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The perfect wedding doesn't exist. Stop spending so much and enjoy the party The perfect wedding doesn't exist. Stop spending so much and enjoy the party
(2 months later)
At a wedding I attended nearly 10 years ago, the bride had a few special requirements: She wanted pie instead of cake. Also, she was deathly allergic to peanuts. So along with the addition of strawberry rhubarb and pecan pies for dessert, she stipulated in writing, and vocalized to her wedding planner, that there must be no peanuts. It was a reasonable request, given that a single bite of peanut would send the bride rushing to the nearest emergency room, hardly a longed-for wedding moment.At a wedding I attended nearly 10 years ago, the bride had a few special requirements: She wanted pie instead of cake. Also, she was deathly allergic to peanuts. So along with the addition of strawberry rhubarb and pecan pies for dessert, she stipulated in writing, and vocalized to her wedding planner, that there must be no peanuts. It was a reasonable request, given that a single bite of peanut would send the bride rushing to the nearest emergency room, hardly a longed-for wedding moment.
And then there was the financial factor: As with most weddings, quite a lot had been invested in what everyone agreed was shaping up to be a very nice event, held at a quaint but elegant Vermont inn at the height of the season. In keeping with the personalities of the bride and groom, it wasn't showy, but it did involve the typical wedding bells and whistles, for which the dollar signs inevitably added up: a planner, a caterer, photography, a band, decorations, the pies and so on.And then there was the financial factor: As with most weddings, quite a lot had been invested in what everyone agreed was shaping up to be a very nice event, held at a quaint but elegant Vermont inn at the height of the season. In keeping with the personalities of the bride and groom, it wasn't showy, but it did involve the typical wedding bells and whistles, for which the dollar signs inevitably added up: a planner, a caterer, photography, a band, decorations, the pies and so on.
The wedding itself went off without a hitch, the day glorious and sunny, the bridesmaids, of whom I was one, cooperative and smiling in our blue sundresses, carrying bright flowers. The ceremony was short and lovely, the band energetic and in tune. Everything was, as they say, "perfect" ... until the bride went missing mid-way through her reception.The wedding itself went off without a hitch, the day glorious and sunny, the bridesmaids, of whom I was one, cooperative and smiling in our blue sundresses, carrying bright flowers. The ceremony was short and lovely, the band energetic and in tune. Everything was, as they say, "perfect" ... until the bride went missing mid-way through her reception.
She'd had some pecan pie.She'd had some pecan pie.
Despite instructions to the contrary, it had been made with peanuts in the crust. Quickly, an ambulance was called and the bride's new husband gave her a shot of epinephrine. She'd go on to spend the next few hours of her wedding night not dancing and enjoying herself or even eating her pie, but in the nearest emergency room, being treated for anaphylactic shock.Despite instructions to the contrary, it had been made with peanuts in the crust. Quickly, an ambulance was called and the bride's new husband gave her a shot of epinephrine. She'd go on to spend the next few hours of her wedding night not dancing and enjoying herself or even eating her pie, but in the nearest emergency room, being treated for anaphylactic shock.
I am not sharing this wedding story to invoke fear among those planning their own nuptials, nor to generate a discussion about the importance of believing people who tell you they have serious allergies (though that is important). I tell this story because we all have them. In my life as a wedding guest, I've found that every single nuptial comes with a mishap, some mistake or unexpected complication or drama or comedic accident. There's always something. I am not sharing this wedding story to invoke fear among those planning their own nuptials, nor to generate a discussion about the importance of believing people who tell you they have serious allergies (though that is important). I tell this story because we all have them. In my life as a wedding guest, I've found that every single nuptial comes with a mishap, some mistake or unexpected complication or drama or comedic accident. There's always something.
At the same time, I've noticed more and more money being invested in weddings, as if somehow, magically, spending as much as possible ensures the quality of the day – and therefore, goes the unspoken notion, a couple's future life together – as "perfect."At the same time, I've noticed more and more money being invested in weddings, as if somehow, magically, spending as much as possible ensures the quality of the day – and therefore, goes the unspoken notion, a couple's future life together – as "perfect."
The average cost of a US wedding, according to The Knot's annual Real Weddings Survey, was $29,858 in 2013, up steadily from every year before that. That's the kind of money you're generally supposed to spend on permanent things, like maybe a house. (In places like the UK, weddings cost even more – and of course there are the grand affairs in India and Greece.) And it's not that nearly $30K in the US is a maximum. One in eight American couples paid upwards of $40,000 last year, on wedding venues, planners, staff, clothing, flowers, food, drink, music and other accoutrement for the big day.The average cost of a US wedding, according to The Knot's annual Real Weddings Survey, was $29,858 in 2013, up steadily from every year before that. That's the kind of money you're generally supposed to spend on permanent things, like maybe a house. (In places like the UK, weddings cost even more – and of course there are the grand affairs in India and Greece.) And it's not that nearly $30K in the US is a maximum. One in eight American couples paid upwards of $40,000 last year, on wedding venues, planners, staff, clothing, flowers, food, drink, music and other accoutrement for the big day.
All this money goes to parties that are supposed to stand in for what each couple hopes will be solid and true and long-lasting, sure, but also ... these are just parties, not the marriage itself.All this money goes to parties that are supposed to stand in for what each couple hopes will be solid and true and long-lasting, sure, but also ... these are just parties, not the marriage itself.
And at parties, things will inevitably go awry. Guests can't be corralled and contained, even when they're given itineraries and activities and sometimes even told what to wear. All those rules can, in fact, make for worse-behaved people, like when guests who shall not be named, exhausted by the rituals and the demands, get a little – or a lot – too drunk, and end up dirty dancing with inappropriate partners, or possibly worse.And at parties, things will inevitably go awry. Guests can't be corralled and contained, even when they're given itineraries and activities and sometimes even told what to wear. All those rules can, in fact, make for worse-behaved people, like when guests who shall not be named, exhausted by the rituals and the demands, get a little – or a lot – too drunk, and end up dirty dancing with inappropriate partners, or possibly worse.
Toasts can fall flat or even go up in flames, and guests can behave abysmally, but what about cakes that fall off the backs of trucks; wedding DJs gone rogue, playing only what they want to play; altercations among the catering staff; drunken brides or grooms; flowers that wilt; or epic fights that break out when, say, a pork pie is thrown?Toasts can fall flat or even go up in flames, and guests can behave abysmally, but what about cakes that fall off the backs of trucks; wedding DJs gone rogue, playing only what they want to play; altercations among the catering staff; drunken brides or grooms; flowers that wilt; or epic fights that break out when, say, a pork pie is thrown?
At weddings, I have faced near-hurricane conditions (a reason to have a backup indoor option, always), as well as the breakdown of the bouquet toss, awkward and/or unfortunate hookups, a date who wore denim, wedding decoration duties that went wrong, and a tide that came in too soon, not to mention the allergic reaction of my friend, the bride.At weddings, I have faced near-hurricane conditions (a reason to have a backup indoor option, always), as well as the breakdown of the bouquet toss, awkward and/or unfortunate hookups, a date who wore denim, wedding decoration duties that went wrong, and a tide that came in too soon, not to mention the allergic reaction of my friend, the bride.
Of course, we love a good wedding disaster story, one that evokes a keen sense of schadenfreude, because who hasn't been there, at least once? (Here are some people who have been, hilariously.) After the haze of concern or regret over a mishap has passed, these tales make for unforgettable comedic stories, occasional warning tales, and frequently, viral videos.Of course, we love a good wedding disaster story, one that evokes a keen sense of schadenfreude, because who hasn't been there, at least once? (Here are some people who have been, hilariously.) After the haze of concern or regret over a mishap has passed, these tales make for unforgettable comedic stories, occasional warning tales, and frequently, viral videos.
I'm a fan of the wedding disaster – the one in which no one is truly hurt – not just because they happen to us all, or because they can be riotously funny, but because they stick a much-needed pin in the "perfect day" that comes tied to a huge buy-in, and pay-out, to the wedding-industrial complex. When Kanye and Kim marry on a backdrop of seeming perfection that comes with a price tag of $30m, and, yet, the life-sized nude statues they had carved for the event arrive broken and headless, I breathe a sigh of relief.I'm a fan of the wedding disaster – the one in which no one is truly hurt – not just because they happen to us all, or because they can be riotously funny, but because they stick a much-needed pin in the "perfect day" that comes tied to a huge buy-in, and pay-out, to the wedding-industrial complex. When Kanye and Kim marry on a backdrop of seeming perfection that comes with a price tag of $30m, and, yet, the life-sized nude statues they had carved for the event arrive broken and headless, I breathe a sigh of relief.
Thank goodness "perfection" cannot be paid for.Thank goodness "perfection" cannot be paid for.
And there's additional value in the wedding tale of woe. When bad things happen at good weddings, people are bonded, not just the marrying couple. All those gathered around for support are reminded that in a life together, learning to cope with the problems and complications bound to ensue (failing lights, melting ice swans, smashed cakes, stained dresses) is far more important to a successful marriage than is one flawlessly executed party. As for the flawless parties, they're never quite as flawless as we'd have hoped – no matter what we spend – and maybe this is karma's way of keeping us just a bit more grounded in the haze of a wedding day.And there's additional value in the wedding tale of woe. When bad things happen at good weddings, people are bonded, not just the marrying couple. All those gathered around for support are reminded that in a life together, learning to cope with the problems and complications bound to ensue (failing lights, melting ice swans, smashed cakes, stained dresses) is far more important to a successful marriage than is one flawlessly executed party. As for the flawless parties, they're never quite as flawless as we'd have hoped – no matter what we spend – and maybe this is karma's way of keeping us just a bit more grounded in the haze of a wedding day.
No matter how much we pay for weddings, things can and probably will go wrong. That's life.No matter how much we pay for weddings, things can and probably will go wrong. That's life.
As for my friend with the peanut allergy, she was treated promptly and efficiently (thanks to her wedding dress, she'd go on to tell us, laughing; that's one way to get great service in the ER!). Later that night, unwilling to let her hospital visit ruin things, she and her new husband returned to their reception, putting the mistake behind them and entering their life together with the knowledge that if bad stuff happened, and it would, they’d get through it, because they had. To their amusement, a year later they received an offer for a 10-percent "anniversary" discount to return to the inn where their not-so-perfect day had happened. They've never gone back, though they often return to their favorite bad wedding story: their own.As for my friend with the peanut allergy, she was treated promptly and efficiently (thanks to her wedding dress, she'd go on to tell us, laughing; that's one way to get great service in the ER!). Later that night, unwilling to let her hospital visit ruin things, she and her new husband returned to their reception, putting the mistake behind them and entering their life together with the knowledge that if bad stuff happened, and it would, they’d get through it, because they had. To their amusement, a year later they received an offer for a 10-percent "anniversary" discount to return to the inn where their not-so-perfect day had happened. They've never gone back, though they often return to their favorite bad wedding story: their own.