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| Six steps to perfect mobile phone etiquette | Six steps to perfect mobile phone etiquette |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| Last week, a “phone lane” designed for texting pedestrians was unveiled in Chongqing, China. The lane has a phone painted onto the ground, similar to the painted bike which indicates a cycling lane. As it turns out, the lane is actually situated in a theme park and isn’t a serious civic proposition, but of course a lie spreads halfway around the internet before the truth is even logging in, so it was shared and re-shared. | Last week, a “phone lane” designed for texting pedestrians was unveiled in Chongqing, China. The lane has a phone painted onto the ground, similar to the painted bike which indicates a cycling lane. As it turns out, the lane is actually situated in a theme park and isn’t a serious civic proposition, but of course a lie spreads halfway around the internet before the truth is even logging in, so it was shared and re-shared. |
| This isn’t the first “phone lane”. One was introduced to Washington DC earlier this year as part of a social experiment. And it’s obvious why the idea connects with us: people texting while walking is a perennial problem. | This isn’t the first “phone lane”. One was introduced to Washington DC earlier this year as part of a social experiment. And it’s obvious why the idea connects with us: people texting while walking is a perennial problem. |
| We make our way around the world, texting as we go; heads down and eyes trained on the phone’s periphery for other feet, dog-shit, tree roots, lampposts, potholes, entrances to Mordor. | We make our way around the world, texting as we go; heads down and eyes trained on the phone’s periphery for other feet, dog-shit, tree roots, lampposts, potholes, entrances to Mordor. |
| Having one of the Walking Text bump into you is incredibly annoying, especially if they’re so inconsiderate as to interrupt your own texting-and-walking. We should all learn to only text when stationary, shouldn’t we? But it’s just one of a few irritants about modern mobile phone usage. Here is a brief guide to mobile phone etiquette. | Having one of the Walking Text bump into you is incredibly annoying, especially if they’re so inconsiderate as to interrupt your own texting-and-walking. We should all learn to only text when stationary, shouldn’t we? But it’s just one of a few irritants about modern mobile phone usage. Here is a brief guide to mobile phone etiquette. |
| Thou shalt not sodcast | Thou shalt not sodcast |
| Is there anything more irritating than having to share the upper level of a bus with a tinny 50 Cent album track? There’s a clear positive correlation between how awful music is and the likelihood of it being sodcasted - chewed-and-spat from a phone speaker; landing on your eardrums with all the clarity and soothing of mud splatter. You never hear Janis Joplin, Thelonious Monk or Van Morrison drifting down the aisle, do you? | |
| Just as bad are headphones leakier than a police officer in the pay of News Corp. Forcing people to listen to poor-quality music without their consent is not a good thing; that’s why it is a recognised form of torture. | Just as bad are headphones leakier than a police officer in the pay of News Corp. Forcing people to listen to poor-quality music without their consent is not a good thing; that’s why it is a recognised form of torture. |
| Thou shalt not look through someone else’s phone | Thou shalt not look through someone else’s phone |
| I’ve had a number of awkward conversations with friends who, after discovering a partner’s infidelity by searching through said partner’s phone, have then spent hours waxing lyrical to me about how trust is the most important asset in any relationship. Their outrage seemed a bit like breaking into a bank and expressing fury at finding someone else with their hands in the till. | I’ve had a number of awkward conversations with friends who, after discovering a partner’s infidelity by searching through said partner’s phone, have then spent hours waxing lyrical to me about how trust is the most important asset in any relationship. Their outrage seemed a bit like breaking into a bank and expressing fury at finding someone else with their hands in the till. |
| You should never go through a person’s phone. Not your spouse’s, not your child’s, not your best mate’s. It’s not just about dodgy texts or naked selfies, it’s about having a little bit of privacy in a world which increasingly collates and stores our data like Sellotape collects lint. Fair warning; if I ever come back from popping to the kitchen to make tea and I find you trying to guess my pin, I will carve the number into your arm with the sharpest and nearest instrument to hand so you don’t have to guess. | You should never go through a person’s phone. Not your spouse’s, not your child’s, not your best mate’s. It’s not just about dodgy texts or naked selfies, it’s about having a little bit of privacy in a world which increasingly collates and stores our data like Sellotape collects lint. Fair warning; if I ever come back from popping to the kitchen to make tea and I find you trying to guess my pin, I will carve the number into your arm with the sharpest and nearest instrument to hand so you don’t have to guess. |
| Then I will change the number. | Then I will change the number. |
| Thou shalt reply to texts | Thou shalt reply to texts |
| It’s hugely annoying* to text a friend who does not respond yet, during the time they take to not respond, manages to tweet 17 times, gain three new followers, update their Facebook status four times and create seven variations of the same Vine. WE SEE YOU. | It’s hugely annoying* to text a friend who does not respond yet, during the time they take to not respond, manages to tweet 17 times, gain three new followers, update their Facebook status four times and create seven variations of the same Vine. WE SEE YOU. |
| * Please ignore the fact that I do this. | * Please ignore the fact that I do this. |
| Thou shalt not pocket dial | Thou shalt not pocket dial |
| Pocket dialling or “butt calls” are when one accidentally phones a person. This happens mostly with parents. Quite often, I’ll get a 15m 43s voicemail from a relative (no names, mum) consisting of the tick-tick-tick of a car indicator as they drive home. Or the clanking and sliding of freshly stacked plates. Or the blaring of News at 10 mixed with the light snore of an 11-year-old cat. | Pocket dialling or “butt calls” are when one accidentally phones a person. This happens mostly with parents. Quite often, I’ll get a 15m 43s voicemail from a relative (no names, mum) consisting of the tick-tick-tick of a car indicator as they drive home. Or the clanking and sliding of freshly stacked plates. Or the blaring of News at 10 mixed with the light snore of an 11-year-old cat. |
| The reason why these types of voicemails from parents last so long is because parents tend to use their phones less frequently than young people, and are therefore not likely to notice their phone is connected until a machine cuts them off, if it cuts them off. Whereas the rest of us would reach for our phone two minutes later and realise. | The reason why these types of voicemails from parents last so long is because parents tend to use their phones less frequently than young people, and are therefore not likely to notice their phone is connected until a machine cuts them off, if it cuts them off. Whereas the rest of us would reach for our phone two minutes later and realise. |
| Thou shalt not visit someone’s home and immediately ask for WiFi | Thou shalt not visit someone’s home and immediately ask for WiFi |
| Honestly, is it too difficult to come round, drink the wine I’m providing, and chat face to face? You seriously want, within minutes of your arrival, to clamber over the back of the couch, grab the router and read the password off the back of it, unplugging it in the process? Just use your goddamn data allowance if it’s so pressing to check Instagram. | Honestly, is it too difficult to come round, drink the wine I’m providing, and chat face to face? You seriously want, within minutes of your arrival, to clamber over the back of the couch, grab the router and read the password off the back of it, unplugging it in the process? Just use your goddamn data allowance if it’s so pressing to check Instagram. |
| Thou shalt not pick an annoying ringtone | Thou shalt not pick an annoying ringtone |
| Ok, so this was marginally amusing in the days of Dom Joly’s Trigger Happy TV (in 1999, guys) or Crazy Frog. But there is absolutely no excuse for an irritating ringtone in 2014. You think “novelty”; everyone else thinks “dickhead”. | Ok, so this was marginally amusing in the days of Dom Joly’s Trigger Happy TV (in 1999, guys) or Crazy Frog. But there is absolutely no excuse for an irritating ringtone in 2014. You think “novelty”; everyone else thinks “dickhead”. |
| It shouldn’t be too hard to follow these six simple rules. After all, nobody wants to be the annoyance on public transport, the irritating friend or the reason technophobes moan. Is there anything we’ve missed? Add your mobile phone-related bugbears in the thread below. | It shouldn’t be too hard to follow these six simple rules. After all, nobody wants to be the annoyance on public transport, the irritating friend or the reason technophobes moan. Is there anything we’ve missed? Add your mobile phone-related bugbears in the thread below. |