I do my best to meet people, but I’m lonely and don’t have any friends
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Version 0 of 1. The dilemma I’m utterly friendless. I thought about writing this email a year ago but instead tried to get out and meet people. So I take regular gym classes, I do yoga and I’ve just started sewing classes – all hobbies that include social interaction. I chat to the people there, they chat back: it’s not like we’re all too in-the-zone to converse, despite the individual goals. There’s no reason I’m so lonely – I’m a nice person (I think!). I’m interested in others and ask questions and have opinions to share. When my boyfriend and I go out with one of his (several) groups of friends, I feel like a loser. That may be more a reflection of them putting me down to make themselves feel better, but even when I click with someone I eventually feel that way. You’ll say I’m projecting my insecurities, but I’m well practised at keeping them under lock and key, and my emotional IQ is unnecessarily – and uselessly – high. I’ve a healthy level of confidence, enough to gain and retain employment, start hobbies, enough for aspiration. I’m doing everything I can, but no one wants to be my friend. What’s more pathetic than that? Mariella replies There’s plenty that’s more pathetic, I can assure you! What does “loser” in this context mean anyway? It’s a ghastly word we bandy about with abandon, but as there’s no tangible definition of “winner” (unless it’s the spin of the lottery wheel) it means very little. The struggle to lead a fulfilling life is universal. I don’t believe that the world is turning its back on you, but I appreciate that’s how you feel. It could also be a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more afraid and lonely we are, the greater our expectation of rejection is, so we project an image of defensiveness. Some of the most aggressive people I’ve encountered are the ones most desperate for compatible companions. Sadly, waving a fist at the world is not an endearing approach. Your challenge in making friends is likely to be a symptom of your insecurity rather than proof that people don’t warm to you. Did you look at your email before you pressed “Send”? There’s quite a lot of material in there to work with. Reading between your own lines can be more beneficial than getting a total stranger to do so, but I’ll do my best. Your email kicks off dramatically and builds to an emotional crescendo that spells out what’s going wrong loud and clear. All of us play roles, and the part you’ve embraced is overdue for an overhaul. You’re not some sanguine, overlooked mouse; you are pretty animated about people’s inability to spot your virtues. I think you’re making it hard to like you, and if you were to stop second-guessing people’s motives and refrain from brandishing your finely tuned “emotional IQ” as a weapon, I suspect you’d see positive results overnight. Chasing down pals is an unattractive trait. I’m not suggesting that emotional intelligence isn’t useful, but oversensitivity is as unattractive as insensitivity. No one wants to be treading on eggshells every time they sit down for a chat, and you may present such a challenge. How can others reflect back positive images to us if they’re on the receiving end of a barrage of negativity? Let’s take your boyfriend’s “group” of friends whom you mention, rather bitterly, as being among many at his disposal. Could it be that what’s offending you about your boyfriend’s friends is simply the companionable banter among people who feel no threat from each other? Not having to be careful about what you say is characteristic of a good friendship. It’s a common mistake to project what you’re feeling on to the proceedings. Is this group really such a bunch of unpleasant characters (which wouldn’t say much for your man), or are they entirely unaware that they are inflicting damage? Quite possibly they’re baffled and frustrated by how literally you take their conversational games. You diagnose your high “emotional” IQ, but, unlike intellect, which can be measured, your reading is based solely on what you’re feeling. Stop second-guessing what people think and try to enjoy what sounds like a pretty full life. While you’re at it, look for hobbies that inspire you to shrug off your constricting sensitivities rather than offer self-improvement – flamenco dancing would be more conducive to letting go than being bent over a sewing machine, and as for mingling at the gym, it’s hardly the venue to sit around and chat. Having the confidence to pick up hobbies and liking yourself enough not to constantly question people’s feelings towards you are very separate issues. How about turning down that emotional dial of yours a notch or two? Friends are made when the pressure is off; not when there’s a search operation in full swing. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1 |