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Oh, what a night! Mark your calender now for the Lib Dem disco Oh, what a night! Mark your calendar now for the Lib Dem disco
(about 21 hours later)
News that the Liberal Democrats are organising a disco for the evening of 4 October at their party conference will be welcomed as an exciting opportunity for the fashionably attired, slender young people who look forward to the Lib Dems’ annual political gathering and see it as nothing less than a chance to form sexy dance-floor coalitions in what they undoubtedly call the “lashional interest”. That this means around three people will attend the event should prove useful training for Lib Dems looking to sample the bitter disappointment that lies in the year ahead.News that the Liberal Democrats are organising a disco for the evening of 4 October at their party conference will be welcomed as an exciting opportunity for the fashionably attired, slender young people who look forward to the Lib Dems’ annual political gathering and see it as nothing less than a chance to form sexy dance-floor coalitions in what they undoubtedly call the “lashional interest”. That this means around three people will attend the event should prove useful training for Lib Dems looking to sample the bitter disappointment that lies in the year ahead.
Fortunately for the organisers, it won’t be three people, because the event will be populated by large numbers of ageing men and women whose first kick in the teeth will be to discover that the advertised and promised price of entry on the door has risen, despite a pledge given by organisers in advance of the disco to keep entry prices low. These price increases will pay for what is generally agreed to be a “costly” policy of giving everyone at the disco free food, whether they wanted it or not, and to pay for the inexplicable attendance on the night of 15 special advisers whose job is to make Nick Clegg look important.Fortunately for the organisers, it won’t be three people, because the event will be populated by large numbers of ageing men and women whose first kick in the teeth will be to discover that the advertised and promised price of entry on the door has risen, despite a pledge given by organisers in advance of the disco to keep entry prices low. These price increases will pay for what is generally agreed to be a “costly” policy of giving everyone at the disco free food, whether they wanted it or not, and to pay for the inexplicable attendance on the night of 15 special advisers whose job is to make Nick Clegg look important.
A major scandal will take place that senior party members will continue to deny knowledge of for decades to come, claims undermined by leaked news of an awards ceremony scheduled for later in the evening with categories including “least surprising abuse of a position of authority” and a special category for anyone who engages in a tryst with an FSB agent. Anyone looking to become a future leadership contender for the Lib Dems is encouraged to enter the contest early and to involve themselves in some form of lurid yet underwhelming embarrassing dare – there will be several to choose from. Embryonic potential leaders will be found attempting to set fire to the disco venue and talking about how they need to get their numbers up to “Cleggian standards”.A major scandal will take place that senior party members will continue to deny knowledge of for decades to come, claims undermined by leaked news of an awards ceremony scheduled for later in the evening with categories including “least surprising abuse of a position of authority” and a special category for anyone who engages in a tryst with an FSB agent. Anyone looking to become a future leadership contender for the Lib Dems is encouraged to enter the contest early and to involve themselves in some form of lurid yet underwhelming embarrassing dare – there will be several to choose from. Embryonic potential leaders will be found attempting to set fire to the disco venue and talking about how they need to get their numbers up to “Cleggian standards”.
Undercover journalists at the event are likely to be found crowding around Vince Cable who, in an effort to impress, will be indiscreetly undermining his impartiality on a range of issues for anyone who cares to watch. Simon Hughes will be found reminding everyone that he actually drives a taxi, and as such is able to give people a ride home. There will be no takers. A remixed dance version of the Stealers Wheel classic Stuck in the Middle with You will be played on repeat.Undercover journalists at the event are likely to be found crowding around Vince Cable who, in an effort to impress, will be indiscreetly undermining his impartiality on a range of issues for anyone who cares to watch. Simon Hughes will be found reminding everyone that he actually drives a taxi, and as such is able to give people a ride home. There will be no takers. A remixed dance version of the Stealers Wheel classic Stuck in the Middle with You will be played on repeat.
Representatives from both the Labour and Conservative parties will be in attendance at the Lib Dem disco. Labour attendees will make song requests including Abba’s Take a Chance on Me, while Conservative partygoers briefly sway to Take That’s Back for Good before remembering that it’s written by Gary Barlow.Representatives from both the Labour and Conservative parties will be in attendance at the Lib Dem disco. Labour attendees will make song requests including Abba’s Take a Chance on Me, while Conservative partygoers briefly sway to Take That’s Back for Good before remembering that it’s written by Gary Barlow.
A van of young Ukip activists who had planned to crash the disco and steal all the sandwiches is later discovered to have broken down en route, with grubby attempts to repair the van’s engine leading to a tabloid photo-spread of what is cynically described as a Ukip party member “blacked up” with engine grease. A Ukip spokesman refuses to condemn the young man’s freedom of expression, and he is later given the chance to become an MEP.A van of young Ukip activists who had planned to crash the disco and steal all the sandwiches is later discovered to have broken down en route, with grubby attempts to repair the van’s engine leading to a tabloid photo-spread of what is cynically described as a Ukip party member “blacked up” with engine grease. A Ukip spokesman refuses to condemn the young man’s freedom of expression, and he is later given the chance to become an MEP.
The Lib Dem disco ends with the auto-tuned recording of Nick Clegg’s “I’m sorry” speech, and partygoers staggering drunkenly back to bed where they will wake up the next morning with a gruesome headache, feeling terribly alone.The Lib Dem disco ends with the auto-tuned recording of Nick Clegg’s “I’m sorry” speech, and partygoers staggering drunkenly back to bed where they will wake up the next morning with a gruesome headache, feeling terribly alone.