Nine ways to spot a mate’s political leanings

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/17/political-leanings-tory-left

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Whether it’s the bouquet of Bolshevism, or the pong of predistribution, scientists now believe that the smell your body produces can be used to detect your political persuasions. (For anyone interested, the author produces the sweet scent of bacon, cigar smoke and freedom.) There’s no need to sniff the pits of friends or acquaintances, however, as there are usually much more obvious indicators of political persuasion to be observed. Here are nine ways to spot the way a potential mate leans:

Canvas bags

Need a bag to hulk around your copy of Piketty’s latest, or to collect your local organic salad nettles from the co-operative store operating from that shipping container down the street? The leftie operator signals their commitment to environmentalism by carrying a reusable cotton bag festooned with the advertising of an independent bookshop. Don’t mention the air pollution created by travelling to Paris or New York to buy some pulped trees, just mark them down as a Labour supporter.

Trousers

That guy with his legs spread wide on the tube, whose trousers are bright purple? He’s almost certainly a Conservative. Whether duck-egg blue, electric mint green, or mustard, there’s something about believing in the invisible hand of the market that leaves many rightwing men slightly colour blind and with a penchant for corduroy. The problem is, they’re being serious when they ask you to check out their fucking red trousers, because they think they’re cool.

Piercing

One thing you’ll rarely spot on a Conservative is an unusual piercing. The nostril ring favoured by some Shoreditch-goers is a sure sign that you won’t find Charles Moore’s biography of Margaret Thatcher on their bedside table.

Hair

Floppy hair, existing on a spectrum between young Robert Redford and Boris Johnson tends to mark out a Tory male. It’s no real surprise that Conservative men often have remarkably good hair, after all they are partial to a good cut.

Coffee

A detailed coffee order from a barista specifically visited for their surly, anti-customer service approach is a red flag, marking out clear leftwing leanings. Of course these people order a soya or almond milk latte, after all they think that proper tea is theft. Conservatives only drink champagne, of course. They have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Jumpers

You will know a Lib Dem by their choice of hand-stitched, ethically sourced knitwear. These visually testing garments are made by the indigenous, economically challenged people of distant lands. Nobody understands backwards, marginalised communities on the edge of extinction quite like the Liberal Democrats.

Top buttons

Shirts buttoned up to the top without a tie? Definitely on the left. Top buttons are for affixing ties, whether purchased from the Ukip online store, old school alumni shop, or Oxbridge clothier. The tieless top button has all the rigid discomfort of overbearing state control.

Handkerchiefs

Do you know someone who finds themselves attracted to pocket squares and bow ties in a non-ironic way? The perfect Christmas gift for such a person would be anything by Ayn Rand. Remember, it’s Christmas to these pocket-square wearers, not winterval or festivus. It’s a Christian institution which needs to be protected, like bow ties you have to tie yourself.

Bicycles

Whilst conservatives believe in equality of opportunity, those on the left prefer to buy items that signify their commitment to equality of outcome. This is why no conservative would ever own a fixie. Equality of gear ratio is a socialist concept, dragging all cyclists down to the lowest common denominator (or gear). Fixies as a mode of transport also have a Blairite appeal over cars, since they have no reverse gear.