surname of one of the main Game Of Thrones families?” – James Tong. | “Given that Raith Rovers play at Stark’s Park, surely George RR Martin would be more suitable, particularly as the ground shares a name with the surname of one of the main Game Of Thrones families?” – James Tong. |
| “Could you please consider calling time on Stop Football, and instead redouble your efforts into a Stop Townsend campaign. Townsend is at serious risk of ruining 50% of the World Cup, and I can’t afford to keep buying new tellies. He must be stopped” – Matt Barton. | “Could you please consider calling time on Stop Football, and instead redouble your efforts into a Stop Townsend campaign. Townsend is at serious risk of ruining 50% of the World Cup, and I can’t afford to keep buying new tellies. He must be stopped” – Matt Barton. |
| “Re: the appeal over the last few days for us to glean ‘knowledge that you can secretly pass off as your own’ through the World Cup Experts’ Network. Unless we are printing out said pages and showing them to people with our eyes closed, surely it is our own knowledge and we do not need to pass it off as such. And believe me, I will be telling everyone I can that one of the Iranian players has an uncle who plays basketball. Now where’s that Guardian Soulmates link?” – Michael Hunt. | “Re: the appeal over the last few days for us to glean ‘knowledge that you can secretly pass off as your own’ through the World Cup Experts’ Network. Unless we are printing out said pages and showing them to people with our eyes closed, surely it is our own knowledge and we do not need to pass it off as such. And believe me, I will be telling everyone I can that one of the Iranian players has an uncle who plays basketball. Now where’s that Guardian Soulmates link?” – Michael Hunt. |
| • Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Tom Murray-Rust. | • Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Tom Murray-Rust. |
| JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES | JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES |
| We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service “for interesting people” in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren’t having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you. | We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service “for interesting people” in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren’t having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you. |
| RECOMMENDED VIEWING | RECOMMENDED VIEWING |
| Alexi Lalas confirms Big Website’s animated US World Cup history video’s opinion that he is The Dude. | Alexi Lalas confirms Big Website’s animated US World Cup history video’s opinion that he is The Dude. |
| BITS AND BOBS | BITS AND BOBS |
| News that Liverpool have reached a £9.75m agreement to sign Emre Can has had newspaper sub-editors working on puns involving experimental German rock bands, French chorus line girls and tin containers. | News that Liverpool have reached a £9.75m agreement to sign Emre Can has had newspaper sub-editors working on puns involving experimental German rock bands, French chorus line girls and tin containers. |
| Cesc Fábregas has announced his intention to leave Barcelona via the unusual medium of Gerard Piqué being overheard telling Spain coach Vicente del Bosque the news at a promotional event in Washington DC. Which beats a Mr 15% telling a journalist, and said journalist being told “no quotes, no story” by a paper’s readers. | Cesc Fábregas has announced his intention to leave Barcelona via the unusual medium of Gerard Piqué being overheard telling Spain coach Vicente del Bosque the news at a promotional event in Washington DC. Which beats a Mr 15% telling a journalist, and said journalist being told “no quotes, no story” by a paper’s readers. |
| Jack Colback’s orange hair will no longer clash dramatically with Sunderland’s red strip now that he is planning to join Newcastle on a free transfer. | Jack Colback’s orange hair will no longer clash dramatically with Sunderland’s red strip now that he is planning to join Newcastle on a free transfer. |
| News that Yohan Cabaye selected Hatem Ben Arfa, Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, Massadio Haïdara and Gaël Bigirimana in a computer game he was playing means they will all be leaving Newcastle. Obviously. | News that Yohan Cabaye selected Hatem Ben Arfa, Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, Massadio Haïdara and Gaël Bigirimana in a computer game he was playing means they will all be leaving Newcastle. Obviously. |
| Aston Villa may have stuck a skewer in their attempts to persuade Roy Keane to join as assistant manager by bringing in Philippe Senderos on a free. | Aston Villa may have stuck a skewer in their attempts to persuade Roy Keane to join as assistant manager by bringing in Philippe Senderos on a free. |
| Norwich City have signed Bournemouth’s top scorer last season, Lewis Grabban. “He will provide pace, intelligent movement and a high work ethic to the front line,” cheered Neil Adams as Ricky van Wolfswinkel slunk out of sight. | Norwich City have signed Bournemouth’s top scorer last season, Lewis Grabban. “He will provide pace, intelligent movement and a high work ethic to the front line,” cheered Neil Adams as Ricky van Wolfswinkel slunk out of sight. |
| And Ghanaian referee SB Bortey has denied being hit while officiating in the 2-2 draw between Hearts of Oak and Edubiase. “I wasn’t slapped by anyone, rather someone attempted to slap me but I dodged due to my military training,” he bragged. | And Ghanaian referee SB Bortey has denied being hit while officiating in the 2-2 draw between Hearts of Oak and Edubiase. “I wasn’t slapped by anyone, rather someone attempted to slap me but I dodged due to my military training,” he bragged. |
| STILL WANT MORE? | STILL WANT MORE? |
| Like every afternoon, the entire Big Website office downed tools today. Unlike every other afternoon, they spent their time selecting all time World Cup XIs and setting them off against each other. Earn yourself a P45 with maximum efficiency by doing the same. | Like every afternoon, the entire Big Website office downed tools today. Unlike every other afternoon, they spent their time selecting all time World Cup XIs and setting them off against each other. Earn yourself a P45 with maximum efficiency by doing the same. |
| Scott Murray chooses a series of random facts from the 1966 World Cup that have absolutely nothing to do with Azerbaijani linesmen, Kenneth Wolstenholme or Pickles the Dog. | Scott Murray chooses a series of random facts from the 1966 World Cup that have absolutely nothing to do with Azerbaijani linesmen, Kenneth Wolstenholme or Pickles the Dog. |
| In today’s Guardian Experts’ Network, it’s the turn of Group G: USA! USA!! USA!!!, Germany, Ghana and Portugal. Click here, read this, go down the pub and show off your extensive Accra-based scouting team. | |
| The Fiver only read this piece on the rise and rise of US soccerball because it had the word pint in the headline, but it was actually quite good despite not containing liquid refreshment. | The Fiver only read this piece on the rise and rise of US soccerball because it had the word pint in the headline, but it was actually quite good despite not containing liquid refreshment. |
| Uruguayan correspondent Sid Lowe casts his eye over his newly-adopted side, and decides they’re ticking along nicely. | Uruguayan correspondent Sid Lowe casts his eye over his newly-adopted side, and decides they’re ticking along nicely. |
| James Horncastle interviews Gianluigi Buffon without ever once asking him why he’s wearing two different coloured boots in the picture at the bottom of the page. | James Horncastle interviews Gianluigi Buffon without ever once asking him why he’s wearing two different coloured boots in the picture at the bottom of the page. |
| He also has a quick look at Italy’s performance from last night. | He also has a quick look at Italy’s performance from last night. |
| Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. | Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. |
| SIGN UP TO THE FIVER (AND O FIVERÃO) | SIGN UP TO THE FIVER (AND O FIVERÃO) |
| Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. And you can also now receive our World Cup email, O Fiverão, which will become daily as of Monday; this is the latest edition, and you can sign up for it here. | Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. And you can also now receive our World Cup email, O Fiverão, which will become daily as of Monday; this is the latest edition, and you can sign up for it here. |
| THE NEW RONALDINHO? | THE NEW RONALDINHO? |
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