A letter to … My younger sister, who's not there for me

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/14/letter-to-younger-sister-not-there-for-me

Version 0 of 1.

We are very different. Always were. The age gap and the distance were part of it. We also loved each other very much, talking, emailing and texting other often. But now we are practically strangers.

The birth of your son, my beautiful, wonderful nephew, happened about the same time my partner fell seriously ill. We moved closer to you as you thought it would be better for us all. Seeing your little family was my ray of sunshine through the nightmare I was living. Then my partner died and everything got worse.

Being a young widow is no fun. I suppose being around a widow is not fun either. Yet, I always make sure I'm not crying in public, I keep a brave face when people are around, pretend I'm fine, make jokes, talk about the weather and I am a good listener to other people's problems. I do my best.

It's another story behind closed doors. You know, the thing between sisters is that we are supposed to be there for each other. I am. I was. Always. I helped out in so many ways. I cooked, I cleaned. I was there to listen, cuddle, cry with you, support you. I never rolled my eyes, I listened when you complained about your partner or your in-laws. I always thought being kind and nonjudgmental were part of sisterly love.

But then I showed you my weak side. When for the first time – on the anniversary of my partner's death – I told you I was feeling lonely and heartbroken, that I was having some sort of breakdown, that I could do with a visit or something, you told me I was being pathetic and I should stop leading you on – you wouldn't feel guilty about my unhappiness. I realised sisterhood was a one-way love affair.

Motherhood didn't change you. You would always be the spoilt child, wanting her own way. We walked on egg shells with you, knowing your temper, also knowing you were prone to give us the silent treatment if you were not happy with something said or done. And I, being the eldest, would be the reasonable one, the one to make an effort, to adapt and even to make amends for you.

I always thought that this side of you would mellow with time but there is no love left for anyone in your heart but your son. You are still impatient with people, unkind, even bitchy. You judge on a whim and have no empathy.

Worse. You are jealous of the bond I have with your son. The only time I forget about my sadness is when I am with him. We have fun, the two of us: we laugh, play and read together, we can be silly. We are in the present and it is wonderful. I love him very much and I strive to be a good aunt to him. You don't want that any more. You hate me being around.

So you have cut me from the family's activities, you don't pass on messages, you pretend you don't understand when your son is asking for me. I don't know what is happening in his life because I'm not part of his now. And no one says anything, for fear you'll do the same to them.

Yesterday was the final straw. I have been ill for quite a while, and you don't care. You don't even know what I suffer from. You just knew I was going to hospital because our mother told you. You didn't call before or afterwards, never mind offering to drive me there.

We are not sisters any more. It's OK with me. I will feel better for it. I will cope.

I just hope your son won't be like you. He is such a lovely young boy, so sweet and funny. I just hope you won't be his only role model.

Anonymous