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'Soccer' is a virus invading America. Where are all the rowdy football fans? 'Soccer' is a virus invading America. Where are all the rowdy football fans?
(2 months later)
Like tuberculosis or veganism, football – soccer, for us plebes – is a virus invading the urban centers of America, slowly destroying my country and its spirit. I mean this with no disrespect to the sport's international fans. The game is not itself un-American: rather, its American appreciators are unpatriotic – and they are shaming the game's great nationalistic fans abroad.Like tuberculosis or veganism, football – soccer, for us plebes – is a virus invading the urban centers of America, slowly destroying my country and its spirit. I mean this with no disrespect to the sport's international fans. The game is not itself un-American: rather, its American appreciators are unpatriotic – and they are shaming the game's great nationalistic fans abroad.
Perhaps you are expecting the standard American complaints against football: calling it futball, the frantic running, players crying (everyone knows there's no crying in baseball), the aggressive metrosexuality, the low scores, France's participation and, of course, games that simply end in ties. Admittedly, on days of particularly zealous patriotism – the Fourth of July, Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp special – I find the list of accusations against the sport rather incriminating. Perhaps you are expecting the standard American complaints against football: calling it futball, the frantic running, players crying (everyone knows there's no crying in baseball), the aggressive metrosexuality, the low scores, France's participation and, of course, games that simply end in ties. Admittedly, on days of particularly zealous patriotism – the Fourth of July, Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp special – I find the list of accusations against the sport rather incriminating.
But in most countries where watching the game of football is a regular occurrence rather than a quadrennial diversion, they understand – unlike Americans – that its purpose is to incite and, in part, appease the bloodlust of the disenfranchised masses. It's only in the US that football becomes a wussy game for the effete elite.But in most countries where watching the game of football is a regular occurrence rather than a quadrennial diversion, they understand – unlike Americans – that its purpose is to incite and, in part, appease the bloodlust of the disenfranchised masses. It's only in the US that football becomes a wussy game for the effete elite.
Sporting events are a display meant to mimic and practice military prowess as well as nurture in its audience the capacity for unity against an opposing force. They are meant to keep the blood of the masses at a risible level, should they be called upon for serviceable violence. (This has been the case as far back as antiquity, when, between conquests, the Romans would appease the empire's bloodlust with gladiators.)Sporting events are a display meant to mimic and practice military prowess as well as nurture in its audience the capacity for unity against an opposing force. They are meant to keep the blood of the masses at a risible level, should they be called upon for serviceable violence. (This has been the case as far back as antiquity, when, between conquests, the Romans would appease the empire's bloodlust with gladiators.)
A cruel but necessary byproduct, then, is indiscriminate crowd violence during these sporting events (at which Americans normally excel) – and each country has its preferred sport from which the rabid mob springs. For much of the world that is not America, said preferred sport is football – and its violence rarely disappoints. Brazil, the host of this year's World Cup, has not only seen mass demonstrations in connection with the plutocratic festivities but has a history of killing both spectators and participants – last year, a referee was reportedly stoned, beheaded and quartered on the field after he stabbed a player to death. Maybe the death part isn't necessary, but the mob still rules.A cruel but necessary byproduct, then, is indiscriminate crowd violence during these sporting events (at which Americans normally excel) – and each country has its preferred sport from which the rabid mob springs. For much of the world that is not America, said preferred sport is football – and its violence rarely disappoints. Brazil, the host of this year's World Cup, has not only seen mass demonstrations in connection with the plutocratic festivities but has a history of killing both spectators and participants – last year, a referee was reportedly stoned, beheaded and quartered on the field after he stabbed a player to death. Maybe the death part isn't necessary, but the mob still rules.
England, too, has an indomitable history of football violence going back to the 19th century – and, though it calmed down around the World Wars, "hooliganism" experienced a resurgence during the waning years of the 20th century. (I don't mean to pick on the British or the Brazilians – mob violence at football games is rampant throughout the world.)England, too, has an indomitable history of football violence going back to the 19th century – and, though it calmed down around the World Wars, "hooliganism" experienced a resurgence during the waning years of the 20th century. (I don't mean to pick on the British or the Brazilians – mob violence at football games is rampant throughout the world.)
But this necessary national violence is not dependent on a particular sport. A rugby match is no small agitation for some New Zealanders. Indian cricket fans have been known to run riot against police. Outside of their currency, hockey is the one of the few ways the inhabitants of Canada demonstrate a capacity for lunacy.But this necessary national violence is not dependent on a particular sport. A rugby match is no small agitation for some New Zealanders. Indian cricket fans have been known to run riot against police. Outside of their currency, hockey is the one of the few ways the inhabitants of Canada demonstrate a capacity for lunacy.
Here in the United States of America, we are granted by manifest destiny two such sports that entice our vicious instincts. To be sure, football is the most American of these pursuits – no other country seems to have the fortitude or physique for such performance – and the ferocity on the field is matched by the ferocity of its fans. Denver has burned. Oaklanders have rampaged. But in basketball, we've seen equally prodigious results. Not only have professional fires raged, but even the college crowd have discovered the war-like release of a post-game riot, win or lose. Young Spartanian warriors, the whole lot of them.Here in the United States of America, we are granted by manifest destiny two such sports that entice our vicious instincts. To be sure, football is the most American of these pursuits – no other country seems to have the fortitude or physique for such performance – and the ferocity on the field is matched by the ferocity of its fans. Denver has burned. Oaklanders have rampaged. But in basketball, we've seen equally prodigious results. Not only have professional fires raged, but even the college crowd have discovered the war-like release of a post-game riot, win or lose. Young Spartanian warriors, the whole lot of them.
But what, pray tell, have we seen from the American fans of "soccer", who are clearly increasing in numbers? Polite conflict – and, worse, impotent revelry.But what, pray tell, have we seen from the American fans of "soccer", who are clearly increasing in numbers? Polite conflict – and, worse, impotent revelry.
Just last week, I ventured to a local drinking establishment, with great hopes for my fellow Americans said to be embracing football with fervor. But instead of a traditional riot or at least some minor destruction, the place was filled with well-behaved individuals, talking in the "inside voices" with muffled jubilation (even when the US won!). Worse still, there were a number of children about. Children! Just last week, I ventured to a local drinking establishment, with great hopes for my fellow Americans said to be embracing football with fervor. But instead of a traditional riot or at least some minor destruction, the place was filled with well-behaved individuals, talking in the "inside voices" with muffled jubilation (even when the US won!). Worse still, there were a number of children about. Children!
American "soccer" fans were so polite and well-behaved that they'd brought their own progeny. Polite hooliganism is better than outright physical violence, but still: it was intolerable.American "soccer" fans were so polite and well-behaved that they'd brought their own progeny. Polite hooliganism is better than outright physical violence, but still: it was intolerable.
Thinking perhaps I'd simply chosen a poor venue, I tried again only to find noticeably docile crowd despite the presence of more alcohol, in which football watchers engaged in pleasant conversation with strangers and even politely asked one another if seats were taken in a downright un-American fashion.Thinking perhaps I'd simply chosen a poor venue, I tried again only to find noticeably docile crowd despite the presence of more alcohol, in which football watchers engaged in pleasant conversation with strangers and even politely asked one another if seats were taken in a downright un-American fashion.
Football is increasingly appealing to Americans – nearly 25m people watched the US tie Portugal on Sunday – and the danger is clear: despite watching a game in which their countrymen are pitted against a foreign power, American "fans" have turned what should be a proxy nationalistic military exercise into an event typified by congenial interactions. Any sport whose fans do not set upon a signifying enemy with a collective and vicious snarl – any game during which the threat of riot is not remotely imminent – is useless to prepare the nation's jingoistic instincts for any attack.Football is increasingly appealing to Americans – nearly 25m people watched the US tie Portugal on Sunday – and the danger is clear: despite watching a game in which their countrymen are pitted against a foreign power, American "fans" have turned what should be a proxy nationalistic military exercise into an event typified by congenial interactions. Any sport whose fans do not set upon a signifying enemy with a collective and vicious snarl – any game during which the threat of riot is not remotely imminent – is useless to prepare the nation's jingoistic instincts for any attack.
I could continue, but the dangers and threats mentioned above are sufficient in expressing the gravity of the situation. The local appreciation of "soccer" is clearly as destructive to America's nationalistic spirit as American football would be to Brazil, or curling is to any nation.I could continue, but the dangers and threats mentioned above are sufficient in expressing the gravity of the situation. The local appreciation of "soccer" is clearly as destructive to America's nationalistic spirit as American football would be to Brazil, or curling is to any nation.
This danger likely stems from the reality that new soccer fandom is almost entirely an exercise of white middle- and upper-class cosmopolitans (who also run the media): it is not a sport for the masses here, but one for the privileged, cultured and Twitter-literate. This danger likely stems from the reality that new soccer fandom is almost entirely an exercise of white middle- and upper-class cosmopolitans (who also run the media): it is not a sport for the masses here, but one for the privileged, cultured and Twitter-literate.
In theory, there are initiatives – such as country-twanged theme songs and greater required alcohol consumption – that could incite soccer's urban, wine-sipping bourgeoisie to abandon their pretenses of supposedly Euro-centric civility. But I fear there is but one workable solution to this dilemma: kill the rich.In theory, there are initiatives – such as country-twanged theme songs and greater required alcohol consumption – that could incite soccer's urban, wine-sipping bourgeoisie to abandon their pretenses of supposedly Euro-centric civility. But I fear there is but one workable solution to this dilemma: kill the rich.
That, of course, seems as unlikely to come to pass as soccer becoming a truly American pastime. But it'd be more fun to watch.That, of course, seems as unlikely to come to pass as soccer becoming a truly American pastime. But it'd be more fun to watch.