A beginner's guide to the internet  … or what Günther Oettinger needs to know

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/01/beginner-guide-to-internet-gunther-oettinger

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There’s a phrase on the internet known as “headdesk”. This is the memeification of the moment one slams one’s head down on one’s mahogany rolltop in despair, frustration, disbelief or incredulity. Or, to put it another way, how we all felt when the EU’s new digital commissioner, Günther Oettinger, didn’t understand the difference between storing images on a phone or cloud network, and wilfully uploading them for all to see online.

I refer, of course, to the recent celebrity hacking scandal. Oettinger, whose full title will be commissioner for digital economy and society, said: “If someone is stupid enough as a celebrity to take a nude photo of themselves and put it online, they surely can’t expect us to protect them. Stupidity is something you can only partly save people from.”

Quite. And it seems Oettinger is not so clever when it comes to the rules of web or internet. He’s not the first person in a high level digital role to display a lack of savvy. In August, Michael Daniel, the White House’s cybersecurity coordinator, argued that his “lack of technical expertise” made him better at his job. OK then.

So, without further ado, here are a few tips on how to get started on the web (which, FYI, isn’t the same as the internet).

So then, what is the difference between the web and internet?

Most of us use the terms “web” and “internet” interchangeably, but there are plenty of people out there who will happily tell you they are not. They have been waiting all day to tell you this. They’ve been hiding, wrapped in a solenoid of cables, bursting to jump out and tell you the following:

The internet is a huge network of networks which connects computers together and allows them to communicate. The internet is like the string that attaches two paper cups. Basically, think of the internet as lots of wires.

The world wide web is one of the ways we access the information being shared over the internet. Browsers such as Chrome, Firefox and Safari are part of the web. If you’re in a desktop browser you’re on the web.

But for general purposes, it really doesn’t matter (and so it won’t for the remainder of this article).

Why is Oettinger wrong about the celebrity hacking scandal?

Because he apparently thinks that Jennifer Lawrence, Rihanna and other victims of the “The Fappening” uploaded their own nude pictures via the internet on to the web for other people to see. They didn’t. The general consensus is that their iCloud accounts were hacked. iCloud is a cloud storage network owned by Apple, which allows users to access their photos, music, files etc from multiple Apple devices.

What’s the best social network for me to be on?

Well, according to my mother: none of them. According to anybody under the age of 14: all of them. Assuming you are a regular Guardian reader – quinoa-munching and intellectually curious – I would recommend Twitter. This is because Twitter is a great means of finding and accessing information. It is a bit like going into a library and having lots of lovely librarians pointing you in the direction of things you might like to read.

Some of the librarians interrupt and yell at you. But most of the librarians are awesome and they’ll be like, “Hey! Check out this great 4,000-word long read in the NYT on the history of knitting!” And you’ll click on it, and then you’ll wonder what the hell you were doing with your life before that 4,000-word NYT long read on the history of knitting, because you will have really, really enjoyed it.

I’d also recommend Tumblr for the incredible amounts of laughter to be had. For instance, The Worst Cats Tumblr.

I don’t understand what a meme is. What’s a meme?

I get it. I, too, shudder and rear away from anything remotely associated with Richard Dawkins. Thankfully, an internet meme is different from a Richard Dawkins definition of a meme. Which is probably: me me me me me me.

An internet meme is literally just an image, video or piece of text – most of the time humorous – which is spread, copied, added to, and makes its merry way around the internet.

My kids are spending a lot of time online, should I worry?

No. Because they are not watching porn. They are not even watching low-level, cuddly porn. They are literally watching other kids taking toys out of boxes and other kids playing video games.

Don’t believe me? Please, read more about the phenomenons of unboxing and Twitch.

I’m a bit worried about the ‘dark web’. Should I be?

Don’t be afraid, Little Bear, there is not much to fear (see above). The media likes to report on the “dark web”, which it misuses interchangeably with the “deep web”, because people respond to fear. It’s a bit like every American neoconservative policy since forever, and also how the no vote triumphed in the Scottish referendum.

The dark web is a subset of the deep web. The deep web, simply, is web that is untraceable via search engine crawlers – ie it cannot be found by a search engine. The dark web is a part of the internet that is not only hidden from search engines, but is also inaccessible through standard web browsers. An example of the dark web is Silk Road, an online marketplace often used to sell drugs.

Governments would like you to think that most people using the deep web are also using the dark web – that anybody using the deep web is using it for terrorism or paedophilia or to sell drugs or arms. But actually, there are plenty of law-abiding, good people who just have major privacy concerns and might therefore be attracted to anonymous browsing (see below).

How do I keep my data safe?

In a post-Snowden world, this has became a growing concern of global citizens. The best thing to keep your data safe is to choose strong passwords. Try to include a mix of characters and digits, and make them lengthy. There will often be an indication from a service when you are setting up a password as to whether or not it is a good one.

In browsers, there is the option of using incognito windows or private windows (depending on which browser you are using). These will not store the data for that browsing session. There are also options such as Tor, which is a software bundle that helps to keep data anonymous. Tor’s browser does not allow your searches to be picked up on. Browsing in Tor also means information takes a random, circumnavigational path which does not allow its source or destination to be easily traced.

Turn your webcam off when you are not using it, or better yet, stick something over the camera lens. Learn what a phishing email looks like. Find the privacy options for the social networks you use, and keep your information accessible only to those you trust.

Where can I learn more about the internet?

In our comprehensive glossary of the internet. This explains everything from 9GAG to Zynga; guides you through the appeal of Lil’ Bub and the ubiquity of Reddit; and translates all the WTF language online.

I think I really like the internet! But I’m becoming addicted. Help?

Welcome to the club! Here’s your membership card, initiation pack, and links to some broadband price comparisons.