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The World Cup: football on film can only be shown five ways The World Cup: football on film can only be shown five ways
(2 months later)
The day is upon us! The World Cup is here at last! But for some of us the excitement lies not in wondering who will lift the famous trophy, or whether England manager Roy Hodgson will realise grey polo shirts suit no one, least of all him, but in the anticipation of what kind of films the tournament will produce. There'll be no masterpiece, but we can be sure it will embody one of these five themes: The day is upon us! The World Cup is here at last! But for some of us the excitement lies not in wondering who will lift the famous trophy, or whether England manager Roy Hodgson will realise grey polo shirts suit no one, least of all him, but in the anticipation of what kind of films the tournament will produce. There'll be no masterpiece, but we can be sure it will embody one of these five themes:
The questThe quest
All they want to do is watch the big match, and that shouldn't be too hard, should it? Just nip down to the pub, order a couple of beers and a pack of nuts (honestly, the barbecue-coated Nobby's Nuts are excellent. Try them) and settle down in front of the big screen. Then tell the bloke in front of you to get out of your way. But it's never that simple in the quest movie, because the quester is never living within walking distance of a pub. Or even a TV. So in 2006's "global comedy" Gran Final, the questers trying to watch the 2002 World Cup final are a family of nomads in Mongolia, a camel caravan of Tuaregs in Mongolia and a group of native Amazonians.All they want to do is watch the big match, and that shouldn't be too hard, should it? Just nip down to the pub, order a couple of beers and a pack of nuts (honestly, the barbecue-coated Nobby's Nuts are excellent. Try them) and settle down in front of the big screen. Then tell the bloke in front of you to get out of your way. But it's never that simple in the quest movie, because the quester is never living within walking distance of a pub. Or even a TV. So in 2006's "global comedy" Gran Final, the questers trying to watch the 2002 World Cup final are a family of nomads in Mongolia, a camel caravan of Tuaregs in Mongolia and a group of native Amazonians.
In The Cup, it's Tibetan refugees at a monastery/boarding school in India. I've checked UK pub guide beerintheevening, and no recommended pubs appear anywhere near these locations. But that's good, because if they could all just pop to the boozer, they wouldn't have the chance to learn important lessons about life, love and … themselves. (Note: In Africa United, a group of kids walk 3,000 miles from Rwanda to South Africa to try to watch a game. We're disqualifying that one on the grounds that they could surely have found a TV somewhere along the way, and saved themselves the ignominy of arriving at the ground without a ticket, which – as we all know – is strongly discouraged.)In The Cup, it's Tibetan refugees at a monastery/boarding school in India. I've checked UK pub guide beerintheevening, and no recommended pubs appear anywhere near these locations. But that's good, because if they could all just pop to the boozer, they wouldn't have the chance to learn important lessons about life, love and … themselves. (Note: In Africa United, a group of kids walk 3,000 miles from Rwanda to South Africa to try to watch a game. We're disqualifying that one on the grounds that they could surely have found a TV somewhere along the way, and saved themselves the ignominy of arriving at the ground without a ticket, which – as we all know – is strongly discouraged.)
Where to take the quest next: Mix it with a wildlife movie. Imagine March of the Penguins if they were all heading off to listen to football pundits Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. Amazing.Where to take the quest next: Mix it with a wildlife movie. Imagine March of the Penguins if they were all heading off to listen to football pundits Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. Amazing.
My World Cup hellMy World Cup hell
A small but vital genre of World Cup movies is the documentary about the man for whom it's all gone pear-shaped. Presumably the film-makers didn't approach their subjects in the expectation of it all going pear-shaped, but if you've committed to filming and your subject clearly is not going to be the star of the tournament, you've got to come up with something. So 2007's Substitute followed French player Vikash Dhorasoo, who'd played every game in Les Bleus' qualifying campaign, but was left on the sidelines for most of the 2006 finals in Germany. Dhorasoo recorded himself in video diary form and ended his international career in the process.A small but vital genre of World Cup movies is the documentary about the man for whom it's all gone pear-shaped. Presumably the film-makers didn't approach their subjects in the expectation of it all going pear-shaped, but if you've committed to filming and your subject clearly is not going to be the star of the tournament, you've got to come up with something. So 2007's Substitute followed French player Vikash Dhorasoo, who'd played every game in Les Bleus' qualifying campaign, but was left on the sidelines for most of the 2006 finals in Germany. Dhorasoo recorded himself in video diary form and ended his international career in the process.
Then there's Swede Martin Hansson, star of The Referee (can you guess what he did?), who was followed on the road (it's always "the road") to the 2010 World Cup finals in South Africa. It was all going so well … until he failed to spot a handball by France's Thierry Henry in a playoff game against Ireland, which led to the goal that knocked Ireland out. At which point he became an international hate figure. Well, an international hate figure for Irish people.Then there's Swede Martin Hansson, star of The Referee (can you guess what he did?), who was followed on the road (it's always "the road") to the 2010 World Cup finals in South Africa. It was all going so well … until he failed to spot a handball by France's Thierry Henry in a playoff game against Ireland, which led to the goal that knocked Ireland out. At which point he became an international hate figure. Well, an international hate figure for Irish people.
Where to take my World Cup hell next: Go more micro. Make a five-hour, intensely moving meditation about a groundsman whose line-marking machine is broken. Peer into the very depths of his soul as he realises the World Cup will kick off with a 6cm gap in one of the corner quadrants.Where to take my World Cup hell next: Go more micro. Make a five-hour, intensely moving meditation about a groundsman whose line-marking machine is broken. Peer into the very depths of his soul as he realises the World Cup will kick off with a 6cm gap in one of the corner quadrants.
This was our yearThis was our year
Well, nearly. Take one team, and tell the story of its narrow failure to triumph on football's biggest stage. Guarantee a nation will want to relive the moments of glory and disaster. And so, Deutschland. Ein Sommermärchen (Germany. A Summer's Tale) became the most commercially successful German documentary ever by following the host nation's 2006 World Cup campaign (they finished third), and being rushed out by October of that year. It is the only film listed on IMDB to feature in the cast list: "Robert Huth … Himself".Well, nearly. Take one team, and tell the story of its narrow failure to triumph on football's biggest stage. Guarantee a nation will want to relive the moments of glory and disaster. And so, Deutschland. Ein Sommermärchen (Germany. A Summer's Tale) became the most commercially successful German documentary ever by following the host nation's 2006 World Cup campaign (they finished third), and being rushed out by October of that year. It is the only film listed on IMDB to feature in the cast list: "Robert Huth … Himself".
One Night in Turin rather hampered its chances of similar box office success in England by waiting until 2010 to tell the story of the 1990 World Cup (England finished fourth), by which point the combination of jubilation and despair had rather diminished. It is the only film listed on IMDB to feature in the cast list: "Glenn Roeder … Himself".One Night in Turin rather hampered its chances of similar box office success in England by waiting until 2010 to tell the story of the 1990 World Cup (England finished fourth), by which point the combination of jubilation and despair had rather diminished. It is the only film listed on IMDB to feature in the cast list: "Glenn Roeder … Himself".
Where to take this was our year next: Pick a team that doesn't actually make the finals, so you can have the film out for the event itself, offering football fans something to watch on the few nights there's no game on the telly.Where to take this was our year next: Pick a team that doesn't actually make the finals, so you can have the film out for the event itself, offering football fans something to watch on the few nights there's no game on the telly.
The official Fifa filmThe official Fifa film
The best of the lot. No, really. Despite being the product of an organisation whose commitment to openness, transparency and fairness leaves something to be desired, the official Fifa records of each tournament are something of a delight, especially the early ones. The very first, German Giants, which captures the 1954 tournament in Switzerland, leaves the modern viewer marvelling that the World Cup was held in dinky stadiums in fairy-tale surrounds. It's truly a lost world: the Italian team gathering outside their hotel, cheerfully signing autographs, then taking a charabanc – a charabanc! – to the stadium is a marvellous sequence. These are also the only World Cup films in which you can see lots of actual football.The best of the lot. No, really. Despite being the product of an organisation whose commitment to openness, transparency and fairness leaves something to be desired, the official Fifa records of each tournament are something of a delight, especially the early ones. The very first, German Giants, which captures the 1954 tournament in Switzerland, leaves the modern viewer marvelling that the World Cup was held in dinky stadiums in fairy-tale surrounds. It's truly a lost world: the Italian team gathering outside their hotel, cheerfully signing autographs, then taking a charabanc – a charabanc! – to the stadium is a marvellous sequence. These are also the only World Cup films in which you can see lots of actual football.
Where to take the official Fifa film next: DVD extras that include the entire bidding process.Where to take the official Fifa film next: DVD extras that include the entire bidding process.
Really? You expect us to believe this?Really? You expect us to believe this?
There's only one film in this category, and it's not out yet . It's called United Passions, and it tells the story of Fifa. And it stars Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter. Let me repeat that. It stars Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter. Can you guess which organisation bankrolled this film?There's only one film in this category, and it's not out yet . It's called United Passions, and it tells the story of Fifa. And it stars Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter. Let me repeat that. It stars Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter. Can you guess which organisation bankrolled this film?
Where to take Really? You expect us to believe this? next: There's nowhere left to go. It is the logical endpoint of civilisation itself.Where to take Really? You expect us to believe this? next: There's nowhere left to go. It is the logical endpoint of civilisation itself.