I dream of a beastly vacuum cleaner. And I have one week to make it come true
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Version 0 of 1. I am a slut. There, I said it. I mean of course that I am a woman with low standards of cleanliness. Dirty dishes and cups are scattered around my house, neglected and unwashed. Bedding, used by a visitor long since departed, is piled up on the spare bed, and my sofa is nothing more than a repository for piles of newspapers and several types of crumb. To cap it off, a layer of cat fur gently covers every available surface in the house, including me. I wouldn’t say my house is filthy, exactly. Just parts of it. I resent housework. It’s dull, it’s hard work, and I’d much rather be doing something – anything – else, like my tax return. Moreover, when I do get round to cleaning my house, mostly out of a sense of shame when visitors are imminent, I am always amazed to discover that in a week’s time it needs cleaning again. However, when I heard the news that powerful vacuum cleaners will soon be outlawed in the UK, I panicked. New EU rules mean that from 1 September companies will be banned from making or importing vacuum cleaners with motors that exceed 1,600 watts, as part of an energy efficiency initiative. This will just not do. Despite my loathing for housework in general, I love vacuuming. It is the most satisfying of all the chores. After all, a machine is doing the work for you. Sure, you have to push it around a bit, but the end result couldn’t be more satisfying – a clean floor. And while I don’t have carpets, I do have rugs. And as long as the rugs are clean and devoid of cat fur, I can pretend the rest of the house is too. I’m not alone. We British have a peculiar attachment to vacuuming, due, of course, to our peculiar attachment to having wall-to-wall carpets. And pets. The combination of these two treasures means that vacuum cleaners are an integral part of British life. And not just any old vacuum cleaners – but powerful, noisy, beastly ones. I even feel nostalgic about the first vacuum cleaner we had when I was a child. It was an upright Hoover with a bright blue fabric bag and a fantastic sans serif font – a Junior 1346A to be exact, as I have discovered via various websites dedicated to celebrating vintage Hoovers. Hoovers are so popular in the UK that the brand has become synonymous with the act itself (although William Henry Hoover was in fact an American, the cad). But – scandalously – since July Hoover UK, based in south Wales, has been stealthily replacing its models with less powerful versions. And in 2017 the situation will deteriorate further, when the rules stipulate that all vacuum cleaners must have a wattage of 900 or less. At that level of power we might as well revert to sweeping. It’s not only the principle of the EU directive – hands off our Hoovers! – that’s bothersome. The news is personally very troubling, as my vacuum cleaner is broken. Unable to cope with the sheer volume of fur shed by my long-haired fluffy cat , it began running more and more inefficiently (yes, I did empty the bag). Then the nozzle fell off. I taped it back on, but it’s not been the same since. I have been dreaming about getting a super-powerful vacuum cleaner for some years now. And thanks to the EU, I have a week to make my dream a reality. I am currently torn between one specifically for pet hair and a lightweight number that has an “on-board telescopic extension”. I don’t know what that means but I know I want one. If I had the means, I’d probably buy two or three, stockpiling them like soon-to-be-discontinued shades of lipstick or limited-edition flavour KitKats. But as it is, I’ll probably have to make do with just one powerful vacuum cleaner for the rest of my life. And a growing layer of cat hair. |