Football transfer rumours: did anyone want Tom Cleverley or Anderson?

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/sep/02/football-transfer-rumours-deadline-day

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Well that was all good fun wasn’t it? Well, perhaps not ‘fun’ per se. A heinous grind of rumours, half-truths, paperwork and top bantz involving funsters waving special private bedroom time accoutrements in the faces of increasingly weary Sky Sports News presenters, perhaps.

The transfer window is closed for another summer, meaning we can all shut up and concentrate on something of a little more importance for the next few months, rather than obsessing over which footballer might be swapping clubs for whatever nebulous reason, eh?

Well, no, of course not – what are you on about? Have a word with yourself. More to the point, if you aren’t interested in that daft ephemera then why have you clicked on an article very obviously called the Rumour Mill? Shame on you.

Quite what else you might have been doing last night other than following all the white hot action is unclear, but in case you weren’t then the Rumour Mill is here to help, and to point out exactly what you missed.

Couple of under the radar, quiet, untrumpeted moves that may well have slipped past your vision – Manchester United signed Radamel Falcao on loan and Danny Welbeck moved to Arsenal. Yeah, us too.

Other late-night, past the watershed, Hollyoaks: After Hours transfers that might not yet be imprinted on your brain include Alvaro Negredo’s loan move to Valencia, leaving Manchester City with only Sergio Aguero, Stevan Jovetic and Edin Dzeko up top, with Samir Nasri, David Silva and Yaya Toure as ‘play in behind them’ Plan Bs. Crisis time at Eastlands and no mistake. Particularly as their third-choice right-back Micah Richards has gone to Fiorentina. What are they to do?

United of course also signed Daley Blind, whose cheekbones have been causing slightly confusing feelings in many in the Manchester area who previously thought they’d made all their major lifestyle choices, while Nick Powell did one on loan and Tom Lawrence for good to Leicester, Burnley borrowed Micheal Keane and Javier Hernandez couldn’t-believe-his-lucked off to Real Madrid to clear a locker space in the United dressing room.

Chelsea loaned their 24th, 25th and 26th players out, sending Marco van Ginkel to AC Milan, Nathaniel Chalobah to Burnley and Jamal Blackman to Middlesbrough. But don’t worry chaps – you’ve obviously got big futures at Stamford Bridge. They’re really happy with your work. Promise.

Elsewhere, Hull were busy puppies indeed, flogging George Boyd to Burnley while chucking a bucket of cash at Palermo for Abel Hernandez, a decent-sized bowl of cash at West Ham for Mo Diame, and a couple of undisclosed-sized receptacle of cash in loan fees to Southampton and Newcastle in exchange for the mercurial (read: decent one game in five) talents of Gaston Ramirez and Hatem Ben Arfa, respectively.

Speaking of Southampton, they bagged Toby Alderweireld on loan from Atletico Madrid, presumably wondering why Arsenal weren’t competing with them, while they also jazzed a load of cash on Sadio Mane from Red Bull Salzburg. Obviously the Rumour Mill could tell you all about the latter, big fans of Austrian football that we are, but it’s probably more rewarding for you to look that sort of thing up yourself. We’re just thinking of you.

Sunderland loaned themselves a Ricky Alvarez and a Sebastian Coates, Spurs signed Benjamin Stambouli from Montpellier and sent Lewis Holtby to Hamburg, Crystal Palace ushered Zeki Fryers and James McArthur through the door while booting Glenn Murray out in the general direction of Reading, Stoke had something of a mad rush to find a winger of some description before settling on the chap they had on loan last season in Oussama Assaidi, while Marseille’s Morgan Amalfitano is now West Ham’s Morgan Amalfitano.

Harry Redknapp had a lovely old time, as you might expect on this day of all days, signing Niko Kranjcar for the 1,047th time and Saaaaaandro from Spurs, the latter of whom looked bafflingly delighted by the whole affair, and didn’t once say ‘Where’s the rest of it?’ while looking round the bijou Loftus Road.

Some deals, tragically, did not come to pass. Wail! As you realise a paperwork snafu caused John Guidetti’s loan move from City to Celtic fell through. Weep! At the prospect of some rather spicy wage demands putting the kibosh on any switch involving Tom Cleverley to either Aston Villa or Everton. Pound the floor at the sheer unfairness of it all! As you ponder what fresh hell Fabio Borini failing to agree personal terms (“We couldn’t match what the boy was after,” ‘Arryed Arry) with QPR is. Curse cruel fate! At the chilling realisation that, despite flying over to England like an upmarket Peter Odemwingie and touting himself to any club that would pick up the phone, Jermain Defoe is still a Toronto player. Anderson is still at Manchester United, but we’re not sure if anyone was trying to change that.

Finally, ponder this: Kevin Doyle is a Premier League player again, after agreeing a loan deal with Crystal Palace. “The same Kevin Doyle who scored five goals in 33 games in the Championship and League One last season?” you ask. The very same, dear reader. There’s hope for us all yet.