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| The Great British Bake Off: every contestant ranked in order of greatness | |
| (about 17 hours later) | |
| The fifth series of The Great British Bake Off comes to its thrilling conclusion on Wednesday, with Richard, Luis and Nancy scrapping it out for the title. But now that the Bake Off has reached berserk new heights of popularity, it’s time for a moment of reflection. Over the years, 60 amateur bakers have exposed themselves to the show’s trademark whirlwind of challenges and bunting and smut, but which of them have stood the test of time? Here is my definitive list of all of them, ranked from worst to best. You may disagree with this list, but you’d be wrong. | The fifth series of The Great British Bake Off comes to its thrilling conclusion on Wednesday, with Richard, Luis and Nancy scrapping it out for the title. But now that the Bake Off has reached berserk new heights of popularity, it’s time for a moment of reflection. Over the years, 60 amateur bakers have exposed themselves to the show’s trademark whirlwind of challenges and bunting and smut, but which of them have stood the test of time? Here is my definitive list of all of them, ranked from worst to best. You may disagree with this list, but you’d be wrong. |
| 60. Ian Vallance (S2) | 60. Ian Vallance (S2) |
| 59. Lucy Bellamy (S4) | 59. Lucy Bellamy (S4) |
| 58. Keith Batsford (S2) | 58. Keith Batsford (S2) |
| 57. David Chambers (S1) | 57. David Chambers (S1) |
| 56. Lea Harris (S1) | 56. Lea Harris (S1) |
| 55. Mark Onley (S4) | 55. Mark Onley (S4) |
| 54. Claire Goodwin (S5) | 54. Claire Goodwin (S5) |
| 53. Victoria Chester (S3) | 53. Victoria Chester (S3) |
| 52. Stuart Marston-Smith (S3) | 52. Stuart Marston-Smith (S3) |
| 51. Mark Withers (S1) | 51. Mark Withers (S1) |
| 50. Enwezor Nzegwu (S5) | 50. Enwezor Nzegwu (S5) |
| 49. Simon Blackwell (S2) | 49. Simon Blackwell (S2) |
| 48. Louise Brimelow (S1) | 48. Louise Brimelow (S1) |
| 47. Urvashi Roe (S2) | 47. Urvashi Roe (S2) |
| 46. Annetha Mills (S1) | 46. Annetha Mills (S1) |
| 45. Ali Imdad (S4) | 45. Ali Imdad (S4) |
| 44. Danny Bryden (S3) | 44. Danny Bryden (S3) |
| 43. Yasmin Limbert (S2) | 43. Yasmin Limbert (S2) |
| 42. Jason White (S2) | 42. Jason White (S2) |
| 41. Christine Wallace (S4) | 41. Christine Wallace (S4) |
| 40. Manisha Parmar (S3) | 40. Manisha Parmar (S3) |
| 39. Miranda Gore Browne (S1) | 39. Miranda Gore Browne (S1) |
| 38. Natasha Stringer (S3) | 38. Natasha Stringer (S3) |
| 37. Ben Frazer (S2) | 37. Ben Frazer (S2) |
| 36. Rob Smart (S4) | 36. Rob Smart (S4) |
| 35. Peter Maloney (S3) | 35. Peter Maloney (S3) |
| 34. Kate Henry (S5) | 34. Kate Henry (S5) |
| 33. Ryan Chong (S3) | 33. Ryan Chong (S3) |
| 32. Jasminder Randhawa (S1) | 32. Jasminder Randhawa (S1) |
| 31. Toby Waterworth (S4) | 31. Toby Waterworth (S4) |
| 30. Martha Collison (S5) | 30. Martha Collison (S5) |
| 29. Jason White (S2) | 29. Jason White (S2) |
| 28. Luis Troyano (S5) | 28. Luis Troyano (S5) |
| 27. Deborah Manger (S4) | 27. Deborah Manger (S4) |
| 26. Janet Basu (S2) | 26. Janet Basu (S2) |
| 25. Beca Lyne-Pirkis (S4) | 25. Beca Lyne-Pirkis (S4) |
| 24. Nancy Birtwhistle (S5) | 24. Nancy Birtwhistle (S5) |
| 23. Ruth Clemens (S1) | 23. Ruth Clemens (S1) |
| 22. Iain Watters (S5) | 22. Iain Watters (S5) |
| 21. Glenn Cosby (S4) | 21. Glenn Cosby (S4) |
| 20. Holly Bell (S2) | 20. Holly Bell (S2) |
| Almost won the competition in 2011. Thank goodness she didn’t – her loss is the world of mealworm-based baking’s gain. | Almost won the competition in 2011. Thank goodness she didn’t – her loss is the world of mealworm-based baking’s gain. |
| 19. Howard Middleton (S4) | 19. Howard Middleton (S4) |
| Before there was the Bincident, there was Custardgate – the shocking moment when another contestant accidentally used Howard’s custard in a trifle. Did Howard throw his trifle in the bin and storm off? No, he kept calm and carried on. Churchill would have been proud. | Before there was the Bincident, there was Custardgate – the shocking moment when another contestant accidentally used Howard’s custard in a trifle. Did Howard throw his trifle in the bin and storm off? No, he kept calm and carried on. Churchill would have been proud. |
| 18. Kimberley Wilson (S4) | 18. Kimberley Wilson (S4) |
| Some would say that Kimberley was the rightful winner of the 2013 category. I will not comment on the matter, except to say that she definitely was. | Some would say that Kimberley was the rightful winner of the 2013 category. I will not comment on the matter, except to say that she definitely was. |
| 17. Jonathan Shepherd (S1) | 17. Jonathan Shepherd (S1) |
| A man so utterly in tune with Bake Off that people in St Albans now simply refer to him as Mr Pudding. Cut him and he bleeds custard. Probably. Don’t cut him. | A man so utterly in tune with Bake Off that people in St Albans now simply refer to him as Mr Pudding. Cut him and he bleeds custard. Probably. Don’t cut him. |
| 16. Norman Calder (S5) | 16. Norman Calder (S5) |
| Poor Norman made an enemy of Paul Hollywood – largely because of his bland, barely-cooked dishes – but his attitude almost single-handedly represented why the Bake Off is so popular. He was terrible, but he was enthusiastic. He was us. | Poor Norman made an enemy of Paul Hollywood – largely because of his bland, barely-cooked dishes – but his attitude almost single-handedly represented why the Bake Off is so popular. He was terrible, but he was enthusiastic. He was us. |
| 15. Sarah-Jane Willis (S3) | 15. Sarah-Jane Willis (S3) |
| Not just a vicar’s wife, but the loveliest vicar’s wife who ever lived. Basically the living embodiment of the Great British Bake Off. | Not just a vicar’s wife, but the loveliest vicar’s wife who ever lived. Basically the living embodiment of the Great British Bake Off. |
| 14. Diana Beard (S5) | 14. Diana Beard (S5) |
| Not here because she knackered a fellow competitor’s baked alaska. Here because she knackered a fellow competitor’s baked alaska, then dropped the mic on the whole series and walked away forever (she says otherwise, but that’s how I like to see it). She’s the lone gunman. The woman’s got balls. | Not here because she knackered a fellow competitor’s baked alaska. Here because she knackered a fellow competitor’s baked alaska, then dropped the mic on the whole series and walked away forever (she says otherwise, but that’s how I like to see it). She’s the lone gunman. The woman’s got balls. |
| 13. James Morton (S3) | 13. James Morton (S3) |
| James Morton – a damp-mouthed man-boy comprised of approximately 95% Fair Isle – certainly looked like a cartoon that a dating site for very sensitive women would use on its homepage, but it’s his obsessive attention to detail that sticks in the mind. | James Morton – a damp-mouthed man-boy comprised of approximately 95% Fair Isle – certainly looked like a cartoon that a dating site for very sensitive women would use on its homepage, but it’s his obsessive attention to detail that sticks in the mind. |
| 12. Jordan Cox (S5) | 12. Jordan Cox (S5) |
| Jordan only lasted for three weeks in this year’s Bake Off, but his Monster Attack biscuit structure will live forever. This is largely because it looked like the sort of nightmare a three-year-old would have if you deliberately overfed it sugar, but with even more blood. Astonishing. | Jordan only lasted for three weeks in this year’s Bake Off, but his Monster Attack biscuit structure will live forever. This is largely because it looked like the sort of nightmare a three-year-old would have if you deliberately overfed it sugar, but with even more blood. Astonishing. |
| 11. Cathryn Dresser (S3) | 11. Cathryn Dresser (S3) |
| Subject of one of the all-time great Bake Off switcheroos. Right from the start, everyone expected Cathryn to win. Then, with a flick of the wrist, she almost took out another competitor with a ball of clumsily handled dough, and her time was up. | Subject of one of the all-time great Bake Off switcheroos. Right from the start, everyone expected Cathryn to win. Then, with a flick of the wrist, she almost took out another competitor with a ball of clumsily handled dough, and her time was up. |
| 10. Rob Billington (S2) | 10. Rob Billington (S2) |
| Rob was one of the most seminal contestants in Bake Off history. The first series, to some extent, came and went unnoticed. But when Rob – floppy-haired and dreamy-eyed enough to make 9/10ths of the audience involuntarily lactate – came on the scene, the show was on the map. No, he wasn’t a particularly skilled baker. Yes, he was almost supernaturally clumsy. But Rob’s presence alone automatically opened the floodgates and caused the deluge of twee-looking boys in lovely jumpers that was series three. Arguably the Bake Off’s patient zero. | Rob was one of the most seminal contestants in Bake Off history. The first series, to some extent, came and went unnoticed. But when Rob – floppy-haired and dreamy-eyed enough to make 9/10ths of the audience involuntarily lactate – came on the scene, the show was on the map. No, he wasn’t a particularly skilled baker. Yes, he was almost supernaturally clumsy. But Rob’s presence alone automatically opened the floodgates and caused the deluge of twee-looking boys in lovely jumpers that was series three. Arguably the Bake Off’s patient zero. |
| 9. Chetna Makan (S5) | 9. Chetna Makan (S5) |
| In most normal circumstances, Chetna would be granted this high ranking for her brilliant hair alone. However, she also happened to be my pick to win this year’s series. Unfortunately, Chetna was eliminated in last week’s semi-final. Who can say why she left? Officially the reason is that she only baked 17 layers of that ridiculous 20-layer German grill-cake task, although there’s a good chance that she simply threw herself on her sword after hearing everyone around her continue to mispronounce the word “baklava” so egregiously. Either way, who could blame her? | In most normal circumstances, Chetna would be granted this high ranking for her brilliant hair alone. However, she also happened to be my pick to win this year’s series. Unfortunately, Chetna was eliminated in last week’s semi-final. Who can say why she left? Officially the reason is that she only baked 17 layers of that ridiculous 20-layer German grill-cake task, although there’s a good chance that she simply threw herself on her sword after hearing everyone around her continue to mispronounce the word “baklava” so egregiously. Either way, who could blame her? |
| 8. Brendan Lynch (S3) | 8. Brendan Lynch (S3) |
| He may not have won his series, but Brendan was undoubtedly the beating heart of 2012. Although a finalist, his defining moment didn’t really have anything to do with food. It came during an exterior interview in the final. Brendan looked around, saw the impossible calibre of his competitors and his own extraordinary accomplishments over the previous few weeks, and stared off into the distance, eyes quivering. The camera couldn’t move away from him. That one shot was the most beautiful 20 minutes in all of Bake Off history. | He may not have won his series, but Brendan was undoubtedly the beating heart of 2012. Although a finalist, his defining moment didn’t really have anything to do with food. It came during an exterior interview in the final. Brendan looked around, saw the impossible calibre of his competitors and his own extraordinary accomplishments over the previous few weeks, and stared off into the distance, eyes quivering. The camera couldn’t move away from him. That one shot was the most beautiful 20 minutes in all of Bake Off history. |
| 7. Ruby Tandoh (S4) | 7. Ruby Tandoh (S4) |
| You know Ruby, of course. If you’re anything like me, you fastidiously save all her Guardian recipes every weekend, stare at them for about half an hour and then go and wolf down a box of Mr Kipling Trifle Bakewell pies that you bought from a 24-hour garage while screaming “Don’t look at me!” at your own reflection. Ruby has come so far – and did so well in the Bake Off – because she’s the whole package. She’s young and good-looking and eloquent, and I’m looking forward to almost but ultimately not cooking any of her recipes for years to come. | You know Ruby, of course. If you’re anything like me, you fastidiously save all her Guardian recipes every weekend, stare at them for about half an hour and then go and wolf down a box of Mr Kipling Trifle Bakewell pies that you bought from a 24-hour garage while screaming “Don’t look at me!” at your own reflection. Ruby has come so far – and did so well in the Bake Off – because she’s the whole package. She’s young and good-looking and eloquent, and I’m looking forward to almost but ultimately not cooking any of her recipes for years to come. |
| 6. Frances Quinn (S4) | 6. Frances Quinn (S4) |
| That said, Ruby didn’t win her series. Frances did instead, and that’s because she wasn’t afraid to think big. Accused of style over substance for weeks on end – and with reason, because only a screaming narcissist would display breadsticks in a matchbox the size of a pet coffin – she eventually won the day with a final showstopper wedding cake that was only slightly over-ambitious. | That said, Ruby didn’t win her series. Frances did instead, and that’s because she wasn’t afraid to think big. Accused of style over substance for weeks on end – and with reason, because only a screaming narcissist would display breadsticks in a matchbox the size of a pet coffin – she eventually won the day with a final showstopper wedding cake that was only slightly over-ambitious. |
| 5. Edward Kimber (S1) | 5. Edward Kimber (S1) |
| As the very first winner of the Great British Bake Off, Edd deserves this spot. The judges have insinuated that the standard of baking on the show is now much higher than it was at the beginning – nobody in series one had to shove the same bloody cake under the grill 20 times in a row, for example – and yet Edd nevertheless laid the blueprint for all that was to come. Softly spoken and unassuming, he would have been trampled to death on MasterChef. The Great British Bake Off, though, was his for the taking, | As the very first winner of the Great British Bake Off, Edd deserves this spot. The judges have insinuated that the standard of baking on the show is now much higher than it was at the beginning – nobody in series one had to shove the same bloody cake under the grill 20 times in a row, for example – and yet Edd nevertheless laid the blueprint for all that was to come. Softly spoken and unassuming, he would have been trampled to death on MasterChef. The Great British Bake Off, though, was his for the taking, |
| 4. Jo Wheatley (S2) | 4. Jo Wheatley (S2) |
| The winner of the second series, Joanne won over the judges thanks to her spectacular attention to detail. Her offerings were almost too pretty to eat, and Mary Berry hailed her miniature Victoria sponges as some of the best things she’d ever tasted. Is that what we remember most about her final? No, what we remember most is that horrific cutaway shot of the squirrel’s genitals. Still, well done nevertheless. | The winner of the second series, Joanne won over the judges thanks to her spectacular attention to detail. Her offerings were almost too pretty to eat, and Mary Berry hailed her miniature Victoria sponges as some of the best things she’d ever tasted. Is that what we remember most about her final? No, what we remember most is that horrific cutaway shot of the squirrel’s genitals. Still, well done nevertheless. |
| 3. Richard Burr (S5) | 3. Richard Burr (S5) |
| Admittedly, there’s some speculation at work here. Richard might not win the final of this year’s Bake Off, in which case I’m going to look a right berk for putting him so high on the list. But, on paper at least, Richard’s got it all sewn up. He’s odds-on favourite to win tonight, mostly down to the fact that he’s been named Star Baker for a record five times this series. However, there’s always a chance that he’ll screw up and implode at the last hurdle, in which case please pretend that I put one of the other finalists here. | Admittedly, there’s some speculation at work here. Richard might not win the final of this year’s Bake Off, in which case I’m going to look a right berk for putting him so high on the list. But, on paper at least, Richard’s got it all sewn up. He’s odds-on favourite to win tonight, mostly down to the fact that he’s been named Star Baker for a record five times this series. However, there’s always a chance that he’ll screw up and implode at the last hurdle, in which case please pretend that I put one of the other finalists here. |
| 2. John Whaite (S3) | 2. John Whaite (S3) |
| John won the third series, but it was never a sure thing. During a strudel round earlier in the competition, John sliced his finger open and had to sit out the rest of the round. The sight of him being treated by a medic, his hand bright red and practically coating the entire marquee with blood, was one of the most memorable of the entire programme. And yet he overcame this adversity to win. John Whaite is our Seabiscuit. | John won the third series, but it was never a sure thing. During a strudel round earlier in the competition, John sliced his finger open and had to sit out the rest of the round. The sight of him being treated by a medic, his hand bright red and practically coating the entire marquee with blood, was one of the most memorable of the entire programme. And yet he overcame this adversity to win. John Whaite is our Seabiscuit. |
| 1. Mary-Anne Boermans (S2) | 1. Mary-Anne Boermans (S2) |
| And now, the queen. Mary-Anne didn’t win her series of the Bake Off, but she managed to smash an indelible hole through it nonetheless. She had swagger. She roared with laughter at the slightest provocation. She looked, in the best possible way, like a Game of Thrones character, like she was genetically unable to finish a drink without hurling the glass against the floor immediately afterwards. But there was more to her than that – she broke the nation’s heart when she absent-mindedly iced her daughter’s name (Sacha) onto her Sachertorte. Most importantly, though, Mary-Anne apparently sent the former Guardian TV editor a basket of cakes once, and frankly that’s the sort of racket that I want to get in on. | And now, the queen. Mary-Anne didn’t win her series of the Bake Off, but she managed to smash an indelible hole through it nonetheless. She had swagger. She roared with laughter at the slightest provocation. She looked, in the best possible way, like a Game of Thrones character, like she was genetically unable to finish a drink without hurling the glass against the floor immediately afterwards. But there was more to her than that – she broke the nation’s heart when she absent-mindedly iced her daughter’s name (Sacha) onto her Sachertorte. Most importantly, though, Mary-Anne apparently sent the former Guardian TV editor a basket of cakes once, and frankly that’s the sort of racket that I want to get in on. |
| What do you think of Stuart’s list? Who would you put up top and who deserves to be on the (soggy) bottom? Let us know in the comments below. | What do you think of Stuart’s list? Who would you put up top and who deserves to be on the (soggy) bottom? Let us know in the comments below. |
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