From The Simpsons to Nurse Jackie, the most useful (and useless) TV medics
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Version 0 of 1. In a recent radio interview, the deputy mayor of Moscow urged real-life doctors to emulate the medics from the US hospital drama House. I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t the eponymous physician a pill-popping, misanthropic jerk with off-putting googly eyes and bedside manner as soothing as a 3am phone call from Stalin? Yes, he is all those things. No matter. Hugh Laurie’s Dr Gregory House and his colleagues should be role models to the medical profession, suggested Leonid Pechatnikov. “They don’t lose a single minute,” Pechatnikov explained as he eulogised the US TV series that is huge in Russia (even though Hugh Laurie called for a boycott of Russian goods in response to the country’s anti-gay laws). “They do one test, another test, some research, then come up with a diagnosis quickly, followed by fast treatment, and only if they have something extremely serious, patients stay in the hospital.” This got us thinking. Who are the best and worst TV role models for the medical profession? I’m going to rule out All Creatures Great and Small’s James Herriott from the outset because I never want to visualise Christopher Timothy armpit deep in cow rear ever (oh no, I’m visualising it already. Make it stop!). And, sadly, we’re going to have rule to out of consideration the proctologist in Seinfeld, whose personalised car licence plate ASSMAN gets him unexpected cheers from gay male pedestrians. So here, in reverse order of excellence, are 10 inspirational TV medics. 1. Dr Ben, Louie Is there anything worse than taking your clothes off and finding Ricky Gervais standing in front of you deriding your penis size? Yes, there is. It’s taking your clothes off and finding Ricky Gervais standing in front of you deriding your penis size AND realising that he is your doctor. And not just a doctor but one who calls in the nurse from the next room so she can share a laugh at your risible manhood. And a doctor who then tells you you have cancer or Aids when – this is the joke, mind – you don’t. And then calls you at home to tell you the test results are in and that you’re going to die, which you aren’t, which is supposed to be funny. This is what happens to Louis CK. Dr Ben is a salutary TV for medics. Whatever he does? Do the opposite. 2. Dr Leo Spaceman, 30 Rock 30 Rock’s drug dealer of a physician is prone to saying things like: “You seem nervous. I could give you something for that. Ah, but you know what? I’m not supposed to have sex with my patients.” Physician? Heal thyself. 3. Dr Nick Riviera, The Simpsons Amputated the wrong limb? Forgotten the anaesthetic? Need tips on performing heart bypass surgery from the patient’s eight-year-old daughter? Don’t worry – whatever you’ve done, The Simpsons’ quack doctor has done already and worse. 4. Nurse Jackie Payton, Nurse Jackie Is it wrong to steal the identity of a dead patient in order to score prescription meds to feed your addiction? And to have a sexual relationship with the hospital pharmacist so that he can supply you with percocet and other drugs you couldn’t get otherwise? To lie to your husband, kids, lovers, friends and sponsor about your addictions? Really, these aren’t trick questions. What’s truly tricky about Nurse Jackie is that the drama shows her to be doing her job well while under the influence with a kindness and empathy to which every medical professional should aspire. Not a role model, all things considered. 5. Dr Martin Ellingham, Doc Martin Dr Martin Ellingham is brilliant, grumpy, imperious and socially inept as an obstetrician turned GP. These facts make Doc Martin a must-see for those prospective doctors who want to fit in to the medical establishment which, as you know, is filled with imperious, socially inept, grumpy doctors who may, if you’re lucky, be brilliant. If you can’t bear to watch Martin Clunes being curmudgeonly in Cornwall, you could watch James Robertson Justice as Sir Lancelott Spratt in the Doctor in the House franchise or De Forrest Kelly as Bones in Star Trek to get much the same picture. 6. Dr Richard Clarkson, Downton Abbey Kind-eyed, gentle-voiced, slightly boring and with the hots for Penelope Wilton’s widow and sometime nurse Isobel Crawley, there’s much for wannabe medics to learn from Downton’s family physician. Yes, he misdiagnosed Isobel’s son’s spinal condition, but he did discover that Mrs Hughes’s cancer was benign and was proved right in the case of Sybil’s eclampsia. Really worked that bow tie look too, if that’s your thing. 7. Dr Jennifer Melfi, The Sopranos Of all the TV or movie shrinks in all the world, Melfi is the one worth watching. Forget that she compromises her professionalism by sort of falling for a patient, and not just any old patient but a sociopathic, murdering mobster called Tony Soprano; remember, rather, that she nails what’s wrong with him. Why is he so depressed? “Depression is merely anger turned inward,” she explains. And she calls him too, with scary consequences, on his violence. 8. Dr Doug Ross, ER Palms sweaty? Blood pressure 180 over 90? Just bought a huge consignment of gourmet espresso capsules even though you don’t drink coffee? Of course you have. Nothing to worry about. That’s a perfectly normal reaction to watching George Clooney. As Dr Doug Ross in ER, he was played a caring paediatrician and bad-boy ladies’ man. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him - and the other way round too. He was a role model, yes, but probably not the go-to-guy to treat unglamorous stuff like infected toenails. 9. Ric Griffin MBBS MD PhD FRCS FRCS (Gen Surg), Holby City Holby’s consultant surgeon has had five wives, a gambling addiction and lost a son to heroin overdose. Like so many successful medics, his private life’s a mess, but his professional life is exemplary. Hugh Quarshie’s long-suffering character has seen and suffered so much since he joined the soap in 2001 that he feels like the personification of the best of the NHS: wearily irritable, still just about hanging on despite 25 government-initiated reorganizations (I exaggerate, but not much), still good at his job and still trying to be selfless - against the odds. 10. Nurse Zoey Barkow, Nurse Jackie Remember when the pregnant lady came into the emergency room with gunshot wounds and then went into labour? Remember how calm Zoey was as she delivered the baby? Yes, she learned most of her medical skills and kind bearing from a drug-addicted mentor (see #4) but let’s not spoil the story. She gets that medicine isn’t just about the speedy diagnosis and rapid patient turnover that Leonid Pechatnikov prizes, but about treating patients and families with compassion. Plus Zoey’s a nurse not a doctor, so she’s not up herself. She’s got a heart of gold, no God complex, a jaunty range of animal pattern scrubs, and a bedside manner to die for. Truly, the medical profession has much to learn from TV’s Nurse Zoey. Who would be your dream and/or nightmare TV physicians? Let us know below. |